Everyone wants to fall in love with someone, right? The chemicals our brains produce when Cupid slams you with one of those arrows is more intoxicating than any man-made drug or drink. Most of us have been in love at least once, but some haven’t been quite as lucky. Those waiting on Cupid’s arrow may be wondering why this is, and they may be searching for a step-by-step explanation of how to fall in love. They want some of that special sauce, and that’s where I come in; read on for my special tips on love and how to fall into it.

Step 1: Find someone unattainable

The easiest way to fall in love is to choose a target male or female who is totally unattainable for whatever reason. This may include (but is not limited to) married persons; people who don’t share your sexual preference; people who rate 5 pegs higher than yourself on the attraction scale; people who live in another state, city or country; people who have no idea who you are and never will, such as celebrities.

Step 2: Create memorabilia

If you know where your new love lives or works, get yourself a telephoto lens and amass a large collection of photos (don’t forget to photoshop yourself into them when you get home) for proper admiration at a later date. You may also want to surf the internet and look for old photos of them on Facebook or other such places. And don’t forget to scribble your name and theirs among lots of pretty hearts on paper – these will look great over your bed.

Step 3: Obsess

Think about the man or woman of your dreams every second of every day. Tape their photos over your bed and on your walls; slide them in the crack of your mirror frame; glue them to your car dashboard; stick them on your computer; make a T-shirt of their face (and don’t forget to write something cute like “I Heart” above it) and if you drink coffee, get you a mug with the same thing. Eat, drink and sleep the person you want to fall in love with.

Step 4: Wax poetic

If you really want to fall in love with someone, write poetry about them. Be sure to send the poems to them – but if you really want to impress them, go recite it in person; that’s sure to make an impression, particularly if they’ve no idea who you are. Also, if you’ve got the time, you may want to write a novel with your man/woman in the leading role. Nothing says I love you quite like immortalizing the love of your life in a book that sells millions of copies.

Step 5: Torment yourself as needed

Moan constantly about how the man or woman of your dreams doesn’t notice you, love you, or even have a clue as to who you might be. Cry yourself to sleep with visions of you and s/he running toward each other (you recall the butter commercial, surely?) but missing each other’s arms at the last minute. Tell yourself that he or she will never be interested in you, and turn down every perfectly good man or woman who asks you out whilst you are pining for the person who doesn’t want you – once you’ve reached that point, you can be sure you’re in love.