After a lifetime of living with one cat or another, and after watching more than one go from kitten to elderly cat, I've come to notice a few things about cats (and firmly believe a few other things about them). No discussion about getting cats to behave well would be complete without first addressing that stage in their lives when they simply cannot be expected to be "civilized".

ABOUT KITTENS AND YOUNG CATS:

For about the first three months of life kittens are pretty easy to deal with. When they're first born they don't leave their mother. Gradually, the begin to try to make their wobbly way a few feet beyond the place their mother has selected as their bed. Even once they become strong enough to walk around and play, there isn't much they do to bother anyone or anything in the house. Once they're passed three months, however, life can become difficult for anyone who prefers not to have kittens hanging off the drapes. While it's never too soon to begin trying to teach a kitten to stay off some things in the house, the reality is that, like baby humans, kittens are not going to learn to behave like adult cats. You can peel them off the drapes and lift them off the kitchen table, but they won't stay off - at least not at first. That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to teach them. It just means you should be patient and understand that it will take a while.

Although kittens do calm down quite a bit once they've passed six months, and although they'll continue to calm down as they reach a year old and then two years old, when your kitten is at the high-speed stage (I call it, "The Psycho Stage") it can help to keep him where someone can make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble, and also take him down from things he shouldn't be on. Calmly and quietly saying, "No table" or "No drapes" will get him used to hearing these words and knowing that there are times when you take him away from some things while using these words. Like babies, kittens need to feel secure. Quietly and calming saying, "no", can help teach them without making them feel insecure. At this time in a kitten's young life it's important to show him lots of kindness, love, and patience. Making sure he has toys that keep him entertained helps keep a kitten busy. Closing a few doors in the house, and even limited use of a cage with a bed and a toys, can give you a break or peace-of-mind when you must leave the kitten alone in the house at this age. As with active toddlers, this stage gradually passes, and kittens become more and more "civilized".

If a kitten (or older cat) just doesn't seem to get the message about staying off some things a low, firm, no-nonsense voice may get results. If all else fails, a couple of flicked drops of water is usually enough to discourage any kitten or cat.

CATS IN GENERAL - WHAT MAKES A WELL BEHAVED CAT:

Being Consistent About Rules and Taking A Few Steps To Minimize Temptations:

When cats get past being wild little kittens they grow out of a good amount of objectionable behavior, but they still need to learn a few reasonable house rules. Some people, more than others, want their cat to stay off tables, kitchen counters, some furniture, etc. The way to teach a cat to stay off the table or counters is to firmly say, "Get off there" in a mildly scolding tone. The cat who doesn't immediately jump down from the table or counter may need to be lifted down, but I believe it's best to try to use only your voice to get him down; because I believe this may give your cat the chance to need to process, in his brain, the connection between your verbal communication and the fact that some action is expected of him. In other words, even if he doesn't really know the meaning of your words, I think having to try mentally process the situation may make him smarter.

Most cats will require being told to get off something like a table a few times before they get they sense a pattern. It usually doesn't take long for a cat to learn not to get on the table when you're in the room, but whether or not he learns to stay off any furniture when you're not there depends on the cat and on how badly he wants to get on the table. Most cats will eventually learn not to get on forbidden furniture while you're home, even if you're not in the room.

How "trustworthy" any cat will be can depend on the cat's nature. I had a cat who could be alone in the kitchen when food (even chicken) was on a tray on the stove, and she never made any moves toward it. She was, perhaps, particularly well behaved; but probably not an oddity. In general, however, it helps, too, not to have things around that make a cat want to climb up on something. I live with my daughter's cat these days, and she stays off the dining room table UNLESS there are real flowers in a vase. She'll stay off the table as long as I' m in the room, but she can't resist the flowers if I leave. This means that I either need to use something as a table decoration or else move flowers if I sleep or leave the house.

Most of the time you will get to know which things are the most difficult temptations for your cat, and eliminating them makes life easier and safer for everyone. If your cat has generally learned to stay off tables and counters in the kitchen don't leave a tray of chicken or fish out. That may be too much for him.

Although some people don't mind having cats above their head, I think life seems less chaotic if cats don't go higher than window sill level in the home. Some people don't mind allowing their cats to get on any furniture they want. I like to teach my cats that they may sit on some chairs, that they may sit on all rugs, that they may sit on some window sills, and that they have comfy beds - but I don't want them looking down at me from the top of the refrigerator or bookcase. When cats have plenty of comfortable spots for sitting and sleeping they don't, in my opinion, need to make a bed out of every piece of furniture in the house. Because I don't want cat hair on my furniture I cover those chairs that are "approved for cat use", and putting clean covers on those chairs encourages the cat (who loves a clean place to sit) to keep using the same two or three chairs.

Consistently telling your cat to get off furniture (and removing him if he doesn't "take the hint") will lead to his learning. Meeting him halfway by doing something like not putting temptation in front of him helps too. Designating plenty of places he's allowed to sit/sleep gives him plenty of freedom. Based on my own experience with cats, I believe that having a few rules about different furniture (for example) means that a cat is required to stop and "think" before decides whether to get on the sofa; and I've noticed that cats who live with such basic rules do seem more intelligent than cats who are allowed, from the time they're kittens, to just do whatever they want to do.

While consistent rules and a little meeting your cat halfway do help a cat learn to behave, there are other (perhaps more important) things to understand about your cat.

Keep in mind that the cat who has a nice clean throw rug by the heater is less likely to be looking for a comfy place to sleep. A small, shallow, box or even a grocery bag on the floor may be inviting enough to a cat to keep him from looking for "more

interesting" places to sit. Until a cat learns the rules (and sometimes even after he does) it can help if you don't put inviting throw pillows on sofas, or piles of clean, folded, towels on chairs. If you have an end table or other surface that seems particularly inviting you may want to add a decorative object in the center of it, to make it less inviting to the cat.

Building A Relationship That Goes Beyond Just Feeding Your Cat

Cats behave best when they like and trust you. Being the person who feeds a cat may win a certain amount of "affection", but treating your cat with respect, being kind, making sure nobody does anything to scare or hurt him, and making an effort to communicate with him are the things that really make your cat want to please you.

Cats aren't stupid. Every time you stop your two-year-old from picking up your cat, who may be a little anxious about your toddler, the cat notices that you were the one who stepped in and made him feel safe. If you are the one who stops another cat from bothering your cat he will again notice you came to his rescue.

Talking to your cat helps him learn and like you more too. It shows you respect him; and although he may have no idea of what you say most of the time, he knows you value him enough to try to communicate.

There are three types of talking to your cat you should do, and there are different reasons why these talking approaches will help make your cat behave better.

1. Talk that will help him learn words. When you're feeding him say something like, "Are you hungry? You need to eat. Let's put food in your dish." Saying things like, "Want some tuna?" or "You need water" will eventually help him connect some of those words.

If you let your cat out your front door, say something like, "You want the door open?" If he goes to the front door, try opening another door and saying something like, "Can you go out this door?" (One of my cats would head for the front door in Winter, and because the door would freeze I'd want her to go out the back door. If she headed to the front door I could say, "Could you go out the other door please," and she'd head for the back door. Saying something like, "No table" and "No couch" will help them learn those words. Just as life is easier once toddlers develop language, it's easier when you can use words with your cat.

One example is if the cat is hiding somewhere, and you want him to come out. The cat who has learned the word, "tuna," may well come if you simply say, "Want some tuna?". (Of course, give him a little tuna once he shows up.) If you've already filled your cat's dish, and he's looking around for food it can be easier if you can simply tell him, "It's in your dish."

Learning words takes time for cats, and older cats are the ones who become the most amazing when it comes to understanding talk; but the only way to make them this amazingly intelligent to put in the time to teach them.

Also, use your hands to help your cat understand what you're saying. If you're talking about his food dish, point to the dish. If you're talking about a can of tuna, show him the can. Use "come" and "go" gestures, along with your words. I've always done this automatically, out of an attempt to help my cats understand what I'm saying; but it came in useful when an elderly cat's hearing started to go, and she could understand my hand gestures.

2. Talk that will make them feel "interested" (it helps them feel as if they're part of the family). Your cat is a pet, and a pet is not an object. The best behaved cats have owners who know how to encourage their cat's sense of being part of a relationship. You don't need to talk about the meaning of life or your credit card bills to your cat. Making him feel respected and "part of the program" is through simple remarks throughout the day. If he's in the room as you head out to get your mail simply say something like, "I'm getting the mail. I'll be right back." When you come back in say, "I'm back." If you're emptying the trash containers make a simple comment about what you're doing. Comments like, "Let's see what's on the radio" and "I'll get your dinner after I wash my hands" are the kinds of simple comments that can make your cat seem to be interested in watching what you're doing, noticing that you've said something, and maybe even learning yet more words. Any living creature who is spoken to will feel as if "the world" reaches in to it, rather than feeling isolated and ignored. If you cat follows you to the kitchen to see if you're about to do something that interests him (a treat maybe?), say something like, "I'm just getting a cup of tea." Sometimes make simple statements like, "I need a cup of coffee."

Your cat may not be able to learn vocabulary the way a child can, but talking to him will make him more intelligent; and what he learns may amaze you.

I've always imagined, when I talk to my cats, how they probably don't really have any idea of what I'm saying (at least the first several times I say it), but how they probably know I'm trying to communicate and probably appreciate at least that much. Think about the message it sends them: Rather than send the message that nobody is bothering to say anything to them, the message is that some well intended friend is trying to include them in her day. If cats were really capable of thinking the way Jim Davis' Garfield character thinks they may be thinking, "What an idiot this person is to think I'll understand." Since they most likely do not think like Garfield, however, chances are they at least sense that the person who bothers to make comments to them throughout the day is doing something friendly.

3. Talk that encourages relating. Talk that encourages relating is something you can do as soon as you have your cat, but it takes a little time for the cat to seem to invite this type of "conversation". Again, the purpose of talking to your cat is to build your relationship and possibly increase your cat's intelligence, which, in turn, makes a cat who understands rules better and wants to please his you by following the house rules.

When my daughter's cat first came to live with me I wondered if there was the chance she were either hearing impaired or had some form of Autism. She didn't seem to respond to being called, and she seemed to very much be in her own world - just going around and doing her thing and generally seeming oblivious to people (unless she was told to get down from furniture, in which case she seemed very nervous). I did all the things I mentioned above, and over time she has become very much like all the other cats I've ever had. Although it didn't take her long to learn the rules of the house, it took a little longer for her to become friendly with people other than my daughter.

All of the things I've mentioned above led to her becoming a very friendly and well behaved cat, but it has only been over the last year or so that she has become a cat who now seems to appreciate "talk that encourages relating" to the point where she comes over to me to hear what I have to say.

Talk that encourages relating is something I now do with my daughter's cat regularly. It can feel kind of silly to do this, but here's how: When the cat is sitting on the floor in front of you, look right into her eyes and talk as if you were chatting with a friend. The tone of this kind of talk is different from the talk that helps a cat learn words. This kind of "chat" is not for any purpose other than to encourage the cat to sit, look right in my eyes, and listen to the words that she can't possibly understand. This kind of talk, however, helps a cat learn that there is more to relating than just getting one's head patted. This can seem really silly, but here's an example of the kind of chat that helps a cat learn to enjoy relating: In a quiet, friend-to-friend-chat tone, I'll say something like, "Oh, I suppose I should go get the laundry, but it's such a nice day out I'm thinking I may want to go out in the yard. By the way, I think I think it would be good if we changed the cover on your chair later I don't know - I don't have much ambition today, do you?" This kind of chat can make a cat sit and look you right in the eyes, as if he's trying to figure out what you're saying. Chances are he doesn't need to know what you're saying. He knows that this is a different kind of relating that doesn't involve his being held and snuggled and that, instead, is done through eye contact and rapt attention.

Of course, don't forget to sometimes change the friendly chat tone to a more affectionate, quiet, "You're such a nice cat" kind of talk.

The cats I have had have always started out seeming baffled by my low-key "chats" with them, but over time they have all gotten to where they will come and sit in front of me and kind of seem to be waiting for a chat to begin.

As for my daughter's cat, these days she has become amazingly engaged when people are around. She faithfully greets a family member who visits regularly; but, more interesting, she senses when he's leaving and seems to make it a point to "say goodbye" by running after him, rubbing against his shins a few times, and sitting back to watch him leave. This cat who politely joins people at the dining room table, sitting straight up in the chair and seeming to take in the conversation, has come far from seeming to have Autism or hearing problems.

Talking to your cat isn't a matter of being "some weird, cat-lady type" who does nothing but talk to a cat all day. It doesn't take a lot of time or effort to make a few remarks to your pet during the day, or to make it a point to use words when you're feeding him or telling him to stay off the top of the refrigerator.

Getting your cat to behave well involves being consistent about a few basic house rules, and getting your cat to want to please you "because you are so wonderful". While it does remain important that you let your cat know you're in charge, there is no need to do more than let him know you have a few rules that are non-negotiable; but other than that, you're a kind, caring, respectful, friend.

Cats aren't particularly needy animals; but, like children (and dogs as well), all they need is to feel well fed, protected, cared for, respected, and valued. As it does with children, it takes time and patience to teach your cat the rules of the house and to build a relationship. As with children, once in a whle your cat may "forget" the rules; but, in general, the following the above suggestions will result in having a very well behaved - and even amazing - cat.

One final tip: If your cat seems a little rambunctious for any reason, one of the best ways to get him to switch gears is to give him some "people tuna" (tuna sold for people, rather than cats). When cats get "people tuna" they are usually so happy to have that treat, and so satisified after eating, they'll spend twenty minutes or so cleaning their paws and face and then head for the nearest comfy spot to snooze. One added benefit: The person who hands out the "people tuna" wins a lot of "points" in the eyes of any cat (which means yet one more reason for your cat to like you and want to please you).