Your spouse had an affair. Now what? You never thought this would happen to you. You never thought your partner – the love of your life – would be capable of it. And you certainly never thought you’d be capable of living through it.

Yet here you are. The affair has happened, and it’s time to rebuild the marriage. What do you do next?

Here are ten steps you can take to begin to heal the broken marriage:

1. Talk openly, and without blame, about why the affair happened. By truly understanding the environment of the marriage leading up to the affair, you will have a better handle on how the affair came to be. Chances are high that there were significant gaps in the marriage that as a result left your partner open to the affections of someone else.
2. Identify each other’s top five needs. Talking freely about each other’s needs is the first big step towards recovery. This part of the process tends to reveal some eye-opening pieces of information about exactly what had been missing from the marriage. And by taking the time to understand and consider the needs of your spouse, you are also creating an environment of intimacy. A great place to start would be to pick up the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Williard E. Harlely, Jr. This is a wonderfully enlightening book that goes into detail about the differences between men’s and women’s needs and how to go about satisfying those needs for your spouse.
3. Don’t ask questions about the affair. There will be a strong desire to hear the details of the affair. But beyond an initial discussion about it, you are much better off putting it in the past. By bringing it up, you essentially take the focus off of the marriage and put it on the affair. Remember that the affair was a symptom of a troubled marriage, not the cause.
4. Look forward, not back. This is a tough one. It is so easy to let your mind go to that place where it just doesn't belong -- the past.  And while you may think you can predict the future based on past events, you cannot.  Remember that you are working on healing what was broken in the marriage.  So whatever the circumstances were leading up to the affair, they are different now.  You are now working hard on meeting each other's needs and on rediscovering each other.  Looking back and conjuring up those old emotions will get you nowhere, fast.  But looking forward to your lives together will give you hope and determination.
   
5. Give your partner space. You are not the only one who has been dealing with a range of emotions. Your spouse is likely working through guilt, confusion and maybe depression. And while you may find it all unsettling, refrain from asking questions. Let your spouse know you’re there to listen, then leave it at that. Don’t pry. Don’t push. By doing this, you are in essence creating a safe environment in the home, which is critical to the healing process.
6. Have fun together. The aftermath of an affair is a difficult time. It’s hard to think about anything else. But adding some fun back into the marriage is yet another way you are bonding with your partner. Do the things you did when you were first dating. Do some new things. Go on a trip – no kids. And there’s one very important rule. No relationship talk. This should be a light evening of fun.
7. Don’t forget about sex. While you may be inclined to punish your spouse by withholding sex, it’s not going to benefit the relationship. Just the opposite. Sex serves its own very important purpose in a mending marriage. This physical bond is a way of reintroducing the intimacy between the two of you. In fact, men tend to rate sex as their number one need, as it is their way of connecting their partner. Even after an affair, sex in a marriage cannot be neglected. It deserves as much care and attention as the other pieces of the rebuilding process.
8. Focus on you: While you are placing a renewed focus on the marriage, you cannot forget about you. Rebuilding a marriage can be draining and it can become difficult to remember how to find your own peace within. But don’t let this happen. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, by yourself. Go to the gym. Go out with friends. Take that art class you’ve been eying. Maintaining that sense of self is critical in this process. By reminding yourself that you are a whole person independent of your spouse, you will bring more confidence to the marriage.
   
9. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling. You may find yourselves going around and around on the same issues, with no resolution. This can be maddening, as you are likely not aware of the circular patterns of your conversations. That’s where a marriage counselor comes in. They will guide these discussions and bring closure to these recurring issues. What’s more, a marriage counselor will give you strategies for how to approach your marriage.
10. Don’t give up. They call it “surviving” an affair for a reason – because at one point or another, you feel like you’re not going to make it. You can and you will. Keep your long-term goal in mind. Force yourself to see the progress, even if it’s slow progress.

Affairs are one of the most traumatic occurrences that can happen in a marriage. But it is important to remember that most marriages that survive an affair go on to be stronger than ever. But like anything else, it takes hard work, perseverance and time.

“Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it -- but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.” -- Oliver Wendell Holmes