Basics of Desire

So, you want to be desirable enough so that your partner will make the first move, huh? If you thought some of my other Hubs were long... This one will probably top them all. Either that or it won't. Let's see, shall we?

Okay. There are a number of factors governing desire but the bottom line is this. Ready? This is important:

There is no magic aphrodisiac that will make your partner more aggressive, more interested, more desirous of you. You can not 'make' anyone do anything that they do not wish to do. Period. Everything that people do is done because they want to do it. If they tell you otherwise, they are snowing you.

Also. Some people are not demonstrative. It is not in their nature to make the first move and nothing you do will change that.

That said, there are some steps that you can take to improve your desirability. If they do not work? He or she isn't all that interested for one reason or another Because I am feeling just a hair contrary, I will put the most important element last. Why? It has little or nothing to do with the rest of this Hub. So. On to Desirability 101.

Desirability 101: What to do.

1. Like yourself. I can not tell you how critical this one is. If you do not like yourself, it is unlikely that anyone else will either. Why? Well, because you know yourself better than anyone else could possibly know you. Now, I know from experience that most people are pretty nifty so self-recriminating, self-destructive internal monologuing is a waste of time. If you are doing it, stop it. *grin*
2. Take care of yourself. Exercise, a good diet, proper rest and cleanliness goes a loooooong way toward improving your sex appeal. Brush your teeth (And tongue. Yeah. Gross. Do it anyway. *wink*) Use deodorant. Wear clothing that fits and does not hang off your body. (This does not mean that you have to spend a fortune on clothing.) (Sorry. Those pants that hang down far enough to show skin between the bottom of the shirt and the top of the pants are not sexy. They look... *shudder* stupid. And yes. This is my opinion. I am sure that there is someone out there who likes the idea that those pants could fall off at any moment. To me it looks like, yes, they are going to fall off and the person who was wearing them is going to trip and do a face plant *SPLAT* right onto their face. Which is... y'know... where one lands if they are going to do a face plant. That is why it is called a ... never mind. You get the picture...)
3. Find a hobby. Why? People who sit around watching the idiot box during all of their spare time are boring after a while. Sorry, but it is true.
4. Read. (See above.)
5. Go to museums. (See above.)
6. Figure out what things make you feel sexy. Now, you will notice that there is no mention of your SO in that sentence. Why? For this part of the discussion, his or her opinions about what is sexy do not matter. (Their opinions come in later.) Before you can be seen as sexy to someone else, you have to know what sexy feels like to you. This part is fun because you get to experiment and you are not doing it for anyone but yourself. Play with it.

Take time to go through the list above. See which, if any, you need to work on. You might already be doing all of them. If so, we will move on. If not? These are areas where you can make a positive change for the better.

Desirability 101: What not to do

1. Do not fish for compliments. If you look good, you will know it. If So-and-So notices? Great. If not, so what? Dress for yourself. If you have done what came before, you will /know/ you look hot. And so will So-and-So.
2. Do not be clingy. This includes things like not letting your partner see friends of their own, calling all the time, insisting on knowing what your partner is doing at every moment of every day, etc... Please, please, please do not cling. Clinginess makes others feel as though they are far too important to you, which correlates to your not being important enough to yourself. It makes people uncomfortable with you. (Make sense? It's almost 2:30am. If it isn't clear, I can edit it when I've had sleep.). Clinginess makes you look weak and incomplete. Confident, complete people are sexy. Broken people are not.
3. Do not change who you are for him/her. You are a wonderful person. Remember that. Live your own life. If you think that So-and-So will be more attracted to you if you behave in different ways, there is a basic problem with the relationship. So-and-So needs to like you for who you are, or he/she is not the person for you. By the same token, you must be yourself or So-and-So will not know you and that is not right. Get it? *smile*

Desirability 191: Special Behavior for Special Occasions.

Does all of that above mean that you can not or should not dress and behave in special ways to please So-and-So on occasion? No, of course not. Special times can and should be marked by special behavior. The following are times and events that are fun and can certainly inspire people:

1. Birthdays: Whether you decide to go to a fancy restaurant or stay in for a home cooked meal, birthdays can be wonderful, intimate celebrations. Candlelight, romantic music, good food, appropriate drinks, clothing that shows your form off to advantage... All of these things contributes to an evening of heightened sensuality. The trick here is to be naturally sexy. You do not want to go over the top or be stiff or uncomfortable.
2. Anniversaries: Same as above, though the emphasis in clothing can be more sexual than sensual. Lingerie can be a lot of fun... Oh, yes indeed.

3. Any day can be a 'special occasion' day, really. Pick days that are important to you both. (Try to avoid natural turn offs here. I would avoid days that remind your SO of unhappy things like death, taxes, the day his/her ex left, or whatever else he/she might be avoiding.)

How far you go for each of the above is up to you. You will know what is appropriate and what is not. Or you should.

And now, the moment we have all been waiting for. The biggest turn on of all:

Talk to your SO. Be interested in what he/she has to say and who she/he is. Pay attention. Listen. Respond with well considered, thoughtful conversation...

How many times have you heard someone say something like: "I really like So-and-So. She/he really listens! I'd so 'do' him/her..." It is so rare these days that people listen. More than half of the population stops listening after less than half of the sentence has been spoken. They spend the rest of the time composing their reply. This means that they do not hear more than half of what is said. How insulting is that? It certainly is not sexy. So. Talk. Listen. Pay attention... Eyes focused on her/his eyes...

That was not so difficult, was it? *smile*

Oh. There is one more thing... If you have tried all of these things and So-and-So is still not making advances? Perhaps So-and-So is not comfortable being the sexual aggressor. (This is one of the topics you and So-and-So should discuss.) If she/he is not sexually aggressive, you need to decide how important that is to you. If it is vital that whomever you are with take a turn at instigating sex, you need to talk to your partner. If he/she refuses to entertain the notion, and it is critical that the two of you take turns, you may wish to consider looking elsewhere. (No, I am not advocating polygamy, divorce, adultery or anything else. I am saying that the pairing may be fatally flawed and a new partner may be the only solution.)

If you love So-and-So as your one and only true love, you will need to work through this with him/her. (This is where talking and listening comes in handy.) Sometimes, working it out is fairly simple. Demonstrations of what you want, play acting to ease a shy person out of their shell, etc... can help. If they do not, you may wish to consider taking a more formal approach to a solution.

I know how difficult this situation can be. I hope this has helped.