How to Levitate

Levitation has been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It isn't just David Blaine's invention, nor is it David Copperfield's. Saints like St. Francis Coupertino and St. John of the Cross have been known for their flying skills, and holy men from India and Africa are also known to be adept at floating and flying.

But levitation can be practised by anyone, not just the elect few. It is a skill that will stand you in good stead if you take the time to acquire this handy, helpful trick.

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Levitation can come in handy in a number of situations:

--to get that book on the top bookshelf. Don't go get a stool and risk falling off it. Levitate yourself to the tome you need safely and efficiently.

--to save a kitty stuck in a tree. why call the fire department? they are busy catching up on their sleep at the firehouse.

Just levitate and try and grab 'said kitty' yourself.( Let's hope your 'Mr. Wiskers' will not be startled by a flying man in his bathrobe.)

--to escape a mugger. don't endanger your life and don't give him your wallet just to appease. No.

just levitate and watch his reaction as you float to the local precinct to report him!

--having a beach party? Why go for stale jokes and dorky impressions of Dick Cheney singing 'My love does it good?

Instead, levitate over your friends. It will go over much better I assure you.

--got a bad back from sleeping on a hard, cheap mattress, but your husband can't afford a new one? No problem!

levitate and sleep on the softest substance known to science...air.

1. Raise your consciousness using your favourite consciousness-raising technique.

2. Levitate by raising yourself off the ground.

3. Levitate slowly at first,so as not to loose control. Just a few feet off the ground should do it the first time.

(note: If you find you are loosing control, try tying yourself to the bedpost to avoid accidents.)

--try pointing your focus at another object. Try something lite like a playing card. See if you can just make it ruffle a bit then when it does, levitate it up and down and see if your dog tries to chase it.

If so you might try the dog next. But be careful. You don't want your doggy floating accidentally out the window. Might startle Mrs. Olivetti next-door to see your Pekingese floating past her window when she is having her morning crumpet.

--now if you are beginning to feel more confident, try this. When your wife comes in to see why you are not pounding together another bookcase for her, or out raking the leaves, just focus on her feet and make them do a little 'samba' in double time. See if it doesn't make her forget all about the bathroom tiles she wants to re-grout or the shopping trip she wants you to take with her to buy purses. This may just have put it out of her mind!

Hubby making advances at times when you are not feeling 'amorous'? Just do this.

Focus your powers and levitate him into a cold shower.

Guaranteed to put him off while you get a good night's sleep!

--Can you levitate heavy objects? Why not? I do it all the time. The trick is to forget it's heavy. Remember in the world of anti-gravity, everything weighs the same, except for Oprah Winfrey when she is not on a diet.

Try letting your force flow toward your car, for example, and see if you can send it down to the nearest gas station where you can call and tell the attendant to fill it up with regular and you will pay him later.

See if he doesn't oblige you just to reward you for giving him such an impressive performance? (If he doesn't you can make your car drop again and again on the bell-hose until he gives in.)

--don't do office levitation. it can get distracting and you may find your boss asking you to levitate down to the nearest unemployment office.

--watch out for low ceilings.

--don't levitate over open waters. if you fall asleep you may wake up with wet pants.

--ladies! don't levitate unless you are wearing sports-shorts under that mini-skirt. Suffice it to say you would be 'showing off' more than just your power to fly.

Levitation can produce: dizziness, nausea, butterflies, heartburn and osmosis.

Levitation should NOT be practised by women who are pregnant or intend to become pregnant, people suffering from fear of heights, the elderly, golfers with a lousy putting stroke, stamp collectors, insurance salesmen and onion farmers.