How to Lose Money on a $1000 House
65
Top Ten Secrets to Losing Money on U.S. Real Estate
First of all, my apologies to Dave Barry, whose essay How to Get Rich In Real Estate inspired me to write this hub.
You know you're very close to the edge when Dave Barry becomes your main source of inspiration on financial and investment matters.
Dave's essay appears in an excellent collection of serious writing about financial meltdowns entitled Panic! which is edited by best-selling author and investigative financial journalist Michael Lewis and which I just read.
Panic! mostly contains not-funny-at-all material about how the United States got into this terrible mess, but the Dave Barry essay stands out because it is so funny, and also so true.
Some things are too painful to say except in jest.
Disclaimer #1: What follows are my additions to that essay. I want to make clear that I am not duplicating any original Dave Barry material here. (As if I could!) Mostly, I am speaking from personal experience and from the experience of others close to me. I live in Michigan and I used to work for a failed bank. Now I write for the internet.
So, you know, if anyone knows how to lose money right now, it's me.
Disclaimer #2: When it comes to real estate, the standard advice, "location, location, location," still holds true, in fact more so now than ever before. I admit that some parts of the United States do still contain pockets of hot real estate that will probably appreciate and you should buy that if you can buy it. If you are a realtor, save your outrage. I know. I know.
Disclaimer #3: Also, if you need a place to live and can get a mortgage (not many people can, but you might be able to if you have a credit score over 720), by all means buy a home and get the best deal you can in the best neighborhood you can. You have to live somewhere, but why should you rent? Go ahead and buy a house. Don't overspend. Take advantage of the new federal tax credit for first-time buyers.
Beyond these disclaimers, for those of you who are thinking of buying up super cheap homes at incredibly low prices so you'll be well-poised to cash in and become unbelievably wealthy when the market revives, to you I say, you are going to need some expert advice.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Many houses in the midwest are going right now for $1000 or even less, and many won't sell even at that insanely low price. Clearly, losing money in real estate is not as straightforward and easy as it used to be, or else more people would be trying it.
Come on you guys! Where's that American can't-do spirit?
Live dangerously! You can lose as much money in real estate as the next person! You just have to take that chance and dive in without a helmet and without clearing the algae out of the mosquito-infested pool. Do a cannonball. Come on. I double dog dare ya.
Here are ten great ways to lose TONS of money buying homes for less than you'd spend on a 1987 Chevette or your grandmother's LTD:
Pam's Sure Fire Tips for Losing Money on U.S. Real Estate
Tip #1--Buy the cheapest house you can find. That's right, don't even worry about looking at the house. It's a HOUSE, right? Even if it's in the worst neighborhood in the lowest level of Hell, a house, any house, has to be worth more than $1,000 eventually, right? So just plop down that cash, and in fact, if you are a foreign investor, just wire that cash to a total stranger you found in an ad on the internet so that person can take your $1,000 and make the purchase for you. You can totally trust anybody who says anything on the internet. We all know this. Many people have gotten insanely rich by simply wiring money to total strangers they found in ads on the internet.
Tip #2--Don't have the home inspected. It looks pretty solid, how bad could it be? Contractors just invent stuff so they can get you hire them. Make sure you imagine the best case scenario when it comes to renovations, and while you're at it, don't price anything either. You probably have a brother-in-law who can re-plumb, re-roof, and re-wire the entire structure for a couple hundred bucks or maybe just a case of Bud Lite.
Tip #3--Don't worry about the neighbors. So there's a pit bull puppy mill on one side of your $1,000 dream house and a meth lab on the other? So what? That's what stockade fences are for! You can probably put one up in an afternoon or in your spare time. Putting up fencing is really easy. That brother-in-law of yours will probably do it for fun, as a pleasant break from all that rewiring work.
Tip #4--Plan to rent your $1000 house, but don't check the rental market. Everyone knows that all you really have to do to rent a house is place an ad on Craigslist and wait for that tidy young professional who pays on time to show up and compete with lots of other dream renters to be your 'chosen one.' That's exactly how it works. You will become fast friends with this lovely person and he or she will leave that house looking nicer than when you bought it when it's time to move on. Make sure you have some cold milk in the fridge, because your dream renter will probably show up with a plate of brownies for you as a gesture of appreciation.
Tip #5--Don't worry about the property taxes. Most city governments are rational and friendly when it comes to tax assessments. They would never dream of over-assessing slum property so as to gouge investors and poor people and provide additional income to crooked assessors or, god forbid, crooked city governments. That would just be wrong. If by some chance a mistake has been made and your tax bill looks like it belongs to the Taj Mahal instead of a $1000 house, all you have to do is go down to the County-City building and ask the nice folks there to correct it, and they will do that on the spot and give you another one of those brownies while you wait.
Tip #6--Don't worry about insurance. Home owner's policies are cheap, even if insurance companies do tend to cancel them if a property is still vacant 30 days after you buy it. (It won't be! You have all those nice renters coming with brownies and wallets full of cash, remember?) Besides, even if you have to live in the house yourself while you and your brother-in-law fix it up, you'll be saving so much money by not having a house payment that the exorbitant property taxes and the $6,000 per year auto policy (not unusual in parts of Detroit) will be totally worth it, as will the constant replacing of your car's tires, seat covers, rims, and stereo. You can just buy all those things in bulk and do the repairs each week yourself.
Tip #8--Don't worry about crime. People make such a big hairy deal about home invasions these days. It's all a matter or perspective. You make a home invasion good or bad depending on your attitude. You can go one of two ways with this, depending on how often it happens: 1) semiautomatic weapons at every opening and a couple of those pit bull pups from next door, or 2) a plate of brownies and an empathetic attitude. Many of these home invaders have had difficult childhoods. Share your positive energy.
Tip #9--Don't worry about utility bills. It's a small house, how expensive could the utilities possibly be? Would you believe over $1500 per month? Well, that only happened in six or seven Cleveland suburbs because the meters malfunctioned and the Cleveland utility company was so inadequately staffed they couldn't get out to check them let alone fix them for months and months on end. Oh yeah and their customer service reps weren't available either because there were only 3 of them so the phones were always jammed. I'm sure that won't happen to you though. Don't even bother looking into that.
Tip #10--Don't worry about city codes. Code enforcement folks are the salt of the earth, seriously. Those monthly notices they send warning you of $500 fines and $350 clean up fees for 1) the piece of cardboard someone left next to your trash can, 2) the lawn chairs blown over in the back yard, 3) the non-regulation grass height, 4) the cracks in your sidewalk, 5) the railing you don't have on your stairs. 6) the....oh come on, can't you see that they love you? All this monthly fining and threatening that feels like a shakedown of some sort is so obviously just a ruse, a way to get your attention while covering over their tender feelings for you personally. Can't you find it in your heart to return their love? Send roses and a large gift of money. Share your positive energy. That's all they really want. Some of them have had very difficult childhoods.
Well, What Are You Waiting For?
Notice that I provided this advice ABSOLUTELY FREE!
I told you I was good at losing money.
I'm working on an e-book though that will be available for the low, low price of only $1,000 per download called, "How to Lose Money Investing in U.S. Real Estate!"
I think there's a need for it, a niche market if you will, and when you consider the many thousands of dollars you can lose by following my expert advice, the initial thousand dollar loss for the e-book is really worth every cent.
So quit whining, quit hesitating, and jump in there and buy these homes.
God, somebody has to.
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Comments
You make me realize just how incredibly lucky I am to have someone renting my house. She's even painted and fixed stuff up. No brownies, but she does bring me DQ Blizzards occasionally. . .
All right - I'll just have to go read that Dave Barry essay if it inspired you to write this. Put me on the e-book list, too.
I'm glad I bought my home 10 years ago. Although the price has dropped we are doing ok, but for how much longer who knows?
We are in a very up and coming area of the country, but still are concerned if hubby looses his job if we can get what it is worth to sell and move back to our home state.
APD Marketing--There is absolutely no reason to confine your real estate losses to the UK! We have so much real estate here just waiting to suck whatever pocket change you might still have right out off your dresser top! I'll put you on my hot prospects e-mail list. Good luck!
Teresa--I have renter stories that would curl your hair. My daughter and son-in-law tried to rent their home out before finally losing it, and each renter was worse than the one before. We looked for a renter for my house in Indiana unsuccessfully for three months, and finally put a relative in it but I will be losing it sometime between now and God knows when. I paid $39,000 for it and the first year there I saved $100 a month over what I was paying for an awful little upstairs flat, but now the place won't sell at any price, not $10,000, not $5,000, not $1,000. The city is starting to have foreclosures 'dumped' on it by banks that can't unload them at sheriff's sale. It's a mess.
Nolimits Nana--It is a hilarious read, you definitely should check it out. The rest of the book is good too, if a bit depressing.
Ethel--the house we live in has dropped in value about 20% since we bought it two years ago, but that's better than most of the homes around here. Most of them have dropped 25% in the past year alone.
Gifted Grandma--We are kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop too. We're just trying to make it to 62 with any kind of job between us. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for commenting!
LOL - you are so right! We think if it is cheap and a deal we should grab it. When you invest $1 of your money you should research where it is going. And a thou??????? I'd do a lot of investing. If it sounds too good, it probably is and you'll lose your shirt.
Hi RGraf! Thanks for stopping by. I agree totally. The sad thing is that lots of people 'did the right thing' in the sense that they bought a house they could afford and paid on time and then lost their jobs or the neighborhood went to crap or the banks went belly up--it's always painted as all these poor people went out and bought homes they cound't afford, but it's so much more complicated and ugly than that. Some people bought dozens of houses and defaulted on all of them almost instantly--it's a common form of mortgage fraud. It happened so much that the FBI can't even get to all the reported cases, hasn't even started investigations on fraud that is over 2 years old.
Pam: Thanks for the chuckles, as I read your errr.. tips. LOL! The one about the pit bulls and methadone lab, and "sharing the positive vibes" after a home invasion made me laugh, but the seriousness of your message does come across.
We are lucky, Phil's home has not dropped in value, but even with a credit score of 800 and property, he couldn't get a loan to finance a business investment; the bankers told him he would have been approved two years ago, but not now. This means we as a society are basically on our own. Its a little scary, and makes us take more responsibility for our well being.
Hi VioletSun--It's so true. We're on our own, and about to get more on our own. In some ways though, I think it won't be all bad. Maybe we will come out of this mess in a better place---but probably not soon. Thanks for sharing. :)
Your essay is wickedly funny and I think you got more than inspiration from Dave Barry -- you're picking up skill and style too.
Sad but true, all of it.
Thanks Robert! I appreciate your positive words and thanks for taking the time to read this. :)
HaHa, thats a hoot!
Thanks RV! Glad you got a laugh out of it.
Haha. I inspired this, huh? Weeelll, I researched MI, and don't consider it a good risk, lol, yet! Depends on what Obama's got going in the next few years... And absolutely, yes, the whole real estate thing is much more complicated than blaming this president or that, and people overspending (though in my neck of the woods at the moment--CA & AZ--the speculating and overspending certainly WAS prevalent). 'Lil Omaha girl that I am, I was like, they are paying $200,000 for a postage stamp piece of land as hard as rock on a plateau? Can't grow anothin' on it. Are they nuts? And quite frankly, I think they are, ;).
Its awful to see such destruction in the upper Midwest of some beautiful old historic homes.... Again, the inherent value of something. Makes me sad.
But, this doesn't scare me--I think because I am aware or becoming aware of the processes...and I know what to look for (I also own a plot of land near Dallas/Ft. Worth--fastest growing area in the country) And, if I don't take calculated risks, I get extraordinarily bored... What freaks me out is that those so free market/capitalist on hubpages, blah, blah blah, are also coming around to tell me...'oh, now you are gonna lose your shirt.' (Misha) Damned it you don't, damned if you do. I think they just like to be catankerous..lol...must be full of high fructose corn syrup.
If I had a spare $1,000 I'd buy your e-book. Really, I would.
This is another insanely sad but true essays. And really, don't apologize for getting your inspiration from Dave Barry! He's a genius! Not just a comic genius -- a genius genius. Like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart.
Hi Lita--There's two guys here in Kalamazoo who between them bought 32 slum houses at artificially high prices and cased out the equity so they could 'fix them up and rent them', never made a single improvement, never rented a single one, and defaulted on all of them immediately. THe made over a million dollars each doing this, and they still have not been charged with mortgage fraud because the FBI is so backed up. They did this in 2006. This year the city bought 5 times as many properties that didn't sell at sheriff's sale as usual--some will be demolished some will be turned into this or that.
I think it will get lots worse before it gets better--specifically I think 2010 will be worse than 2009 economically, not better. The free market types here--I am beginning to see them as trolls. It doesn't matter WHAT I say, 9 times out of 10 Misha will show up and tell me I'm stupid. I mean, geez--that's what my family is for, I don't need that here! LOL! On a more serious note, it gets old. It really does.
MM--Thanks for stopping by! I will definitely put you on my mailing list when the ebook comes out. If we open that HP rehab center you definitely will have that $1000. I'm pretty sure we'll be full up shortly. :)
Great Hub. Great humour but a very serious message. Every time I read one of your hub i despair for the state of the USA economy. Unfortunately that in turn has an impact on the rest of the world too.
BTW for me $1000 is about R8000 of our currency and that will buy a months rental in an average home in a middle/ Lower income suburb.
Hi sixtyorso--There are still good deals to be had in the real estate market here, but it's alarming how many homes where I live (the industrial midwest) now can't be sold at any price. I never thought I'd see the day come when real estate didn't have SOME value, but even banks see much of it as having a negative value at this point. Some banks are rethinking foreclosure in some parts of the midwest. The foreclosure process actually cost more than the bank can get at sheriff's sale for the property--sometime the properties don't sell at sheriff's sale no matter how often then come up, but it takes months for a new sale to roll around, and meanwhile the house sits and is vandalized and stripped. It is frightening. It scares me too. (BTW, here a one bedroom apartment runs around $500, about half of that--and a small rental house about $1000, but there's such a glut of them you can't find renters)
I was excited seeing your article because I was sure you would have a new mistake which I had not made. Unfortunately, you failed me. I've done them all (including the dogs). But an important omission . . . If for some reason, PGrundy's great suggestions don't work and the house starts to go, remember that there are thousands of "loan modifiers" who will ask for virtually nothing in return for converting your loan to everything you ever wanted it to be and who (according to their bandit signs) have a 95% success rate . . . and if they somehow fail, there are the lender reps you can call who average 23 years of age, have never owned a house, are underpaid and overworked, and are fired for showing any kind of compassion, who cannot wait to resolve all your problems for you.
In March 2008, after substantial research, I bought a house because it was priced $25/sq ft lower than anything in the neighborhood. In two months, after my sons had rehabbed the house, the prices in the neighborhood had dropped $75/sq ft, and the house would not (and still has not) sold. One of many sad examples proving that the phenomenon you describe exists everywhere, not just depressed areas like Detroit.
Nice hub
Steve, I'm sorry to hear about your house and about the your loan modification experiences, which I will be so bold as to say are totally typical and in fact, you are probably lucky you didn't get robbed blind by one of those 'organizations.'
I have a house in Northern Indiana that I bought to live in but moved out of right before the housing meltdown--to take a job in Michigan. Within two months of the move the market crashed and six months after that the job started to go south (the bank was sold off in January of this year, I lost my job in October of last year). When I bought the Indiana house it was the cheapest house I could find in the area--I mean NOTHING was priced lower. Two other homes were priced the same, but they were in drive-by shooting land.
My Indiana house is in a mixed residential neighborhood across the street from a new school. It's cute, a 1912 bungalow with a big porch and a brand new roof and furnace. It cost me $39,900, which gave me a payment well below rent anywhere. Today it isn't even worth $10,000. It isn't worth anything really. Two years on the market didn't snag a single showing and its been a long time since I pulled it off the market.
Well. Stuff happens. But now we are working hard to pay off what we do have so we'll at least be able to live indoors. That's our plan anyway. The issue of loan modifications and fraud and issues around attempts to modify a loan to keep a house--these are all things that are complex enough to warrant a separate hub. Maybe I'll do some on that--thank you for the idea. And thanks for your insights. This is indeed happening all over now.
Ummm, is it the hub I am supposed to get jealous about Lita's capitalistic success? I got lost, sorry. :)
No, I wrote it as the other side of Lita's hub. You can't get rich investing in real estate--not around where I live anyway. You can lose your mind and all your money. But get rich? Not.
Also, I've heard from so many Australians and New Zealanders who saw some guy on TV who says he is getting rich buying up $1,000 houses in Detroit, and I just wanted to point out that it is at least an eensy bit possible that he is LYING. It's just a thought. Just a possibility. :)
LOL Thanks Pam, guess Lita did mix up something, there is noting to be jealous about that kind of sad events...
Not at all--I visited my home city last Friday and it makes me sad every time I see it. It is decaying fast. When I was a kid it was a nice place to live. Not anymore.
I thought I heard they were going to bull doze all these houses and turn the areas in to parks there in MIchigan. Apparently the houses are ruined and not buyers for them any way.
Keep on hubbing!
Thanks eovery--Yes Flint, MI recently announced an iniative to bulldoze big sections of the city and turn them into public parks. I think it will be better over the long run, but sad in the short run.
Just to make people feel better, I guess, I posted the following to my hub:
"Editorial Note: This is not a made up story or a scam. Felt I must put that in here. I'm currently having trouble tracking down Iowa's abstract for the land as I write this, lol, ie, to send to the couple purchasing the plot. However, I would like to urge everyone, of course, to be cautious in approaching the real estate market as it stands currently. This isn't for anyone who doesn't like to study. There is always risk involved in investments... Please see some excellent hubs by The Money Guy for general information about finance and real estate to start off with."
Ultimately, I wrote the hub to attract clicks and readership. It is what I've been involved with right now, so it also seemed kind of natural and easy to write about...I haven't written anything for a while because I've been so busy...the graphic designer at my work broke his arm, so now I am both writer and designer, for one.
I've ascertained that just working a job won't cut it for me, and so yes, I will invest... It is like anything...can you make money on the internet? Yes. But there is a lot of scams. Can you successfully invest in real estate? Yes, but ditto with the scams.... Misha, I'm teasing you...Holy Cow!
How to make a small fortune in property? Start with a large fortune....
Another wonderful hub, your writing rocks
Lita--I'm actually on the same page you are. If I HAD money I'd be trying to buy something now. I wouldn't be able to help myself. I think you are right, it's like it is with anything else. Some people really can make money but lots of people don't. Kinda like writing for the internet! LOL!
LG--Thanks! I like that--start with a large fortune. Good one. :)
Eheh, a what-not-to-do list! Nice and original!
wow, damn why is our printer not working , I want to paste your hub smack ,bang, on every wall for my sweet (stubborn) american hubby to read when he gets home! Pam I swear you were that fly on the wall ,when we were looking at real estate ( in the USA) when we were still living in NZ and more recently here in the US. Thank God no money passed hands or via Western Union ( Im the cautious one) .
Had to laugh ( or is it hysteria) so much, particularly at the 'fixer uppers' ,we were offered one free ,( since the previous discussed property suddenly disappeared, funny that , and I got pissy at one realtor who couldnt drive 3 blocks to take photos)....anyone the free fixer upper should have been demolished ( employment opportunity) it was health hazzard , Im suprised the electricty company even supplied power , dry grass up to the smashed out windows, the place had been vandalised open invitation for arson,in a word disgusting pile of craps , ok more than a word . Thing is if you could even put your dog in it , the S.P.C.A would be notified ,but people ,well thats ok...Hahaha..god I need more coffee....(sorry I rambled)
On a more positive note, tents are cheap now and the rivers and woods look very inviting..smiles
anime_nanet--Thanks!
eaglekiwi--Ramble away! I don't mind! :)
Seriously, exploitation of foreign investors was rampant during the bubble here. One common fraud was to sell slum properties at grossly inflated prices to people who lived outside the U.S. , sight unseen, and promise them they would be wealthy landlords when they finally moved here. Of course once they arrived they discovered the properties were in horrible condition like the 'free' one you were offered, were unlivable, and worse, were overvalued so they couldn't even unload them. This fraud happened a lot and I think it is still happening, from what my NZ and AU friends at Hub Pages tell me. NEVER believe ANYTHING you read about 'getting rich in real estate' in Detroit, or anywhere. Any house that costs $1,000 that buy from out of the country is going to be not fit for a dog. Thanks for your comment!
Hi Pam,
What can I say - another brilliant hub.
It's true about Aussies buying "rental properties" in Detroit.
I've republished the hub I wrote about this topic a few months ago. See http://hubpages.com/hub/Foreclosed-Houses-In-Detro
Over here we're getting news reports of former home owners living in tent towns beside rivers, parks, highways. Just tragic.
Eric, those tent town reports are sadly true. What's especially crazy is that alongside of that phenomenon is a glut of distressed properties no one wants. I mean, even a child would say, "um, why don't you put the homeless people in those homes?" But no, can't do that. Wouldn't be 'fair'. Slippery slope and all that crap.
Some cities in the industrial midwest are dying fast. Large tracts of homes will have to be bulldozed. Flint has already floated that idea and will likely proceed with it. Thanks for stopping by. :)
@Pam:
Fairness ? Honesty? Compassion? Commonsense?
It would appear that these are very outdated, almost laughable principles these days.
Still, may be for the best. In ten years the fences could be gone, and the prairies and buffalo herds on the way back.
All things considered, I've made far more money in Real Estate than I ever did with my day job. Recent times have been tough....but I guess I'll make it through...the day job has come in more handy.
Eric--Buffalo are already coming back here in Michigan. People are starting to pass up the mystery meat grown on corporate farms. There are several grass fed growers here who raise buffalo, chickens, and pigs, and they can't keep up with the orders they are getting. That's heartening.
R.Blue--I'm glad to hear it! If I had money I'd be trying to make money in real estate. I like real estate. It's a good thing I don't have money. Don't have a day job either. Still livin' indoors though, thank God. Thanks for your comment. :)
..thinkin though, forget the homes for a minute ,is the land depreciating too?
I always thought gold and land were the only things that didnt go down in value (Gold has tripled in 10 yrs)...but not land?...hmmm wonder if theres a connection ,nahh now im just getting paranoid...lol
also eric reminded me of something I wanted to share , the reason many people in Australia and New Zealand look to invest in Real Estate in the US, isnt so much to live there ( though was in our case) but to invest as the properties in their own countries were and still are ridiculously high!! my son is renting for $200 (NZ) a week, small ,average one bedroom apartment, we pay half that here ,plus factor in currency rate Kiwi 61c-USA$1, its definately a rich mans game no matter which way you look at it.!!
Hi eaglekiwi--It depends on where the land is located. Land in Detroit? Not worth much with or without a house. Land facing a lake? That might make sense. The problem is it's hard to tell which parts of the U.S. will be healthy once this recession ends and which will take decades to come back. If a person could hold a property for a decade and be prepared to do that, maybe now is a good time to jump, but most are looking for a quick turnaround, and that's pretty tough in this market. :)
Pam, this all seems a world away from where I am in the South of England. Typical rental on a three bedroomed house with a tiny garden front and back, and maybe off-road parking if you're lucky, is between £750 and £1000 per month. I can see how foreign investors might be seduced by the prices where you are. You could buy a whole neighbourhood for the price of a bedsit over here, but after reading your hub, I can think of a hundred better things to do with my cash. A quick trip to the casino might be a better plan!
Hi Amanda--I wish I could visit England again. A few years ago BIll and I went to Toronto for a couple of days and the cost of housing there was similar to what you describe. We had fantasies of living in Toronto, but when we checked out Toronto housing those fantasies evaporated fast. I've always tried to keep my housing costs as low as possible, but many people in the U.S. go the other direction with it. Mortgages of $1500 per month are about average. Ours is nowhere near that. Even so, the house we live in has declined 25% in value in only two years. Scary stuff.
Great article. Many people don't understand that buying a property is just the FIRST step!
Thanks Toronto condos--So true. (BTW--I looked up condos in Toronto once. We love that city, but whoa! Way out of our price range!!)
































APD Marketing says:
5 months ago
Wow, that is so cool. I'd really like to get into the U.S property market as I haven't lost nearly enough over here in the U.K - please put me down for a copy of your eBook as soon as it's released.
I can't wait!
Yours in anticipation.
Derek