How to Make Somebody Love You

You have met your soul mate, the one and only, now what? Now you have to make him or her fall madly, drunkly, and blindly in love with you. You could use the old-fashioned, outdated method of getting to know the person, dating, and being yourself...letting the love and mutual respect develop naturally, but do you really have the time and patience for that?

In this day and age, only fools let love follow its natural course. You need to act now and manipulate the situation to your advantage, unless you want to end up a forty year old living with your parents. And, don't forget old Aunt Marge pinching your cheeks, asking for the 947,329th time: "When are you going to get married?”

1. Be Needy: You have to let this person know you need him or her. Not only will it make your love feel good to be wanted, but you will be able to latch on quickly and get your hooks in nice and deep.

2. Learn Everything: Dig deep and discover everything about your love. You will amaze him or her with your ability to know this person so well. It will seem uncanny that you can know so much about this person. Some might call it stalking, but it's not like background checks are illegal.
3. Meet the Parents: You don't even have to wait for your love interest to introduce you. Take some initiative and meet them on your own. You will get to know a lot more about your love through his or her family. Plus, it will make it more difficult for this person not to get into a relationship with you once the family loves you!
4. Say I Love You: Nothing better lets someone know exactly how you feel than actually telling them. That's right, be honest. You need to get it out in the open, and let him or her know exactly what you expect from the relationship. If your love wants to know which relationship you are talking about, don't hold back: tell this person everything! You can even share the ideas you have for what to name your kids.
5. Get the Friends: You know #3? Well, the same thing applies here, but focus on the friends. Once you have infiltrated the group of friends, you are in for life. Find out what their interests are, where they hang out, what they do--and make sure you are always around.
6. Make Your Interests Match: Whoever said that you should be independent was crazy. You need to find out what interests your love. Then, make sure he or she knows that you have the same exact interests! You might have to stay up all night reading up on baseball stats or learn the local theater schedules, but it will be worth it when you have your arms wrapped, dead-tight, around your love.

7. PDA: Oh yeah...public displays of affection. Get it on as soon as possible. Nothing will endear you to your love more than being all over him or her in public. The moment you see this person, start touching. Do whatever you have to do to get a hold of his or her hand. Hug your love and don't hold those smooches back. If he or she seems a little weirded out about it, don't worry...keep the PDA going strong. It will pay out in the long run.

8. Get a Tattoo: A huge tattoo. Preferably with a giant heart. Don't forget the most important part: your love's name! For extra points, get a tattoo of his or her face.
9. Move In: Your love interest might not think it is a great idea at first, but you can work around that. Just start bringing your stuff over and leaving it at his or her place. Get yourself a key- I know you can find a way- and let yourself in whenever you need to. Definitely be sure to create your space at his/her place. And, make sure your picture is everywhere. This way, you won't be forgotten when you aren't around for a little while.
10. Love Spells: If all else fails, try some love spells. That's right: voodoo it. Wrap that guy or gal around your finger. It's all about the manipulation. Steal some hair, light a candle, and bad karma be damned!

By now you should be happily in the arms of your sweet, true love.

This article is meant for humorous purposes only. Any resemblance to real actions or police incidents is purely coincidental. No tattoo artists or Wiccans were injured in the creation of this article. If you are susceptible to following bad advice, this is not for you. This article is intended for those with a sense of humor, not for those who feel offended. This advice is not recommended for children, teenagers, adults, or anyone not interested in a prison record.