This article may be updated as more brilliant insights come to mind…

Always set your wallet on the counter when making a transaction. When you forget and leave it, it will always still be there when you go back for it.

Keep using those made-in-China Christmas tree lights you bought twenty years ago.

Always lie to your new insurance company when signing up. That way you get the lowest possible rate. They’ll never use it to renege on a claim.

Just because the corner retailer cheated you on the sales tax last time doesn’t mean they will do it again this time.

Eat all the junk food you want. Partially hydrogenated oil is good for you. So is lots and lots of salt.

Never comparison shop. True, prices can vary by as much as 100%; but you can afford it.

Keep your checking and savings accounts at your national bank. The myth that credit unions are ten times better is a scam.

Credit card companies are your friend. You can trust them.

Medical billing departments are your friend. They always bill a fair and reasonable amount; and always only for services actually rendered.

Always buy name brand groceries. They cost 50% more, but the classy name and logo makes it worth it.

Always keep your wallet in your back pocket when in crowds. Pickpockets are a myth.

All service providers put ethics above income.

Hug your coworkers at every opportunity. Share all sex related jokes with them. Bring up religion and politics as often as possible.

Always let your boss know what he/she is doing wrong. Especially point out any character flaws. How else will he/she know how to improve themselves?

Always sign the back of your paycheck as soon as you receive it. Keep it in your front shirt pocket.

Gossiping is good. It gives you credibility.

Doing routine maintenance on your car is a waste of time. Ignore any/all strange sounds coming from your car; they’ll usually stop on their own.

Park in front of your driveway; you have the civil right to do so.

Text and drive; it saves time; same with cell phones. Your objective is to be as distracted as possible; it’s called multi-tasking.

Pulled over for rolling a stop sign? Ask the nice officer why he/she isn’t out fighting real crime. Make it personal.

Pulled over for speeding? Tell the nice police officer that you were just trying to get home before the six tequila shooters kicked in.

Car chases are fun for others to watch on TV. Do one; you will be contributing to society.

Always be rude to people, especially in parking lots. Your victims will admire you for your independence.

Littering is no big deal. It shows you have class.

Just because someone lied to you before doesn’t mean they will lie to you again.

Always judge people by their appearance. It saves time.

Sensitivity to others’ feelings shows that you are weak.

Common sense is overrated.

Seatbelts are for sissies.

Condoms are for cowards.

Trust and believe everything you hear on television news; this is especially applicable to the cable channels.

Newspapers are never biased.

If it’s on the internet, then it must be true.

Put off all important items until the very last possible moment. That way you will have lots of options if anything goes wrong.

You’ve earned it. Take a break and go to Las Vegas. Go to lots of casinos; be sure and have at least two drinks at each one. Cabs are expensive; driving yourself will save time and money.

Call 911 at least once a month to be sure it works. They’ll understand.

Be sure to not remove your keychain pocket knife before visiting any government building.

Immediately respond to all emails from strangers; how else will you meet new people? Especially respond to those emails that mention lotteries, porn, and making money. Be sure to click on any embedded links they may have.

Always believe the return address you see in emails.

Always believe caller ID.

Doing computer file back-ups is a waste of time; installing security software is a waste of time.

Always post as much personally identifiable information as possible on your profile pages.

Always volunteer as much information as possible in adversarial situations.

Disregard correspondence from any government agency; eventually they will go away.

Eat as much as you want and get as fat as you want. You will need it when Friday, December 21, 2012 rolls around.