Balancing Act: Granting Autonomy and Imposing Discipline

You can discipline a child without love but you cannot love a child without disciplining him. Disciplining is one way of saying, “I love you too much to let you get away with this unacceptable behavior.” Love your child unconditionally but make the important distinction between acceptance and approval. (You tell him, “I love you, sweetie, but I do not approve of what you are doing.”)

Discipline, from the word discere (to know), means to teach. We discipline our children by teaching them the importance of rules, limits and consequences and help them to appreciate the reasons why these exist.

Establish clear limits of behavior. Children feel more secure if you really mean business. A child who lacks defined limits will beg for this need to be fulfilled.

A leading Filipino child psychologist, Dr. Honey Carandang, tells this story. One time, Honey was working on a paper in her bedroom. One of her sons, then maybe 4 or 5 years old, was in the room with her, trying to amuse himself. He would take a shoe and rub it on the white bed cover. He did this for some time and Honey was aware of what he was doing but she had a deadline to meet. Finally, the son tugged at her sleeve and said, “Mommy, mommy – you are supposed to tell me to stop what I am doing!”

Children should also be made aware of the rules and consequences in advance. A word of warning is only fair and make sure it is a warning they can understand. This “advance notice” lessens the possibility of our children perceiving rules and consequences as arbitrary and unfair.

Enforce boundaries with consistent discipline. Being consistent is a must. Studies have shown that “intermittent reinforcement” (or reinforcing a response on some occasions and not on others) produces more durable behaviors than reinforcement on every occasion. Why is this so? A behavior tends to persist when it takes longer to realize that reinforcement has ended, This is why parents who only occasionally give in to a child’s temper tantrum strengthen that kind of behavior even more than if they gave in every time. The child does not know what to expect and so he keeps on doing what he is doing.

Deal with issues immediately. Don’t delay. I have heard mothers tell their children -- “Wait till your daddy comes home. He’ll beat the shit out of you.” Don’t do this. If you are the parent witnessing the misbehavior, act on it at once. Don’t wait for your spouse to assume the role of gestapo.

Establish responsibility for wrong doing. Ask your child -- why did you do it? Establish whether he is telling a lie or he is being framed by his playmates. Sometimes, children get really upset because they are blamed for things which they did not actually do.

Let discipline be no greater than the offense. Without experiencing consequences that are fair, it is almost impossible for children to become responsible individuals.

Here are a few more things to remember about discipline.

Discipline must begin with clear expectations and should be tailored to the child’s stage of development and particular temperament. This is the reason why it is important for you to know your child and what he is capable of.

Choose your battles carefully. Don’t make a big issue of everything. Make a distinction between the trivial and the important. Ask yourself: Will this leave a permanent scar or does it just annoy me? You may be bothered by the fact that your son has hair longer than yours but wearing a ponytail is not a heinous crime for a boy.

You and your spouse can have your own styles of disciplining, but speak with one voice. This is probably the hardest thing you have to do. Hang together or hang separately. Back each other up. Children are smart. They know how to divide and rule. When Mom says NO and Dad says YES, the father undermines the mother’s authority.

Once a matter is dealt with, consider it forgiven and settled forever, Forget this offense and put it in the past. Don’t keep bringing it up.

Part 4

http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Raise-an-Independent-Child---Part-4