How to Stop Your Child from Biting
89What Usually Works - After A Little While
Babies nearing a year old and those just over a year old may discover biting. This biting isn't usually an act of aggression. When parents react to the biting the baby discovers he can get a reaction - and that's the thing that makes the baby bite again (and sometimes again).
When biting is at this age it is tempting to just wait it out. The wait, however, is a long one when a one-year-old bites several times a day.
Trying to prevent situations that encourage the baby to bite can help reduce the problem. My daughter, at about ten months old, discovered that it was funny to bite the back of my hand, as I pushed the shopping cart with her in the infant seat. I would minding my business, conscientiously keeping my hand on the cart's handle, when - all of a sudden, as I was reading the cereal box - my hand would be bitten.
Once I realized it had become a regular thing I knew enough to make sure she had a cat food box (with a big picture of cat's face on it) to look at while we shopped. Also, I would give her a piece of cheese or some other snack. One-year-olds can be kept busy with food.
The biting incidents were reduced, but even then I'd see her head start to dip down toward my hand. I found that a very calm, but clearly firm, "non-reaction" was effective. I would calmly take my hand away, look at her (without a shred of reaction in my eyes), and calmly say, "No. You don't do that." The effective "non-reaction" should be sober, low-key, firm, calm, authoritative, and non-emotional.
After a while the biting stopped. I suspect it was that she outgrew that phase, rather than my method. Still, at least I knew that I had not encourage more biting during the time when it was a problem. (My son didn't bite at that age, but he discovered face-slapping - another fun thing for almost-ones to do.)
When children around two years old bite it isn't that "Hey-I-know-what-would-be-fun" kind of biting. Instead, some children this age bite out of frustration, which sometimes turns into anger. (Maybe they learned that it was effective back when they were one - I don't know.) The good thing about two-year-olds, though, is that they are old enough to understand what you are saying when you say, "You can't bite. We don't let anyone hurt you, and you are not to hurt anyone else."
Two-year-olds are very new to realizing they are independent little people, but they're brand new at dealing with the frustrations that come from being both newly independent and uncertain about many things. If a playmate casually takes a toy from them they aren't happy about it. If a parent stops them from opening the refrigerator door they get angry.
Most two-year-olds, like one-year-olds, will also grow out of this. In the meantime, there are two aims: 1) to reduce the situations that potentially invite biting and 2) to teach the child that biting will not be tolerated.
Reducing situations where biting may occur may mean not allowing a two-year-old who bites to play with other toddlers without an adult keeping an eye of both children. If the playmate takes a toy the adult can intervene on behalf of the "biter", explaining to the other child, "Freddy was playing with that. You can have your turn in a minute." What this does is show "Freddy" (the biter) that someone will stand up for him when he is feeling assaulted. It will also show him an example of how problems can be straightened out with words and a plan.
When the adult hasn't been fast enough to stop the playmate from taking Freddy's toy, the next option is to intervene before Freddy bites. Heading off the biting, and telling Freddy (in a calm but firm voice), "You cannot bite. If you try to bite again you won't be able to stay and play," will help Freddy to get practice in having his urge to bite interrupted. Telling Freddy, "You cannot play with other children if you try to bite" will let Freddy know he won't get to enjoy playmates with his unacceptable behavior.
It shouldn't take too long before Freddy learns to interrupt his own urge to bite.
The same kind of approach can be used if a child tries to bite a parent who has upset him: 1) Try to eliminate scenarios that invite biting and 2) Be quick enough to head off the bite, while calmly expressing that biting is unacceptable. If biting occurs when the child has a "Terrible-Two" temper tantrum try to reduce the number of frustrations that cause the tantrums. Two-year-olds don't like surprises and do like to have some control over what they do. Sometimes telling a child about the plans for the day, or giving him a couple of limited choices about things that affect him, can keep tantrums to a minimum.
Telling a two-year-old ahead of time, "Even though we usually watch Barney after lunch, today we're going to go to the store. Won't that be a good thing to do?" can make him feel he's been let in on the plans. Adding something like, "When we go to the store, do you want to get plain crackers or Gold Fish?" adds to the child's sense of sharing in the plans.
Talking about not biting should not be reserved for crisis moments. During driving time or bath time parents can talk about all kinds of things with the child. Talking nicely about how people shouldn't bite, and how children who bite won't have friends, will be more understood than many parents realize.
Finally, the method recommended by Jo Frost, television's "SuperNanny", does work with children over two. SuperNanny instructs parents to establish a "Naughty Chair" or "Naughty Step, a chair or step to be used when the child misbehaves.
Her method is to calmly remove the child from the situation (for example, the scene of the biting episode), tell him once why he's being placed on the "Naughty Chair", say nothing else, and use his age to determine how long he will be left there. (A two-year-old would be left for two minutes, a four-year-old would be left for four minutes.)
Parents are instructed to return to the child when the time is up, ask him to say he's sorry for what he did, hug him, and allow him to leave the chair (or step).
Not all two-year-olds bite, but two is the time when those who do generally learn that they shouldn't bite. Life is not quite as upsetting when you're three years old. Three-year-olds, too, have usually managed to polish their social skills.
When children three or older bite parents can use SuperNanny's technique, although they may want consider getting professional guidance with their child, since biting is usually a problem reserved for the under-three set.
"Charlie Bit My Finger " (Sometimes Biting Can Be Kind of Cute)
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Comments
kak, thanks for commenting. If he's a little guy it's something a lot of them do.
Well my nephew is 3 years old & he bites the kids for no reason, he will walk by them & bite & leave a huge mark that here lately almost breaks the skin, then when you set him from time out he screams so loud it hurts everyones ears. Any advice? My email is eeyore_7897@yahoo.com. Thanks!
Devon, I don't feel qualified to offer my own guesses about your nephew, because the behavior you describe is different from the usual, immediate, biting-out-frustration that younger children often do when playing near other young children.
Keeping in mind that I'm just "stabbing in the dark", I do know that little kids can get "wound up" (often if they have parents who kind of encourage "wound up" behavior). Children who live with other, slightly older, children can "learn" aggression too. Children who lack social skills often don't really know the appropriate way to engage others. Then, too, there are children who need a little more one-on-one, positive, attention.
Screaming because he wants his own way is pretty normal for a lot of three-year-olds.
My personal advice would be (if this isn't happening already) that his mother spend a lot of time talking to him (in pleasant conversation, not lecturing or scolding) and talking about "how to be a nice friend" or "why nice boys don't hurt other children". Talking about what's the right behavior just in pleasant conversation will get through to children. Three-year-olds in particular love being just with their mother or father and talking about everything. It can seem as if they've reached a stage of being a "child" rather than a "toddler", and they seem to crave talk about "all of life" as a way of learning what they need to learn. At four they start to "move outward" some from just their parent(s), but three-year-olds seem to crave and thrive on that individual, nice, attention.
There's at least the possibility that he's learned that biting getting "everyone" all upset. Maybe he needs more individual attention. There's also the chance he could use some more structured play (like building with blocks, coloring, playing with clay, etc.) because that kind of play can make a child have a sense of satisfaction about himself. Sometimes if children are just kind of left to "run around without direction" they get feel kind of "at loose ends" and frazzled.
The two links below are to good information about aggression in young children. (I love Zero to Three. They have lots of good information about everything.)
I have a two year old biter. I will put your article to work immediately. Thank you.
James, good luck. Worst case, if it doesn't work he'll eventually grow out of it on his own. :)
My son used to like to bite too and luckily, he outgrown it by himself.
todaysmotherhood, thanks. A lot of little folks do just grow out of it. Some who are two and over have a "different thing going on" than younger toddlers.
My daughter is 18 months old and she starts bitting. I will follow your instructions. Thank you for these useful informations.Pretty good hub for the parents and not only.
Hi,
I have a two year old son that started biting when he was about one year old. Every time he bites I explain he should not hurt other people and also put him in a time out chair for two minutes. Then I tell him to cuddle and say sorry to his friend. He also has a book about biting explaining why it is wrong to bite. I try not to make a fuss of it, so that he does not use it as a way to get attention. However, what I don’t understand is that sometimes he bites when he is playing nicely! He likes to cuddle his little friends and often grabs hold of them to cuddle and sometimes bite. Or there was one occasion he was rolling with a friend on the floor and bit his arm.
I think my technique is not working as he has been biting for over a year now. I don’t know what else to do and I find it quite upsetting.
Marcia, my guess is here just that - a guess; but for what it's worth, I'll take a blind stab at it...
It strikes me that biting for a one-year-old is very common. Toddlers that age are pretty young, and I tend to think a little too young for them to "get" (the concept) of time-out. Usually, with a one-year-old a mother has to interrupt the process if she's biting coming; or else firmly say, "no", each time the baby gets even close to biting.
At one, the "training" has to be simple, because they're still too young to understand a lot of "more advanced" concepts (like "wrong"). In other words, I don't think he was able to learn not to bite because he couldn't understand your explanations, and maybe you weren't "firm sounding" enough (in your tone and with quick, no-nonsense, action and nothing extra) a year ago.
This guess is purely an "out-of-the-sky" kind of guess; but I'm wondering if time, and the way you've handled the situation has almost made him see biting as a game that results in a whole set of things from you that amount to attention. He's got the book about biting, and he gets conversation from you about a biting. Then there's the whole "cuddle procedure" and yet more attention when you tell him to say he's sorry to his friend.
There's the possibility you're making the very fuss you don't want to make, but you're making a "pleasant enough fuss" that he could see it as a kind of game. If it were my two-year-old I'd tell him ahead of time (immediately before playing with any other child), "If you bite so-and-so you can't play with him any more." I'd watch for signs that he was headed for a bite. Whether or not I got to him in time to prevent it, I'd squat down, look him in the eye, and very firmly say, "We're not having biting."
I'd use a firm, kind of low and "emotion-less" voice. Then I'd immediately take him by the hand and lead him away to another part of the house. If he didn't kick and scream I'd give him a toy to play with by himself (maybe where I could watch him but where he wasn't near the other child). If he did kick and scream (which most two-year-old would) I'd let him kick and scream in the other area until he either stopped on his own or until he had gone on long enough having his tantrum and saying he wanted to play with the other child.
If he stopped on his own and asked if he could go back and play I'd tell him he could, but if he "dared" bite again I was going to take him away and not let him return the next time. If he had a tantrum for five minutes or so and kept saying he wanted to go back I'd tell him the same thing. A two-year-old in a tantrum is upset and only thinking about what he wants to do. Letting him go back after he's been taken away and upset for a little while will make him feel happy to know he's getting to go back, and the discomfort of being so upset should be enough to teach him what will happen if he bites again.
I wouldn't call attention to the biting issue any time other than right before he started playing or if he started to bite. To me, talking too much about it sends the message that it's "an issue that goes on", rather than "this isn't something that people do, and you can't do it either".
In general, most two-year-olds aren't big for cuddling their playmates, so there's a chance he's just a little "younger" in that particular area. If that's the case it could be one reason he hasn't yet outgrown biting. The other side to that coin is that he could be a little "sharper" than most two-year-olds are in that area, and he could actually be kind of "planning to trick" his playmate by pretending to want to cuddle and then biting. He might think it's funny (in his own, two-year-old, way). If he has gotten the message that biting "isn't all that serious" he might just think it's more "rough-and-tumble" play. Since he's been told to cuddle a friend after he bites, he may even be confused and have come to associate biting and cuddling as "a relatively harmless thing" that's a part of playing and/or interacting.
Again, just guessing, but I think he does need your swift attention when he tries to bite; but it should be negative attention that he doesn't enjoy. He should see in your eyes and hear in your calm, low, firm, voice that you absolutely don't approve of what he's done, and you are not going to tolerate it. All the rest of the time you can be your usual, nice, friendly, loving, self; and these isolated incidents when you make it clear you disapprove should send the message to him that biting is unacceptable.
Between his getting the message and stopping, and/or his getting a little older and outgrowing it, you probably won't have to do this kind of thing too many times or for too long. It won't mean a whole childhood of you treating him "coldly" if he messes up in a way that doesn't involve his being aggressive. It just means using this simple approach now, while he's two or so, and so young explanations and reasons in a nice voice may not be what he can understand/process in a more mature way. Something simple, like "We're not having biting. Biting hurts people," is usually enough. In fact, depending on his language skills, being clear and firm before he starts playing with someone may be enough (or at least enough for a while or until he's frustrated by the other child).
I can't guarantee that this approach will work, but it's how I'd handle it if I had a two-year-old who bites. Just so you know, I wasn't "some tough disciplinarian" with my own three kids. I was "nice" and "reasonable" on all issues, even matters of behavior, other than aggression. That was the one thing about which I sent the message (from the time they were two on up), "We aren't having hurting people. I don't hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you. You will not hurt anyone else. When I see aggression I'm not my usual, warm, friendly, self. I'm all business." To me, all other "misdeeds" were "negotiable" or "conversation-worthy". Aggression wasn't, and I wanted them to know that.
Your little guy is still not much more than a baby, and language skills vary a lot for children that age. He may or may not understand explanations; but even if he does understand up to a point, all two-year-olds have two-year-olds' emotional immaturity to complicate things. The combination of your "unfriendly" eyes, no-nonsense and firm tone, and quick removal of him from "the scene of the crime" are simple enough for him to understand.
Again, I'm just guessing at ways you could do things differently. Ordinarily, this kind of things works pretty well.
More Tips on Dealing with Biting
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kak says:
5 months ago
Thank u very much, my son bits his classmates, and although I explain him not to do it, he still does it. I was wondering if it was time to a phsycologist visit. But instead I will pay more attention, try to help him express his feelings and be patient, hoping he does not bit again.