Minnesota has the privilege of claiming winters only just shorter than those of Canada and Alaska. I have done my time, surviving twenty one courses of snow storms lasting through April, and in light of my move to warmer climes (Illinois, but hey, its 500 miles further south and that has to count for SOMETHING) I have decided to leave a list of survival tips for those long Minnesota winters for those who may be less experienced than myself at them.

As an opening tip, Minnesota winters may start anywhere from Halloween up until Christmas. There have been a few Christmases I can remember without snow, but it has at least been below freezing for them, which I will count as essentially the same thing as winter. I suppose the "average" dates for the first snowfall of the season is somewhere in mid to late November, but as soon as that's what the weathermen start telling you the snow will arrive earlier or later, JUST OUT OF SPITE. That's right, it is a little known fact that Minnesota weather exists only to test the mettle of local meteorologists. It's a tough business to get a break in, especially when the weather composes 75% of our local conversational ability. But onto the tips!

1. Stay home during the first snowfall of the year. You are better off sitting inside with a cup of hot coffee/cocoa/hard cider/tea than out on the roads with those idiots. Because despite dealing with the same basic weather conditions every single year, come the first half an inch of snow, every Minnesota driver instantaneously forgets the proper techniques for driving on the freeways in the snow. You will never see more spin outs and cars in the ditches than you will during the first half an inch of snow at the beginning of November.
2. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT become a football fan. If you are already a fan of a non-Minnesota team, ignore this tip, you will add interest to our sad little sports get togethers. If you are a Minnesota sports fan and the cold doesn't kill you first, disappointment in the Vikings will descend swiftly and mercilessly to finish the job.
3. Learn two important brand names in our lives: Carhartt and Sorel. If you have never owned snowboots with a liner that pulls out and is lined by faux fur, you've clearly not spent much time in Minnesota.
4. Whenever possible, talk your neighbor who has a snowplow attached to the front of his truck (and you will/do have at least one) into plowing your driveway for you. This will save you many bouts of cursing, breaking snow shovels, falling on your tailbone, and brief liasons with threats of frostbite, especially if you haven't familiarized yourself with the brands listed above.
5. Clothes rated for climbing Mount Everest are necessary to your life for two the three months out of the year. Every year. If it isn't rated to at least -40 F, its not worth your money.
   
6. Take up skiing or snowboarding. At least briefly. You will be the odd one out if you do neither of these sports regularly without the excuse of having broken at least one bone when you were younger.
7. Take up drinking. Besides acting as an antifreeze in your blood, alcohol will make you more relaxed, less angry about the weather, and when coupled with your mother/aunt/grandma/neighbor's hotdish, will add a nice layer of winter fat to get you through the long months in your den.
8. You always though hats with ear flaps were a joke, didn't you?
   

If all else fails, move south. But not to Iowa. There's just no excuse for that.