How to Survive the First Year of Motherhood, Part II

"Home". It seems simple enough, doesn't it? You've gotten everything packed - you did remember all the samples, didn't you? Great! You've taken care of all the paperwork - you've filled out forms and signed at the ‘x' until you wondered if your fingers would ever uncramp and relax again. Your ride home is waiting for you out front and the nurse is standing there with that silly wheelchair. She's going to make some routine joke about ‘traveling in style' or ‘chauffeur service' and you're going to smile and insist that you can walk but you're going to get in the chair anyway. Then - away you go - through the hospital feeling like an idiot. A proud idiot, but an idiot, nevertheless. The feeling won't last long, though. Before you know it you'll have reached the front doors and then the car and now you find you've got a real dilemma.

Suddenly that little seat looks so big and cold and lonely, just sitting there in the rear seat. And you're supposed to put your precious baby in there, all alone?

In a word - yes. It really is safer. Sure, the seat may seem to swallow her up but you'll find you can do wonders with baby blankets. Roll up a receiving blanket and frame her tiny head with it to hold it steady and to keep the straps away from her face but I can't stress enough the importance of using this life-saving seat and using it according to the manufacturer's recommendations. Every time. No matter how short the trip or how uncomfortable your little angel looks.

Finally, just go ahead and sit in the back seat with her. You know you want to and both you and the driver will feel better. And the baby? She's probably going to sleep through the whole process. Babies are funny that way. Wait until you vacuum and watch her sleep through that, yet wake when the oven timer dings. The car seat's a breeze. You might want to make sure you're buckled in, though. You're looking at an eighteen-year trip.

It doesn't matter whether you had one of the ever-popular drive-through deliveries with its characteristic 12-hour stay in the hospital, or you were a guest for a week; you're bound to have mixed feelings at the idea of going home. On the surface you're jubilant and excited but, underneath, you're probably nervous.

What if you mess up? What if you don't hear the baby in the middle of the night? What if she won't eat? What if she gets sick? What if she doesn't sleep enough? What if she sleeps too much? What about her diaper changes - do you have enough and are they the right size? Is the house clean enough?

Take a deep breath. She's a baby and right now she doesn't have any expectations - that's all you. She isn't going to notice or care whether the dishes are done. Soap scum on the shower door isn't going to bother her in the least, neither is a bit of clutter in the linen closet and I'd say that the chances of her being scarred for life by an errant dust bunny hiding behind the bedroom door are slim indeed.

Relax.

I know, I know...easier said than done but you're home now. You're going to develop a routine or, I suppose I should say your baby's going to develop a routine. At this point all you've got to do is follow it - and you will. The time will come when you'll need to assert your parental authority but not yet. For right now you've just got to get through the day. And the night. The days aren't so bad, all things considered. The baby sleeps - a lot. You wait and watch - a lot. You wait for her to be hungry, you watch for her to wake so you can feed her, burp her and change her before she goes back to sleep. And then, when friends and relatives stop by to see your little miracle, you show her off proudly: "See how soundly she sleeps." "She's such a good baby. She doesn't fuss much at all."

Well, of course she doesn't. You haven't given her a chance. Enjoy it while you can and rest up - it'll change. And soon.

Sleep deprivation is huge problem for most new mothers and it's sneaky. Even though, ever since the baby's been born, you've been too excited to sleep well (either that or the nurses have been waking you at all hours to check your temperature, pulse, blood pressure and change your IV), you're probably going to walk through your front door and feel suddenly energized. You'll look around at all the preparations you've made for baby's arrival and realize that everything's arranged all wrong and needs to be moved. Now.

Stop. Don't. Take a deep breath, settle the baby in her bassinette - don't forget to swaddle her and keep the binky handy - and put your feet up. Resist the temptation to unpack right away and, whatever you do, do not get a load of laundry started. It's tempting - but resist. Sit and watch your sleeping angel and maybe some of her drowsiness will rub off on you. Probably not, but it's worth a try.

Okay - so it didn't work. There's no way you're going to sleep - not now. You're just too antsy. You've got too much to do, too much on your mind. That'll change. Give it time. Before you know it, your brains will be a scrambled as the rest of ours and you'll be doing good to find matching socks. Don't despair, though. There are a few things you can do to delay the inevitable:

This is what your baby will do the most of. Except, perhaps, at night. During the day, though, she'll sleep through just about everything except feeding time and diaper changes. For that matter, don't be surprised if she tries to go back to sleep in the middle of either of those activities. And, what's really going to amaze and astound you is that the noisier it gets, the sounder she'll sleep. It's normal, though. It seems to be a defensive thing - when it all gets to be a bit much, she'll just tune it out and sleep. It's also normal for you to worry about it: to wake her up to make sure she's sleeping; to stare at her intently until she curls her lip or sucks her tongue or twitches...something - anything; to lay your hand on her just to reassure yourself that she's okay. This problem doesn't seem to happen at night, though - maybe because it's quiet and there's no sensory overload so the baby's actually awake and hungry - from 10 - 10:30. From 12 - 12:30. From 1:30 - 2. From 3 - 4. From 5:30 - 6 - and at this point you'll probably give up and get up yourself. And now she's full and content and sleepy and ready to sleep for more than ninety minutes at a stretch.

Yes - she'll sleep soundly and well. You're going to forget what the insides of your eyelids look like. Take my advice: forget about the laundry and the vacuuming - take a nap!

Arguably the biggest issue for new mothers. Whether you've chosen to breast or bottle feed, this is something both you and your baby have to learn. During your hospital stay, you had the nurses to help make sure you were doing things right and still your baby - tiny to begin with - lost weight. Now you're on your own. How will you know if she's getting enough? Well, if you've chosen to bottle feed, it's fairly easy to keep track of ounces consumed and, as the days go by, you'll notice that she's consuming a little bit more each day and you'll feel reassured.

If you've chosen to breast-feed, however, things get a little more complicated; after all, breasts don't come with ounce markings. Don't panic. There are a number of ways to gauge how much your baby's eating. Your body will tell you when it's time to feed the baby, even if she starts to sleep through a feeding and you've lost track of time. You will also be able to hear her eating. Babies haven't learned table manners yet and have a tendency to slurp, gulp and dribble and the more discreet you try to be, the noisier she'll seem to become.

But...one bit of advice for you: before your milk comes in (usually about the time you go home), you'll save yourself a lot of discomfort (not to mention laundry) if you get used to the idea of wearing a good nursing bra 24-7. It may be irritating at first, but it's more frustrating to wake with heavy, engorged, painful breasts that have been leaking and then having to peel your stiffened nightgown off your nipples while the baby fusses - hungry and impatient - at 3:00 a.m. Your bra is your friend. One more thing, while we're at it. It's important that, whichever breast was the last one used for feeding the baby be the first one used at the next feeding. A lot of people will give you little tricks to remember which is which (it does get confusing after a while) - they'll suggest a safety pin on your bra strap; you'll hear about how you should twist the clasp when you fasten yourself back up; you'll hear them all and yup, I'm about to add one more but this one's the easiest of all: put a ring on your pinky finger and, while you're feeding the baby, switch the ring from one hand to the other. No pins, no fuss and it's something you can do while the baby's eating.

Don't get too attached to those adorable little outfits that people have given you and you've bought for the baby. You probably have drawers full of them and they're so adorable! But...remember dressing baby for the trip home? Well, it's not going to get any easier, not for at least six to eight more years (yes, I said ‘years', not ‘months'). The battles will change but the war will wage ever onward. For right now, make it easy on yourself. Save the sweater sets, bunny suits and jumpers for special outings and remember...visits to the pediatrician aren't special outings; even for doctor's appointments and weight checks you're going to have to undress and then re-dress the baby. All you really need for right now are several pair of little socks and a lot of long nightgowns, the ones with long sleeves that can cuff over her little fists (so she won't scratch that precious little face or gouge her eyes) and with either elastic or a drawstring at the bottom. Still not sure what I'm talking about? Think Popeye...remember Sweetpea? That's what you want. Take my word for it - ready access for your diapering convenience (particularly desirable at 2:00 am) and comfy for your baby. It's a win-win situation.

This week it's not too difficult. Her cord hasn't dried up and fallen off yet so you won't need that little tub...a sponge bath will do nicely. Just gather everything you think you might need (even though you probably won't use it all) and make sure it's within easy reach: alcohol, cotton balls, swabs, a couple of washcloths a basin of warm water (you'll know it's the right temperature if you can put your wrist or elbow into it and not feel anything), baby bath (don't worry about shampoo yet; baby bath works on hair too - if she has any), baby wipes, a fresh diaper (or two) and about four towels - one to bathe her on, one to dry her with, one to finish drying her with after she pees on the first one, and one to wrap her in until she stops crying because she probably won't be particularly thrilled by the experience. Not yet, anyway.

Everyone has their own opinion and everyone is absolutely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their opinion is not only the right opinion but the only opinion. The only sure thing is that if it hasn't happened already, it probably will soon. Somehow her tiny little thumb will find its way into her cherubic little mouth. Or not (some babies don't need anything at all, but best to be prepared). If, and when, it does happen, you'll stand there, awestruck at the wonder of it. Go ahead and exclaim over how sweet she looks - how cute. Call your husband so he can marvel, too. And then, ever so gently, remove the thumb and replace it with the binky. And then, when she spits it out, replace it again. The next time it pops out (because it will), leave it until the thumb wanders back...and then repeat the process. It shouldn't take long and then the binky will become a fixture - at least for now. Babies want to suck instinctively; it soothes them and, therefore, you. You're probably wondering why the binky rather than the thumb, though. Well, it's simple, really. This instinctive need to suck doesn't last more than six or seven months. After that, it's habit and, like most habits, the sooner it's broken, the easier it will be on everyone. Besides, when it comes right down to it, it's a whole lot easier to take away (or mysteriously ‘lose') a binky than a thumb that's permanently attached.

Well, you've made it this far and you're probably starting to feel a little of your confidence returning. It hasn't been that bad a week, now has it? You can handle this. You really can. You'll be an old pro before long. Just hang in there and keep your chin up. It'll get better. And, even if it doesn't, you'll get used to it.