Dedicated to the one and only FD.

I am in love. As far as afflictions go, love is not such a bad one unless of course the object of your affection is a frog. Which unfortunately mine is.

Oh Frog!

Frogs as you know, are slippery little suckers and extremely difficult to pin down - even with nails. I have been trying to catch this frog for a long while now but failure has been my constant companion.

Sadly, my frog is a heart-breaker.

Here is a guide on how to woo frogs in case you should fall prey to this most vile of afflictions. I know many of you are in the same boat or lily-pad as I am, so I hope you find these tips to be helpful.

Frogs love technical talk.

I stumbled upon this fact by chance. One day, I was talking my usual crap about Google AdSense and it seemed to put frog into a semi-hypnotic state.

Before you ask your frog out on a date, make sure you have a good grasp of Google AdSense, Google Analytics, and really just anything Google. Variety is also important, so include Microsoft and Apple products into your repertoire.

Make sure to start working these terms into your normal conversation as soon as you arrive at your date's lily pad. If your frog date seems resistant - then try using more obscure technical terms like CTR, eCPM, SQL, CSS, and ABCs.

In emergency situations, always carry a Unix manual with you. Talk of Korn shell will surely impress any frog - even the ones that play hard to get.

Frogs dislike wasps and zombies.

Before attempting to woo a frog, make friends with all the wasps and zombies in your neighborhood. I know that some neighborhoods may not have these readily available, but if you are truly serious about wooing your frog, then move!

Once you have acquired a large number of zombie and waspy fans place them in strategic positions around your frog's lily-pad. Make sure that they form a net that you can later use to drive your frog into your open arms.

Now remember that both wasps and zombies have their weaknesses. Zombies apparently cannot move very fast and are bad with stealth. Wasps are fast but can easily fall prey to fly swatters, pesticides, and dessert forks.

Make sure your troops are well protected against these weapons.

A good strategy is to always pair several zombies together with a group of wasps. In this way, the zombies can act as shields whenever dessert forks, fly swatters, and pesticides are thrown at you. The wasps can then zoom out from behind the zombies and help corral the frog towards you.

Frogs are afraid of kissing.

You have read the Frog Prince right? You can be sure that every frog and every frog-let has read this wonderful tale as well. In fact, it is in their elementary and high school curriculum.

Do not attempt to kiss your frog on a first date, second date, or really any date. Kissing is not only too personal for frogs, but it can be extremely dangerous to their well being. Make sure to neutralize the possibility of transformation before attempting any type of kiss.

How do you neutralize transformation magic?

Well you will have to read on, won't ya?!

Frogs are extremely dangerous.

Handle your frog date with care.

Aside from their normal weapons such as their sharp tongue, and large brains, they also own a dragon!

Said dragon is extremely possessive of his little frog caretaker and may sometimes breathe on you or simply flick you away like a gnat. Either action will be extremely fatal.

Not for the dragon silly - but for you!

Before storming the frog's lily-pad, bring a few cows with you. Inject the cows with a strong dragon soporific. As you near frog's lily-pad, catapult a few cows over in the dragon's direction and wait for him to take the bait.

Remember to wait!

Dragons are extremely finicky and may not always be hungry for cow. Once you see the dragon swoop in on the cows you may carry on with your regular frog woo-ing activities.

Alcohol and marmalade.

Ok - I saved the best for last so that you lazy people will read the whole article!

Alcohol and marmalade are your most effective weapons against a frog. In addition to cows, bring a few truckloads full of vodka to the lily-pad. Open several bottles beforehand as the smell will be irresistible to your frog.

When you arrive, your frog will be waiting for you. The smell of vodka would have drawn her/him/it out. Quickly present the open bottles to her. Instinct will make her start to drink. The continuous and steady flow of vodka will ultimately render frog unconscious.

Wait! Do not jump in yet and kiss her, you moron!

Did you forget about the transformation neutralizer? ... Idiot!

Well that is what the marmalade is for. Spread marmalade all over your body. Do not leave any spot uncovered. The face and mouth are especially important so apply triple coats if necessary.

Now you are ready. Enjoy!