How to Write A Eulogy - A Mortician's Guide

Many people find delivering a eulogy at the funeral service of a loved one to be very rewarding and meaningful. Finding the courage and determination to present the eulogy is one thing, but the task of actually writing a good eulogy is a challenge in itself.

As a licensed funeral director, I have heard many eulogies over the years, but as a Certified Funeral Celebrant, I have my own experience when it comes to generating an evocative eulogy and communicating it to a room filled with people. I’ve decided to share some eulogy tips, tricks, and fixes that may help if you've taken on the courageous task of creating a eulogy for a funeral or memorial service.

A eulogy is a tribute (either in speech or writing) of a person or thing. Most often, we think of eulogies as being about a recently deceased person and spoken at a funeral service. But whether you hear one at someone's funeral, retirement party, or ceremony of distinction, one thing always remains the same- it's meant to honor the person.

It might seem silly to you, but a lot eulogists forget that very important rule. Lots of them have fallen into the trap of talking about themselves, or worse, speaking ill of the decedent. If, by chance, you find that you can't avoid those serious eulogy pitfalls, maybe someone else should write and deliver the speech :)

But if you are excited to present the amazing life of a recently deceased loved one , read on to learn how to craft a meaningful eulogy!

Let's consider a few things before you actually start writing the eulogy. Keep in mind that it will be easier to deliver the eulogy if you write in a manner that resembles natural speech. This will help everything flow better and reading word-for-word from your text won't sound so choppy and forced.

Try to develop a theme you can use to tie everything together. Maybe you're writing about your grandma who loved gardening. Then you can use a theme like growing, nurturing, labor of love, sunshine, etc. For one eulogy, I used one grandson's story about skipping stones with his grandpa while fishing. I used water ripples as a theme, and how the ripples of grandpa's life radiated outward and affected everyone. Use your imagination and make it meaningful.

Because I’m a mortician and typically don’t know the decedents personally, I have to gather a lot of information from friends and family members. But this practice could help you a lot too.

First, go through the obituary and become acquainted with the facts. You know, important dates, places, family members, clubs, life events. You do want your information to be correct, after all.

Ask a few people who were close to the decedent (including yourself) to write a page or two of thoughts and memories from their loved one’s life. They can approach the assignment as a short story about how he/she affected their lives in positive ways- something they’d want other people to hear at a funeral.

As you read through their stories, compare them to yours. You’ll probably find a running theme you can use to guide your eulogy. For instance, maybe everyone has some sort of special or funny story about grandma playing BINGO. You can use the idea of the game of chance throughout your entire eulogy to tie everything together, and maybe even end with some sort of inspiring phrase- When God called out her numbers, Grandma won the greatest prize of all!

Working in chronological order works best for funeral eulogies, but try not to fall into the trap of sounding like you’re reading an obituary. Save all of the vital stats for the newspaper. It is you - your voice - that is going to be used to pay tribute to your loved one. You need to structure your eulogy in a way that invites the people of the congregation to remember, to laugh, to mourn, and to comfort one another.

Try no to start you eulogy with “I remember…” or “I loved it when…” or anything else that starts with “I”. Remember, it’s not about you :) Try to start your eulogy with a statement that everyone can relate to, like “Everyone in this room knows how much Grandma loved…” or “There’s not a person here that doesn’t recall Grandpa’s deep, raspy laugh.” Those sorts of statements invite everyone in attendance to participate in their own way and make it personal.

Then talk about how your loved one’s childhood molded him/her into the person you all came to know and love. Continue with chronological stories and celebrate the positive aspects of his/her life. Be sure to pepper in some funny stories too. Draw on the ones found in the short essays you have other friends and relatives write. Use your imagination to use the theme and tie everything together. But remember: Less is More. Don't ramble.

After you’ve discussed the aspects of your loved one’s life and shared some fond memories, touch on the significance of his/her death. Mention how difficult grief can be and how you’ll all miss the wonderful things he/she did. This creates an atmosphere conducive to the grieving process. Make it so that everyone feels safe enough to be sad.

End with a grand notion or idea. Usually this is religious, having to do with God or Heaven or eternal painless peace. Other people like to end with the idea that their loved one’s legacy will live on in memories, secret recopies, hidden fishing holes, and the lives of grandchildren. Use whatever is appropriate for you :)

For an excellent resource on creating beautiful eulogies, CLICK HERE. It includes sample eulogies, tips, poems and readings.

If you know how the service is going to run, it’s easier to construct your eulogy accordingly. Let say, for instance, that there will be a very meaningful song that the decedent especially loved played right before you go up to the podium to speak. Do your research on that song. Know the lyrics. Tie some of those lyrics into the beginning of your eulogy somehow to make everything flow easily.

If you now there will be a time for sharing immediately after your eulogy, be sure to use your final words to create an inviting atmosphere that makes people want to share their own special memories. People will feel more comfortable raising their hands for the microphone to be passed around.

If you know there will be a special DVD slideshow tribute before or after your eulogy, mention how the pictures capture the wonderful times in your loved one’s life. You can even make mention about a funny photo or two they saw (or will see) and tie that into the theme of your eulogy.

Sometimes, special poems or verses can portray emotions that regular words cannot. It might help you to deliver a special reading in the middle or at the end of your eulogy.

There are so many funeral-appropriate verses out there, but finding the right one is extremely important for the service. Do you want a poem about undying love? About the eternal peace suffering a courageous battle with disease? A message about the life after life? An uplifting poem about a hero?

For an excellent resource, CLICK HERE for over 250 funeral verses, poems, and readings. You’re sure to find what you need to create a beautiful, memorable eulogy.

Practice speaking your eulogy, practice standing and speaking your eulogy, and practice, practice, practice some more. Now that you are prepared to deliver your speech, be sure to arrive at the funeral home (or wherever the service will be held) about 20 minutes early. Let the funeral director know that you’ll be a speaker for the service and ask to be shown around the chapel area (or wherever you may be speaking).

Acquaint yourself with the sound system (cordless microphone, lapel mic, shouting to be heard, etc.). Ask to have a bottle of water at the podium. You may not think you need it now, but it’s best to be prepared ;)

Make sure that you have a copy of the Order of Service. The presiding minister or funeral director should have a copy for you so you know when it’s your turn to speak. It’s usually a small slip of paper you can fold and keep in your pocket.

*IMPORTANT* Please be sure to have a back-up reader that knows your eulogy in case you can’t make it through the whole thing. This is very important. I’ve seen many a eulogist succumb to the intensity of the funeral emotion and find they are unable to continue (especially if you are standing at a podium next to on open casket). Find someone that doesn’t mind finishing your eulogy if they have to. It could be your spouse, your friend, your son or daughter, your minister, or maybe even a funeral director. It’s always good to be prepared for any situation.

You may have those butterflies in your stomach, but don’t second guess your abilities. Just know that everybody in the room is connected by the same strong tie- love. Nobody is there to judge you, so go out there and do your best!

Since you are familiar with your eulogy, try to look up at the audience from time to time as you speak. If you know the eulogy forwards and backwards, you may even want to take an outline of notes up with you instead. You may refer to the notes a few times, but your speech will come off as more conversational when you look at the audience when you talk.

If you’ve peppered relatives’ special memories into your eulogy, try to acknowledge them as you tell their individual stories. A simple nod in their direction will do. Again, this will help them feel as though they are participating in some way.

If memorial folders were handed out to attendees as they arrived, mention those somewhere in your eulogy also. Something like, “She had a wonderful smile… the same glowing grin you see on the inside of the memorial folders in your hands.” By talking about these very important personalizations, people will be more likely to keep the folders rather than throwing them away as they walk out the funeral home doors.

*INSIDER TIP* To make the service extra special, think about handing out "take-aways" at the end. A craft store is your best friend for this task. Let's say Grandma liked birds. Maybe you can hand everyone a white feather as they exit the service. We've even had a funeral here where the decedent's massive collection of stuffed pigs was divided amongst the attendees. Everyone got a pig and there were still lots left over! Use your imagination for this one ;)

Remove yourself from the podium and take a seat knowing that you’ve done something incredibly special and rewarding for your deceased loved one. Congratulations, I knew you could do it!

I hope you found this quick guide to be helpful as you think about crafting a eulogy for an upcoming service. I wish you the best of luck and a healthy healing process. Just remember, if you have any questions, the funeral director in charge is just a phone call away!

Meet "Emma Balmer" at www.lacynjordan.com