Your wedding vows will be some of the most important words you will ever say to each other. And, as such, they should reflect as much of yourselves as possible. Here is some guidance for writing and saying your own vows, and including readings in your ceremony.

The cynical George Bernard Shaw said of wedding: ‘When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.’

Vows have changed since Shaw’s day, but they are still at the heart of the wedding ceremony – legally and emotionally.

In New Zealand, vows are one of the legal requirements of a wedding ceremony. The Marriage Act (1955) states that the couple should say, ‘I AB, take CD, to be my legal wife or husband; or words to similar effect. ‘This stipulation provides great scope for the couple to write their own vows. Many churches require couples to use vows prescribed by their faith, while others allow more flexibility. While registry office ceremonies have a set format with little room for personal input, civil ceremonies allow for greater choice.

For a civil ceremony, I encourage couples to either write their own vows or select ones that best reflect their beliefs, values, goals and the commitment they’re making. You can ask your celebrant for ideas, but it means so much more to write your own. No one knows your heart better than you do.

In the past most couples gave little thought to their vows. The bride and groom had often booked everything they need for their wedding, but the vows remain unconsidered – a heart-shaped hole in the middle of a long-dreamt-about picture of the wedding day. Every couple should spend at least as much time composing their vows as they do choosing their stationary!

Your celebrant may have a selection of vows from which you can choose. You could use them as a framework or write your own from scratch. Vows should reflect you, your language and your relationship. If your personalities are relaxed and unfussy, your vows should be, too. For others, deeply romantic words appeal.

I knew a  couple who had a love of poetry and used Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnets From The Portuguese (XLIII). The bride’s vows began, ‘How do I love thee?/ Let me count the ways.’ The groom made his vows the second part of the same poem, which starts, ‘I love thee freely, as men strive for right;/I love thee purely, as they turn from praise…’

Books and films can also be sources of inspiration. One bride finished her vows with a quote from her favourite children’s book, Guess How Much I Love You: ‘I love you all the way to the moon and back!’ Another couple included the catchphrase of their much-loved film hero, Buzz Lightyear, ‘To infinity, and beyond!’

Writing vows is a time for you both to do some deep thinking about your relationship, your commitment and how you see your future together. Usually couples do this together, but not always. One couple decided to write their own vows and keep them secret from each other until the day. They each wrote their vows on cards made from their wedding stationery and gave them to me at the rehearsal. As they hadn’t shown them to each other, I didn’t look at them either. It was a beautiful surprise for us all on the day.

I appreciate that sometimes couples want to use humour, but I draw the line at silly vows. Wedding vows should be a sincere declaration, not a comedy routine. However, if the rest of the vows are sincere and heartfelt, vowing to tolerate golf every weekend can reflect your sense of fun.

After your vows, rings are usually exchanged, and another set of vows relating to the rings can be made. Other types of vows can also be included. At one ceremony, the bride and groom made separate pledges to the bride’s daughter to always provide her with a safe and loving home.