How to avoid the divorce option

The specter of divorce haunts many marriages. Couples dread even hearing the word. Just the mention of the word "divorce" often brings with it feelings of failure, rejection and brokenness.Spouses will often make it a point to stress which of them brought up the "D" word. Tammy Wynette's song D-I-V-O-R-C-E struck a chord with many couples in addressing the pain associated with just the meniton of the word.

Some marriage ceremonies now specifically mention divorce, whereas in previous decades such topics were not mentioned in marriage ceremonies. Changes in societal mores, religious values and laws have increased the ease and use of the divorce option. With the increased ease and acceptance of divorce in many communities, dealing with this option and avoiding its execution is a concern. Although preventative measures are always less painful than after the fact, a majority of couples make the mistake of waiting until after the threat of divorce occurs. Rather than perform the routine preventive maintenance on the marriage, many couples focus instead on damage control.

There are some things that can be done to avoid divorce. The most effective ways to avoid divorce are preventative measures. Although the preventative measures are the most effective, they are often ignored. The preventative measures include showing respect, having fun with your spouse, giving them time, fulfilling your marriage oaths and other forms of growing together. The mindset concerning marriage is also important here as well. When marriage is viewed as a contract, then when one party defaults on the contract, the other considers the divorce option. When marriage is viewed as a covenant, the dissolution of the marriage is not a simple change of contract. Since marriage is a relationship based on choice, the rules for how conflicts are handled and resolved are not the same as relationships based on birth.

The preventative measures include maintaining honest and open communication about the various issues of concern. This includes finances, communication, health, extended family, religious beliefs, and attitudes concerning children. Ideally the marriage has with it a mutual commitment to improving each other and a spirit of ‘oneness’ or teamwork. This does not mean that they loose their identities, but rather that they are working together toward some common goals, which are discussed openly. Maintaining this kind of communication requires time, effort and sacrifice. With the increased openness, there are fewer secrets which often undermine the strength of the marriage and create alienation. When loyalties are divided, there is greater room for difficulties within the marriage.

In the event that the preventative measures are not followed, another approach to avoid divorce is ‘crisis management’ or 'damage control. Such measures limit the damage and take steps to avoid letting things worsen. When a couple is in this mode, the divorce option has been threatened or is ‘in play’. When in this mode, although changes happen faster, they are often more difficult and painful to make. Improving communication, safety, and buying off the spouse are some of the actions taken in this mode. Many couple have taken on added debt and the stress that goes with it when attempting to buy peace with their spouse. Houses and automobiles have been purchased in an effort to appease the spouse. Rather than having taken the preventative steps of maintaining open communication on a consistent basis and making time for one’s spouse, they instead are making emergency measures to halt or slow down the road to divorce. When in this mode, the couple may even make radical changes in family relations with the extended family to quell the crisis. These changes may include an increased or decreased amount of contact with the extended family.

Although many measures often occur in the crisis management mode, which involve debt, there are also situations where the spouse begins compromising their values in order to ‘save’ the marriage. Some couples consider threesomes or swapping to head off divorce, whereas others may increase the frequency of church attendance. These changes in values may be either in the direction of increasing or decreasing morals. These kind of forced moral changes are rarely long-term commitments, although some may have long-term damage arising from them. Such measures may purchase some time, but do not improve the commitment that each spouse has to the marriage. When making such forced changes, resentments can build up and the spouse begins feeling used.

Another school of thought on avoiding divorce is that of using legal games. Although divorce begins with emotional separation long before a legal separation occurs. There are some spouses who become very adept at avoiding divorce by refusing to sign divorce papers and using lawyers to interfere with the divorce proceedings. Such actions prevent the legal finalization of divorce, but do little to improve the spirit of the marriage.

The couples that view marriage as a contract have another option. With this contract, like other contracts, there is always room for re-negotiation. Here, the issues of the marriage are viewed in a very business like process. Although such a process may head off the termination of the contract with a divorce, it does little to improve the spirit of the marriage. In such cases, the relationship becomes a business relationship, or “roommates with special privileges”. Such relationships often have limited levels of intimacy and commitment beyond the contractual dealings. Paid sex workers often have business based relationships with clients. The marriage contract mindset applies a business mindset to the marriage itself.