Decoding The Ego - What is it, How Does it Cause Most of Our Problems, and How to Break up this Emotional Monopoly

The subject of arguments is a complex one so I'm going to segment this article into several distinct groups and I'll decode each one, complete with videos to give you ample comprehension of the particular area. This is going to require surgery of your mindset.

We will need to remove, or neutralize the cancer (can't sir?) that's eating away at your ego, causing it to violently defend its life. I believe the surgery will be successful as it has a high success rate, and is completely safe.

As with any good surgery, we won't be removing any vital organs of thought, I will simply show you the cure and leave it up to you the surgeon, to decide if its the best course of action to take for your well being. (scroll to bottom to read my disclaimer)

To back down gracefully from a fight requires awareness, strength of character, and ego control. I'll give you both the solution complete with tricks and procedures so easy a cave man could do it.

The important thing to note is that in any argument no matter how it turns out, a blood stain is left on the impressions of the psyche, and burned into the memory is the animosities generated. To put it bluntly, people forgive but cannot forget.

I will show you just how important this is in becoming the charismatic and amazing individual that is you, after all you're unique and valuable and why would you waste your time delivering your worst when you can enlighten people with your most attractive feature, your character and personality.

Since the ego is the culprit of most arguments that you find yourself wanting to back out of gracefully (or better yet avoid completely) Let's pick apart the ego by examples and what is happening so you can avoid finding yourself in these situations. Just knowing something can help you recognize it when you see it. The problem usually is not realizing what's really happening in the thought process!

When you watch two people who respect each other or at least are always getting along, and one of the parties (not your friend just two people you see i.e. in a class) does something out of character and starts to lose it on the other, you may or may not feel the sting get upset and want to rescue them.

If you try to rescue someone who is suffering the same ego problem/trigger as you have (apparent by your getting upset to an unreasonable degree while witnessing the exchange) you are just going to plant yourself in the garden of hell and will become the new target. It is interesting to note that whatever fights or arguments you find yourself in could be for this very reason. You can't fight wood with fire you'll just escalate the destruction!

Awareness of your own limitations or triggers can take you incredibly far in understanding why you're in this ridiculous fight in the first place.

We teach people how to treat us. One way we do this is by reacting to them. If they call you a jerk and you react negatively, you have taught them that if they want to upset you they can just call you a jerk. What most people don't realize is their acting on autopilot, letting their ego write filter code for them with no rhyme or reason to its method other than that they don't like to feel a certain way.

Unchecked this can cause you to trap yourself. Did you know that for anyone at any time to make you feel mad, happy, sexy, horny, or anything at all, you have to give them explicit permission? Let's take horny for fun, you see a girl who is bam bam bam gorgeous, wearing dam near nothing at all, curves so sexy the air is heating up around her.

Involuntary emotions of getting turned on? Not at all, we can choose to think different thoughts and she becomes different. If for example we know her and know she's very stuck up, mean as hell and uses men and tosses them aside, any man with any self respect will think this is an ugly attitude and she wont appear so sexy anymore. Some men however don't care and still see her as sexy.

You have built a trigger yes even for this kind of activity, and when you see someone who matches your description of sexy probably based on a fantasy you indulged in once, this triggers a program that makes you feel horny, however you wrote that program and most likely are not paying attention, just letting it run at random by a trip wire of stimulation perceptions. Ultimately every thought, emotion, feeling, is under your complete control, if you just take control of your thoughts you control the whole thing.

Problem is most people are running on auto pilot, and for this are confused, or feel helpless or merciless to life's stimulations.. Their common day is hit or miss a mine field of stimulation just walking out of their house. See the picture above and imagine that's you, that would be someone who realizes they are ultimately in control of their emotions and stimulations (by defining them remember?)..

They make no excuses valid or invalid for why they got upset, they instead of reacting to their pain, in a mad scurry to neutralize it, meditate to it and try to define it's reason for happening, why they felt it, what event triggered it. Not blame those who stimulate us but wonder why what they did has stimulated us.

When we take responsibility and learn from those who annoy us, instead of blaming and trying to get revenge in a hopeless attempt to salvage our dignity, we gain a higher awareness, more focused perspective, and we reinforce our self respect and dignity in the process.

The problems come in and we lose our temper because of trying to externalize the blame for our emotions infecting us with negative and unpleasant feelings. This causes "collateral damage" and bad karma not to mention it takes us further away from our goal in the first place which is to feel better.

Most people react to others in some asinine attempt at justice but this act is quite the opposite of justice because it puts us deeper into the hole of irresponsible emotional living. We cause our own pain because we refuse to acknowledge the truth.

Now imagine someone letting go of the controls but the jets are still on holding them up, yet a gust of wind, an unexpected bird in top flight and your knocked out of whack, accelerating you to the earth with a jet sending you down faster than you can even fall down..

You scurry to try to regain control but in your haste your not paying attention to anything but your self, your pain, fear and lack of control.. Your environment suffers until one day you come across someone who is in control and sets you straight, or someone else out of control knocks your block off with a reality check. Moral of the story is, learn to pay attention to why you feel the things you do.

One in control of his emotions, thoughts, and feelings gains incredible control over the ego and self esteem.

The times of blaming others for your anger, happiness, etc.. Are over. Taking responsibility for your feelings says, I feel this way because I choose to, not because some outside force has more control over me than I do over myself. If you don't take responsibility and say for example, "well they called me an as-***** mother-*****, how am I supposed to not get mad about that? I didn't try to feel mad I just did, it was automatic!?"

This is probably the same thing your thinking in a similar situations but realize that the event (external) in this scenario being cussed out, and the event (internal) feeling angry and triggered are not one in the same. The external event is truly benign until YOU DEFINE IT AND GIVE IT VALUE by creating a filter. Filters are created all the time by random events. When we feel hurt we build a filter to react to that hurt so next time we try to avoid it. The trick in that scenario isn't to just not react, if the tripwire is there and the filter is active, just waiting for the right stimulus to set the program of rage into motion, you can't stop it because its in play. But you can change the filter, remove it, change the trigger or reframe the entire process.

I explain reframing below but I'll give you the cliff notes version here. Simply put reframing is the art of changing your definitions of events. If cuss words like MotherF*** or being called a Bit** triggers you then you've programmed those words to mean insult or confrontational action. When those words are said you have different triggers for how their said, tone of voice, direction (at you or about someone else or just said in the moment of dropping a hammer on your toe).

You have to figure out (sometimes his means waiting for the event to happen then taking note of it) what event (being called a b**** to your face) and write it down, decode its power over you, ask questions about it, like Why does this upset me, what does it mean to me? what happened in my past that this word became defined to mean _____x usually insult or confrontation (someone called you a b*** so you felt bad, got mad etc..).

Once you define it you have to cherry pick it using visualization from your mind, then overwrite it with what you would like it to mean, i.e. my trigger for that word makes me laugh, because I'm a guy so how can I be a female dog? Humor is a great trigger because it not only defuses you, it shows the person calling you that that you aren't affected negatively by it, and they realize its not an insulting word hence has no value to them in hurting your feelings.. You actually teach them not to use it because it's useless to do so. Again reframing is explained in detail below with an easy visualization exercise to help you rewrite the code in your mind, and remove it from linking back to your ego.. Some link backs are bad :)

You can only truly win an argument if you enter it with your ego in check, and winning an argument doesn't mean your right their wrong. To win an argument or even to gracefully back down from one you have to generate a win win scenario, a neutral, feeling between you and the other party. Even an agreement to disagree without distain is a win, but only if its truly an agreement not spiteful.

You have to realize WHEN to stop fighting and start being smart about it. To know when to walk away (which is before it gets heated and burns anger into the other person or your self) is the key to salvaging the respect. To know when to be humbled and to allow the other person to feel like their right (if for no other reason than to relax their ego so you can at least be heard).

You have to be strong enough to validate their opinions even if you don't agree with them. By validate I don't mean say you think their right, I mean saying something like, I respect that you feel that way, and you make a lot of good points about it, I can understand how you feel that way, I just don't feel the same and that doesn't make me right and you wrong, it just means we have differing views on the same thing.

If you feel angry watching someone verbally abuse another person it is natural to get upset. It's not that your upset that counts, its HOW UPSET you feel that will give you a lot of information (a red flag not to get involved unless you want to make it YOUR fight).

If you become furious, to the point where you don't even think you just start yelling at the person, or if you feel rage, or disgust as if it were personal to you, not them, then your resonating and something inside you is not harmonious. Since we experience our external world via our internal dialogue and perceptions of our world are filtered through our internal struggle, our outside world is our best clue into our hidden problems, hidden irritations, and why we get upset at another's actions.

Even though their actions aren't ok, realize its not our responsibility to school them on this, its theirs to learn to see it. If your strong inside and see someone acting rudely, and you feel indifferent about it emotionally, meaning you know their acting ridiculous yet it doesn't affect you or anger you, but you do want to help, then you are in a good place to help them, because when and if you do engage them you wont be reflecting back to them the ugliness they see in themselves.

I'm not saying you should engage them, in fact you shouldn't. I I'm finding more than not that its good form and safety to only engage if your asked to, and only if they are receptive to your input not trying to gain your vote.

Being calm and collective and being able to see the real focus not reactions to the anger inside you for whatever similar issues you may have (i.e. someone may be upsetting you and your holding the anger in (lack of forgiveness causes this) when you witness this in others it triggers these feelings and you want to act out on them negatively, or you may feel a need to engage the others doing it to bring justice (by attacking the one you consider the "predator".

This is irrational and ridiculous to actually express for it really has nothing to do with you and them or the "predator" it has everything to do with learning to control yourself and deal with that anger (by learning to forgive you dissolve it, more on that later I will say that their is tremendous power in forgiveness, for one it avoids situations like this where your a trigger happy resonator of others actions).

Allow me to demonstrate a kind of self control that shows you how one would engage a rage-ful person tactfully and without reacting to his anger (again because you do not have this kind of anger inside you brewing especially if you always forgive people for their mistakes and actions, forgiveness frees you not them from pain and animosity. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person your forgiving; it has everything to do with forgiving yourself for letting them have that control over you. You do not need to have their permission to forgive you, nor do they even have to know you forgave them for it to be effective (source Dr. Phil "Life Strategies" Life law number eight)

The following video will show you just how confident it would make you, how powerful your disposition looks and feels (to others too) and how not reacting to the assailant gives you incredible focus and strength. I turn your attention to a video clip below of Eddie Murphy on "Coming to America" where he came face to face with a robber at McDowell's.

Notice his posture, his patience, and his incredible control over his ego (and reactive mind along with it)

you must realize why you are resonating to someone else's problem.. This is a clue into one of your hidden triggers and you should deal with it before you even attempt to rescue the victim or even get involved, what will happen if you do is you and the other person that is yelling at the victim will turn on you as they will easily recognize the similarity of your ego trigger (its like they can smell it because its the same) and what will ensue is an argument of ego's that won't find a winner but you will end up in a heated maybe even physical confrontation your not ready for. Take it for something you can use, information.

Number two if you don't feel angry watching this, then you don't share this experience (whew) and you can objectively see what happened and what the one person did to trigger the other. Wouldn't it be nice if you could do this with your own problems with ego driven arguments? you can. How? Simple.

Miagi said it best.- "Best defense, No be there. Iyee" If you get upset at their anger realize that you probably have something inside you that's similar to their hang-up, so don't provoke it. It may very well be that they saw it even if you don't realize it yourself, and that's what caused the tantrum. Chalk this up to a clue, a lesson about yourself and don't react to them. Your not ready to, it will only cause an ego fight too that cannot be won until one of you is fixed so to speak. (The magic formula is within this document don't worry)

First hard lesson you need to learn is don't react. Take it as a completely educational event (hard but you can learn not to react I'll show you how in reframing (<---the magic cure) lessons at the end of this article). Secondly, if you feel an anger stirring up, you have to stop it from boiling over, you can't ignore it however. You have to reframe it, rename it, and change its very meaning.

This is not a quick fix, this you have to practice but it's not a hard thing to learn just hard to put into motion the first few times. Once it works you will be motivated to continue doing it, and you'll be amazed at how its YOU not THEM that are in control of YOUR anger. You actually have to give someone permission to upset you. It may seem random and stimulated but realize that's only because your leaving the permission giving to your ego (remember you gave it power of attorney earlier like a dunce? now we have to revoke that document and take back your control of your emotions, thoughts, and actions).

You can't simply relinquish responsibility for your anger to their ridiculous actions either. They have to take responsibility for their actions but so do you for your Reactions. Remember I said its under your control? Well reacting is not control its lack of it. NON reaction is actually an action that you know will dissolve the confrontation. If you're in a cage with a lion and you realize if you react in any way, eyes, body language, even breathing too loud that he will eat you or attack you, what do you do? You freeze up right? Well realize that this persons that tiger and until you react they are just standing there growling at you, waiting for you to dare to make a move and validate their claims to owning your reactions.. Don't do it.. You never know the life you save it could be your own? Remember that quote? Well in saving them from their own torture, having strength of conviction, humility, you save them and yourself because reacting will only escalate an already ridiculous fight right?

You have to train yourself not to react, the same way you trained yourself not to punch people in the nose when they piss you off. Reacting in a negative way escalates the problem, while not reacting diffuses it. Realize that any action you take regardless of whose fault it is, theirs for stimulating you or yours for not biting your tongue thinking, "but I have to stand up for myself" your saying right? What better way to respect yourself than to stop yourself from being further annoyed or backslapped for agitating them more? Stop thinking about it like you did in high school.

You don't have to save face, your an adult, saving face is not escalating a fight, or giving them the satisfaction of stirring you up! By biting your tongue your taking an active step (trust me its harder and takes more courage to bite your tongue than to just react to them, the stronger person can walk away, the weaker one has to fight). Also be the compassionate person you want to be, and think of this as not an opportunity to get angry, but an opportunity to help them heal. This attitude is but a symbol of their outward expression of pain or frustration about something, its rarely personal.

A lot of ego's are charged with really bad triggers or filters based on fear of being hurt, anger and animosity in their life or sadness or anger of not being happy with the direction of their life. As a defense mechanisms when we don't want to get hurt we create a "wall" as its called on the street, but its really a filter we set up with a trip wire attached to our ego. When someone displays predefined personality traits, or any of the concepts in our filter it activates our ego and plays out a program the ego uses (Shifting internal dialogue script) to manipulate your emotions and thoughts to go into military protection mode to avoid "an incident" like the last time.

The next time someone attacks you in what you perceive as an unjust way, think about that paragraph above this one, and realize IT MAY NOT EVEN BE YOU THEIR YELLING AT BUT YOUR ACTIONS THAT APPEAR SIMULAR TO SOMEONE WHO HURT THEM

Sorry about the caps there but that line is important to memorize as this is the misunderstood action of the millennium, if you just realized that this happens more than you realize even in your own actions towards others, you will be more patient, not feel so offended you HAVE to react (which causes the real problem!). What I think eludes most people is that the way one acts towards you and the way they see you aren't always in alignment. They may love you to death but when you do something that reminds them of a past fear or pain they may react without thinking about it (the cure to not offending people is to practice thinking before you act/speak) based on a subconscious trip wire. Their behavior is akin to poking your finger with a staple accidentally so hard that it punctures the finger (ouch) and you blurt out MotherF-... offensive? Yes, meant to be offensive? no. Does it go any further if no one mentions it or reacts to it? no.

This isn't every time but sometimes, actually alot of the time, when someone loses it on you in an emotional shock wave, totally unexpected and seemingly irrational, this is a trip wire case and to avoid ANY problems you simply need to control your reactions. I mean facial expressions, looks, eye contact, verbal inflections (like saying what with a high note at the end), communication of ANY kind like "what the hell was that man?". I mean you freeze up like the kid in that picture 4 paragraphs up the page, a deer in the headlights, but don't look surprised, don't show any sign of shock.. Just pretend it didn't happen. This gauges the seriousness of the action. If you react it could escalate and cause an argument. Their may be no need, your not reacting will give them insight.. Whoa did I just lose it? why? then they will apologize out of feeling stupid for being mean to you.

if they continue to go off and your not doing anything to provoke it, no body language clues, no look out of the natural, nothing (realize egocentric temperaments make people Hypersensitive to body language.. its like their really waiting for you to give them permission to "vent".

Chances are they may really be mad at you (sorry). but you can still fix this, so long as you show remorse, and humbleness, you don't have to be right, you don't have to get mad, it is fully within your power to forgive, and trust me its more taxing to try to defend your honor, and dignity, especially when its not you their really hitting. Did I just contradict myself there?

No, thing is they could be mad at you, but its just a possible projection of other things. You did something maybe but nothing that drastic that warranted this kind of verbal beating, so your little thing was the trigger and (s)he may have just decided to empty her basket on you (and don't get mad at even this because if your a true friend you will realize that this will help her get it out of her system, when she's empty of all that baggage, if you still have your self esteem, lol, she will enter a new realm of being, a liberated side of her soul will emerge and she will realize that she just verbally back handed you and you didn't so much as look mad at her.. what an amazing person you are! she will apologize and take you out to lunch (to ease her guilt)..

May an innocent victim is punished because of this automation of ego and filter building, but the victim that's hit the hardest is YOU, as you strike out not really knowing why other than they "made you mad?" and you forge animosities with would be good friends because you aren't controlling your temper your allowing your ego full power of attorney over your thoughts and life (what were you thinking?)

What sucks is that the other person who tripped this alarm may have had absolutely no intentions, no ill will, or even any real world reason you to be worried about him/her but because you have recorded the last persons perceived "flaws" or moves that landed the chain reaction to hell for you, you mistakenly flag a normally benign movement, attitude, or even speech pattern, as dangerous and become irrationally upset with them.

Some people I like to call "eggshell walking stimulators" are walking time bombs and its apparent by their lack of patience, rude disposition and highly judgmental and complaining disposition. They often claim dominance over their life when in reality they have no control at all (usually if you do you don't feel the need to advertise it, confidence requires NO validation). These people are the toughest to deal with, and conversations with them must be handled carefully, for yours AND their sake. The quote "forgive them father, they know not what they do" comes to mind as the after math of a general or overestimation of their hair trigger personality.

I've known people who were apparently the happiest person in the world, so optimistic and bubbly, very lovely to know- at work. You see environment contains trigger macros. When you're at work for example you have to for the sake of keeping your job, put your ego into serious check especially if you're a strong personality. But catch these butterfly's at their home turf and you'll find out real quick what they will not tolerate. Its like watching a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment.. Never underestimate people, most people hide their pent up emotions, but if you trigger a filter even by mistake its like watching one of those guys on Stargate SG1 the guayules with their glowing eyes.. One moment you think your talking to a human being no different than you, then the next their eyes glow and you realize your in imminent danger!

Being aware of your own ego and its hold on you is as simple as taking constant inventory of how you feel (why did I get mad? What is it they said or did that upset me? Why do I feel mad at them and they didn't even say anything mean? Why am I being so sensitive? And so on.

Sounds simple right? It's far from it unless you're used to doing it, I personally have a trigger set up that forces me to question any negative emotions that runs through me, and it took years to really make this a habit. One way this happens easily is by being optimistic all the time. Negative emotions become red flags simply because their alien to my normal mood.

Think of it this way also, breathing. Until just now my mentioning it (can you feel your breathing? How fast are you breathing? How fast is your heart beating right now?) You probably weren't paying attention, yet you're breathing regardless of it, and if a foul smell entered the room your breathing would also become apparent as you instinctively hold your breath as to limit the rank odors affect on you. The ego works a lot like this, in that until its fully emerged into a heated battle your not aware its there at all, but it is, 24-7.

The problem is most people's ego is stimulated gradually based on their tolerance of others. Some (like the guy in the Eggo video below) are highly intolerable and don't even think before they do irrational things to protect it, and even show no remorse for their actions. They justify their anger and move on..

Emotions are both controlled by the ego and are the bridge between your mind state and your ego's interaction with the physical world (or mental though the internet still considered physical as its dynamic and live). When you're unstable emotionally as most of us are at one time or another unless everything is going harmoniously which usually not every thing is, your ego becomes a hair trigger that hides like a Viet-Nam war mine tripped by walking into an invisible fishing line wire. When that wire is tripped all hell breaks loose and you don't know its happening until you find yourself knee deep in a fight with someone.

If you've mastered to some degree your emotions, you may recover in the middle when you start to feel your conscience as the other person, whom might be a good friend, starts to show distain for your ridiculously out of line actions and words.. if this is you then you are probably wondering how to get out of this and reset. You may try saying I'm sorry, my bad, can we start over, only to find out that that's not an option. Your friend has been tripped; his/her ego set on fire and your not getting away with making them lose their cool. What do? All hope is not lost my friend.

This hub is for you, and when you realize just how simple the solution is (although not simply explained very simply executed (although practice is essential and discipline in part needs to be exercised to comprehend the structure). Realize if you don't know how to get out of this battle, then you need to accept that something outside the box may be necessary; a change in how you think may be in order.

For if you do everything you've always done, nothing will change, and nothing "easy and within your comfort zone" may work. The good news is if I've done my job right here I will explain it in a way that you will not only get it but the only discomfort you will feel is in grasping that you may not have been approaching people with the right attitude, hence ironically if your ego gets in the way of change.. this article won't do you a dam bit of good.

The slightest disharmony with your personality or mood can cause it to take over your emotions, your thought processes and ultimately these are what's controlling your moods and body movements. I want to not only show you how to back down from a fight gracefully but to become fully aware of what happened, why it happened, how getting out is not as important as getting out gracefully, what gracefully means and I want you to leave this page with a new concept in self control and ability to really forge amazing relationships better than you ever did before.

You may be a bubbly fun loving type and I'm sure everyone reading this is, however I'm hoping to add a few more bubbles to your carbonation to give your impact on others that NOS boost that really makes you bullet proof in their eyes. By bullet proof I mean your emotional bank account has so much currency in it you could probably slap them in the face for no reason other than they were there and you needed to hit something, and they wouldn't react in any other way than to say.. wow what's eating at you, can I help? Well maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, I mean why would you slap them in the face *grin*.

The truth is the value a person has set for you determines:

• 1. If you could even "gracefully" back out of a fight
• 2. how much you can throw at them without making them mad
• 3. the level of respect they give your opinions
• 4. if schooling them is acceptable behavior or an irritation
• 5. if you can slap them in the face for no reason and they wont get mad but want to help you not feel such anger, which of course in their eyes is "not like you"
• 6. if your even allowed in their "world"
• 7. How they see you and your actions: for example you could piss them off royally when you first meet them (like I did this one girl on the forum here) and since your balance was at zero, well if their ego is out of control everyone starts at -50 or so.. so you have to earn your way to zero :) and they will never not only give you any opportunity to make any deposits, but they will see your very effort of trying no matter how humble how nice or how genuinely as a withdraw, call you a stalker, and they will send an army of negative thoughts about you to the universe hoping you slip on a banana peel and fall so hard the doctors have to peel skin off your butt to reconstruct your face.
• 8. Much much more... But I think you get the point.

I am going to attempt to show you what happens in a fight that traps you in it. I will also show you how to avoid the fight in the first place by opening up your awareness about several key components of debate that more often than not turn into a heated battle to which their is no safe retreat.. Well not unless you understand a few underlying principals in psychology, the ego, and love.

The biggest contributor to the fight is the ego so most of this article will focus on that aspect. Once you put your ego in check you will find that most of your arguments both coming from you (your fault) and happening to you (others stepping on YOUR ego) will no longer happen, and in fact you will find people adore you more because you activate certain laws of nature and psychology that ultimately give you full power over your universe and allow you to help others feel peace when around you.

In writing this article I have found some really incredible videos which I've laced into the page at appropriate points, that will not only reinforce what I will explain here, but they will blow your frikken mind, trust me! I expect your day to significantly improve as you open up your mind to an amazing world that you may have never really knew how to access. I knew all about things like the ego and yet I myself learned a lot just researching and writing this, the learning curve for me was in the amazing videos on this page.

Let us dive into the ego and I'll explain how this all ties together. I know the title of this article is how to back down, but I'm going to show you not only how to back down should you find yourself knee deep into a pointless but escalatingly violent verbal or mental battle of whose right and whose wrong.

I'm going to show you principals that if you follow them and remember them you will be unlikely to find yourself defending yourself during an argument, but before it even has a chance to plant the sead of distain, anger, anymosity and others that can stain the fight even if its resolved. People often will forgive (well nto often but you get my point) but rarely ever forget if at all. By avoiding the heated battle all together you build amazingly close relationships because of rapport, but you also DONT engage in anything that will as I call it "Break the glass of the relationship"

I want to interject that point real quick as its an important thing to think about if you feel yourself getting defensive towards someone. When you get into any relationship their is alot going on in the emotional bank account. You make deposits or withdraws when you interact or if they percieve your not interacting with them. When you contribute to the relationship, your making a deposit, this means you have more value or in video game terms you get an extra man.

If you do something "Percieved" as bad (I say perceived because regardless of how you meant it its the other persons perception that counts not your intention) you are then making a withdraw. Think of this like a real bank and your friend/relationship is the bank owner. When you set up an account it is usually required that you deposit something. An act of faith, a gesture, a smile, it doesnt matter.. you in life must give THEN recieve. The more you do that is percieved as nice, good or valuable to them, the more deposits your making into their emotional bank account. Small or large depends on how much value and emotion they give to the act.

If you start a relationship out negitively you are already in the red and your bank account usually gets closed and your sent to check systems, ;)

You always want to start out with a positive balance, not just a zero. I'll tell you why. Buffer. If you make a mistake in their eyes and you have a balance this mistake is forgiven but only as much as you have in your account. Trust is earned because it is expensive and trust earns the most intrest (I love this metaphore stream lol).

When we see a girl we like we deposit like crazy to try to get our balance up there, sometimes we act to eagerly and our account gets shut down before we even make one deposit. You have to depisit while the bank is open, you cannot break the glass or pry the lock open and break in to make your deposit. Timing is everything, so make sure their "open" sign is up.

When I think about the ego ironically I think about the old Eggo Commercials back in the day. You remember them right? it was all about everyone wanting the Eggo and unwilling to share..

I find it mildly disturbing that the Eggo commercials and the characteristics of the Ego Driven argument are uncanningly similar. I would even go so far as to say that this is no accident, as Eggo and ego are but one g away from being the same word,.Some cleaver marketer said hmm how can we market this thing so EVERYONE will remember it?

Johnny corporate slogan writer raises his hand, "I know I know, we can appeal to the ego", its almost spelled the same and everyone experiences this, we'll link the ego and the selfishness together and people will remember the term "Leggo My Eggo" forever (I never forgot that term).

Another reason I mention this is that commercials like this were designed to inhibit the sharing mentality as a way to sell more product, but this translated into a slogan so funny people quite literally started to tell their friends "get your own box/bag" .

I kid you not, my friends did this alot and to get a good laugh I did it too, and an egocintric personality sweapt the nation infecting the impressionable minds of every man woman and child who didnt have their ego in check. I know this didnt start the trend but it highlighted it and bullies saw opportunity to get a laugh at their peers expence. I am trying if you will to highlight the impressionable nature of the ego here.

I believe understanding the ego can give you amazing insight into controlling yours, thus controlling your ability to not get into or if you find yourself into one, to give you the strength and awareness to get yourself out of, an argument, gracefully. Gracefully means you exit the fight without damaging either you or the other person in the process. A win win senario.

The ego is a sensitive creature, driven by something as simple as a commercial or as complex as desire and jealousey (self love in the negitive sense I once read a fortune cookie that said "Jealousey is more self love than love").

so people become selfish with their "eggos" or in the old Ruffles with ridges commercials "Get your own bag" predominantly displayed the slogan on the bag, and this was followed by Cheese it brand crackers "Get your own box" (are these the same company? hmm)

Some of the commercials actually would show people going to great (and funny) lengths to steal the Eggo! They would trick the person into thinking they had their best interests at heart, then when they left the room (like one was hey ed Mcman is at the door with the prize patrol he says you won!) they'd steal the famous Eggo waffle.

It never hit me just how much this commercial was a subliminal message about the real ego and how people often protect it like it was elusive to get. People do this with the ego. The feel threatened when someone else wants to take the pride for something, or when someone appears to be acting like they know it all and so forth. Irrationally they fight to protect their pride but don't realize that in the fight they lose control of their rational side and cause many bad things to manifest, in turn causing bad karma, hurt feelings, and the thirst of the ego is never satisfied no matter how much collateral damage it inflicts. It's like the devil on your shoulder giving you bad advice!

Don't get me wrong, the ego is not a bad thing by design, although it's often stimulated for the wrong reasons and causes an amazing assortment of rediculous ranting, arguments, iinstigations, and for the person, public embarrassment. The ego being in full control of the emotions and thought processes (if we turn over power of attorney to it by not fighting its control over us) can ruin us, embarrass us, and make us ugly beyond words.

I've seen some of the worlds most attractive people instantly become the ugliest thing I've ever seen (and I've seen "the hostel" movie lol) as soon as they open their mouth and allow ignorance to part from their lips.

An over inflated ego is apparent in your writing, speach, tone of voice, and inability to forgive for the slightest percieved "infractions". This causes not only bad feelings in others who actually try to maturely appoligise to you for their part in insulting you, but propigates and maintains a stigma of negitive overtones associated to you and everything that reminds them of you.

The ego is what shows us our importance, our difference from the rest of the world, but the ego has one dangerous access point that makes it so important to have control of its functions in your daily life.

In our forum here on HubPages.com we have one specific "girl" I can't call her a woman since she hasnt reached maturity yet, who seems to thrive on her ego and not much else, and although her hubs and information is of top notch quality, her interactions with people seem to suffer. People don't respect her so much as they don't want to have to go toe to toe with her Dr Jekel side, This side prominant, mostly in the hubbers hangout forum, is not only irrational, inhumane and rediculousely vain, but unyeilding and just plain ugly. Her ego has made her, a normally beautiful girl on the outside, appear as ugly as negitivity is in men's souls.

I mention this, the thorn in my side, because it shows how the ego can turn a person with some amazing gifts for singing, writing books, dancing, and other challenging artistic expressions, into someone who's temperment reeks of arrogance and hypocracy. What we must first realize is that the ego can make someone appear different than they are inside. Someone who otherwise unprovoked (by provoked I mean in their defintion of irritation not someone purposefully provoking them) would be a compelte sweetheart, driven by the ego and bad filters, painful past, and overly reinforced walls between themselves and the world, can appear to be the ugliest person anyone's ever seen.

What makes an ecocentric person really bad is their highly judgemental and inappropriate views on others causes her to become unforgiving, and closed minded. This can lead to missed opportunities and ignorance of what is truly transpiring in her world. Someone with no control over their ego is often lacking true self esteem and uses the ego to compensate for this by attacking others without due cause.

According to the dictionary, In psychoanalysis the ego is the division of the psyche that is conciousm MOST IMMEDIATELY controls thought and Behavior and is the most in touch with external reality.

This means that if left unchecked the ego can cause you to lose your cool, to say and do things that arent constructive or based on reason (like fighting just to be right even if your aware that your wrong!). In most arguments it's the Ego that needs attention, not the subject matter.

Dictionary.com's Definition:

e·go (ē'gō, ěg'ō)n. pl.

• 1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
• 2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
• 3. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
• 4. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.

[New Latin, from Latin, I; see eg in Indo-European roots. Sense 2, translation of German Ich, a special use of ich, I, as a psychoanalytic term.]

-or- (as it's Relevance in this hub)

ego

noun1. an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others 2. your consciousness of your own identity 3. (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind

The problem with most arguments are they are based not on content of the debate, their based on ego. As long as the ego is fighting the battle the arguments will not only go nowhere good, it will never end on good terms if it ends at all.

If you want to back down gracefully in an argument you have to realize that you are a part of the problem and you too are contributing to the other persons rage. The easiest way to back down gracefully is to stop adding coals to the already hot burning fire, and start letting the ones in there burn down. Taking responsibility for being a part in the fight is key to removing yourself from the fight, for as long as your blaming the other person for being thick headed, argumentative or anything else you will only provoke them.

I've been in many a heated battle in my youth, and what I realized later in life is someone has to take the hit to their ego if their is going to be a calm solution and ending of the madness. Ironically taking this hit will resolve itself later when the person appeals to YOUR ego in reciprocation!!! so its an initial investment not giving in. Life is about perception and often the truth is elusive. Most of my hubs are about unlocking those elusive nuggets that elude most people due to the status quo being mostly bullshit.

I learned that I could always control the battle's theme by just acting and removing ego from the equation. Some arguments are about being right. No one likes to be proven wrong and they get offended if you try. What you must realize though is that being right has absolutely no real value other than petting your ego. However, petting their ego through simple diplomacy is a tremendous investment in getting YOUR point into the other persons reality where it will at the very least be seen as a potentially valid point. It's not about who's right or wrong, debate is about expressing all the evidence and opinions , into the open between both your egos, and together shaping these thought forms into valid and invalid points.

The goal is enlighenment, not egotistical reprise. If people just leave their ego at the door, retain the definition of their goal, and use alittle intelligence, they would experience:

• Less anger and arguments
• Aha Moments
• Friendship not competition
• Love
• Growth
• new keywords/concepts to look up in their favorite subjects
• deeper meaning to things they love and definiton of things they dont understand fully
• enlightenment in its purest form
• Less frustration with people, also known as learning "tollerance"
• The rush you feel when someone validates your opinions
• Receptiveness from others which translates into acknowledgement one of the 10 major things every person strives for in their life
• open mindedness, seeing things they would have missed had they kept their rigid views and not allowed new possibly valuable information in
• more friends and people who respect them highly
• money from writing hub pages because they speak more from understanding than ego driven opinionated rantings :) *wink*
• much much more...

Realize if you cant back down, and be the better person, the stronger person, putting your own ego in check and realizing you don't need their permission to feel the way you do, and you don't need to validate THEIR views to them, then you are out of control, and are being controlled by them, the argument, and your own ego is taking over your mindset.

I find it very good form to constantly validate their good views that you are in harmony with, and to let them know how much you respect them. In conversations I often say, wow your pretty smart, I really love the way you think! (When someone feels validated this way they usually want to reciprocate that respect, its the law of reciprocation..)

Those monks that pass out flowers at the airport do so because it gives you a reason to reciprocate. the flower is a free gift (not so free really) but it triggers the law of reciprocation and you feel you need to listen to their views. This is why most people wont take the flower, the free newspaper from the kid trying to sign you up to the subscription even though he says this is a free paper.. walking away makes you feel guilty.

Even the daisy they hand you that they picked free outside, and that has absolutely no real perceived value (because after all you can just go outside and pick one yourself without any obligations) becomes valuable as a potential threat, so when you don't want to hear their opinions you can't even keep the flower without it impacting you to feel guilty..

Simple things said consistently (if meant) can really help them become receptive to your views even if their not their own. Compliments are incredible as everyone is on a mission to be acknowledged and very rarely gets this. You ever notice how people who talk to you with affirmations like "Hun, hunny, sweetie, babe, sweetheart, and so on feel like great people? I notice women have an easier time saying these to people, but I've known guys who could pull it off too. When you say thanks hun, or thank you sweet heart, or what did you say sweetie? Your instantly complimenting them as being sweet, (hun is another version of sweet), and it opens them up to anything you say after that!

It's an amazing tactic of charisma, because it shows people you care, even if sweetheart is just your normal thing to say people receive it as validation of who they are!

It's like in a check out line when (if your a cashier) the customer says "how are you today!?" whatever you say is not seen as how YOUR doing it's seen as how THEIR doing. Its interesting how I discovered this, I was cashiering at Wal-Mart and the store I worked in was horrendous full of negativity and sadness. I was in a good store in Roseville, ca but had to move and ended up in the elk grove store where ghetto was an understatement.

My days were often laced with negativity and I found out that if someone asks you how are you and you tell them the truth (if you feel bad), they clam up as if you just insulted them. People say, even if their day really sucks "Good how are you?" but what's fascinating is this is both the answer to their question and a command to their subconscious stating they are doing good also. The ego is one interesting and counter intuitive beast let me tell you. Understanding how to keep it from surfacing like a bully is the trick to avoiding arguments, but in the heat of the battle stroking the ego is the easiest way to put it away, and re-immerge the person you were talking to :)

If you use some of the techniques I listed above you can do so without saying that YOU are wrong if THEY are right, but how they feel about it is how they will react.. Perception is truly the only reality, so realize that if you're in an argument it means your attacking their perception of reality and need to back away and reinforce that you may have a different reality but you respect theirs.

One way to gracefully back out of an argument is to let them think you think their right. Be humble. You do not need their permission to feel right; you don't have to plead your case to them to be right. The irony is you never will in their eyes be right so why are you trying so hard? even if you sarcastically say your right, whatever.. They may possibly walk away mumbling your dam right I am, they still believe your wrong and their right. The other thing to note is that if you are tired of arguing with them just change your posture, your facial expressions, find a point that seems relevant (to them) and this isn't hard because they often drive their point home. Take that as an exit strategy. You can quietly know your right but make them think their right too (win win).

Take the point that you realize will make them feel you understand them, and say you know what (you must follow this with body language so they don't think your patronizing them, if you mess this up you wont even be able to use this tactic later!!!) I think your right, then start repeating their points back to them (mirroring) what's interesting is your telling them what they just said and their rage and ego is so fired up they don't even remember ALL of what points they made to you so doing this you will make them believe that your on their side (finally). The will feel right, and the argument will subdue.

Realizing that you're not wrong because you agreeing verbally with them is an enlightened way to think. You shouldn't need validation to feel right, and this is what alot of fights are about. If you can understand this you will be able to not only stay out of ridiculous fights (by not challenging their views in the first place) and you will be the one who can back down gracefully. In 99% of the battles I've been in with others that I realized were never going to go anywhere, especially between two dominant types, appealing to the other persons ego has been the most successful way out, while giving them the opportunity to save face.

Some people realize at some point, maybe you made alot of valid points even to them, that they are wrong, but are embarrassed and feel weak by admitting their wrong, so by allowing them to save face, your being a good friend. If they know their wrong this wont change their mind, but it gives them an opportunity to not feel stupid for challenging the truth. What you'll find and I really love this part, is that later when they are relaxed more, they will come up to you and say hey remember that discussion we had (they will call it this as opposed to that fight because of how it ended)? yea.. Well I realized later that I was wrong you were right, and then they will explain themselves. But I appreciate your candor.

I've learned to leave the ego at the door when I find myself in a battle of opinions and facts. I don't need validation to feel good about myself and maybe they do so I can humbly give them the gift of being right, the only exception is if they are saying something that could harm them. In those cases I defuse the fight by doing some research and showing them their wrong (maybe some graphic pictures to give them insight?). Remember most fights escalate because the other person needs validation and will fight to get it, if you can remove your needs, your ego rather, you will find that control to any fight is in not stimulating the other person. Ignoring them is a form of stimulation in a heated argument. It's seen as you thinking your right.

Take the graceful "dive" and start to appeal to their ego and the fight will fizzle. Fighting their views is the best way to lose the battle. Validate their views as being good points (not necessarily correct but this feels to them as validation) will make them receptive to YOUR points too. It's when you're stating "I'm right and your wrong" that the fight continues. If you make it a point to share your views as a "potentially" correct view (but not the only view as theirs may be included) then allow them to explain theirs you open the doors to compromise. If you believe their wrong and your right, you must realize that to get your point across you must be diplomatic and open to their opinions as much as you want them to be open to yours.

Diplomacy: To get someone to do what you want, but make them think it was THEIR idea.

In hearing their views AND validating them as good points, your recognizing their ability to make good points. Points aren't facts their just potentials. In most discussions everything your saying is open for debate but the second you tell them they are wrong the debate ends and the argument begins, the ego takes over and nothing valuable can be exchanged.

If you validate their "claims" they are more receptive to hearing your side. One way of doing this is saying "That's a good point, I see where your coming from, may I tell you my views?" this acquires their permission to hear what you have to say, and your saying "my views" not "this is fact". By acquiring their consent to state your views, they become more of a listener not trying to fight you to be right.

When you tell them your views, watch their body language. If they seem to be in disagreement, tag this at the end of the viewpoint: "but that's just my opinion, I could be wrong". Even if you know your right absolutely realize they man not have the benefit of your research or validation of the information, so at this point its ONLY your opinion, so don't try to force them to agree with you, allow them to see both sides. They will if receptive to your views by your manner in selling your point, go research it to find out more. At the very least your views being YOUR and not challenging theirs may make them rethink their information, and at no time did they have to challenge you.

If they do challenge you bluntly, tell you your full of shit, or anything like that, say something like "I could very well be (validates their ego), but I'm just telling you what I heard (heard is better than what I "know" as this triggers weak ego's into thinking your challenging their information)

The tactic before an argument of using diplomacy will dissolve misunderstandings and dissolve the potential of a fight because your not going to be challenging them, just informing them of your views, but making sure they know their just yours not fact. This tactic works well in the heat of the battle too because you humbling yourself to them is not a sign of weakness but of intelligence and strength. When you restate your views as just yours and not fact, your defusing the bomb, and making them more receptive to your side.

You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. If you keep the discussion as strictly information not facts you allow them to feel like their learning another viewpoint, without stepping on their ego. When they are in this mode they don't have any walls up for protection, they are actually absorbing the ideas your stating and whatever appeals to them they will ask about, what doesn't i.e. it goes against their personal belief or opinion about the matter, is just to them bad information, and they will discuss it with you. The trick is to make it clear that what you're saying is just your views and that your views can change to theirs if they prove you wrong. Always make it clear that you enjoy listening to their points (this doesn't mean you believe or accept them just like hearing them, but to them this presupposes that you enjoy their information as fact).

I hope you found this hub informitive, your feebacks are always welcome and appreciated.. Below is my disclaimer and my way of showing I care about your well being. Thank you fore taking the time to read my article and watch the amazing videos I found.

-Jerrico

No matter how well written the information is, or how insightful it appears always question the material!

Test it in your life before accepting it as fact, never take one doctors opinion as the end all facts, he is after all just someone who took classes memorized a bunch of complex material and is giving you his opinion based on that and his experience, for all you know he barely passed medical school with a "D" average, unfortunately doctors grades don't determine their diploma other than pass or fail! I'm not saying all doctors are incompetent just use your head, take in new material but don't count it as fact until in your life, it works.

That said I'm no doctor, I carry no degree in psychology (although I have studied the subject tirelessly) and my article is based on research and experience as well. I hope it serves you but I make no guarantees. It worked for me and I believe it will for you too.

I have no problem with you getting a second opinion on this either; in fact I encourage you to do so (I have no ridiculous ego scripting that dictates I know everything and am the know all end all of this concept but I do enjoy sharing what has saved me tremendous frustration, friends, relationships and my very livelihood). I've included video's that will give you another person's take on the same information to get you started.

Keep in mind that even if information sounds great and is insight full ALWAYS question. The very seeds of life are answered in questions, take nothing for granted, or anyone's word for anything, test the information if it works integrate it, if it doesn't move on and find a better source, even if it means my article is such an article. Have a wonderful day and if this helped you I'd love to hear your stories! you can use the feedback box below for that or to aks questions. I check it every day several times a day.

Thank you!