My baby girl and I were taking a walk to the store today to pick up some vegetables for dinner. We takes walks often, actually I made a promise when she was born that everyday we would take a walk together, just her and me. It was an important promise to me and to her not just for our health but to make sure that everyday we have our special time together. I am happy to report that I have been pretty good on that promise. The only days we missed our walks are the days when it was pouring down rain, just too darn cold or when, shall I say it, I was just too tired.

I often find myself thinking, "What can I do to be a better mother?" Is there such a thing? So as I am holding her hand, my mind wondered off somewhere to this picture I hold in my mind about what a perfect mother is like.

The Beavers mom comes to mind. She makes her meals from scratch daily, cleans up the house, is there for her children, her clothes are always pressed, her make up is always done perfect everyday. She doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink, she takes the kids to Sunday mass and never says a swear word.

Then there is the t.v mom who packs all the kids into her SUV on her carpool day and drops all the kids safely off at school after she gets up at 4:00 am and puts on her make up, packs her kids lunches, double checks to make sure their kids permission slips are signed, their homework is in the bag and their hair and clothes are neat and presentable.

After dropping the kids off she heads out to her job in the busy office, takes a lunch date with her girlfriends, and after work she rushes to the grocery store to pick up some odds and ends for dinner. Magically she makes it to the school like clockwork picks all the kids off, listens to them tell her about their day. The kids put their backpacks on the table while she looks at them in adoration and a raised eye brow suggesting without a word, they do their homework before they head out to play.

By 5:30, she has a whole three course meal prepared, her husband comes home, she greets him with a passionate hug and kiss removes his briefcase and jacket and seats him at the table with the kids for dinner. They laugh and talk about their day and what troubles or wonderful things they did and what they are hoping for in the future.

She cleans up the mess, the kids take their own baths, she fetches her husbands slippers and settles him onto the couch for some R and R, puts the kids to bed, plays nookie with her husband and drifts happily off to dream land without as much as a sigh all day long.

Then there is me. The tattooed, young 31 year old who hasn't the faintest idea of how to raise my kid, I smoke cigarettes outside, I am divorced and make just enough to get by.

I gave up my day job to be with my kid. Certainly the prospects of having money to make life a little less stressful seems easier but one day at work, I got a phone call from me baby daddy saying that she was sick and when I told my boss I needed to go home... well they gave me a hard time and I needed to chose between my kid and them and that was the straw that broke the camels back and I never went back and I never felt that money was more important than my kid.

We struggle sometimes and often I feel bad that I cannot just give her everything she could ever want, or a house to call our own or a nifty kids beds, brand new clothes or take her to amusement parks and stuff but what good is that if I don't know my own kid?

Yip here is me, I wake up at 5:00 am to make more time in the day, kiss my partner good bye while he is rubbing his eyes out the door and I hand him a bag of trash, fight with my kid to eat her breakfast, cry when she doesn't eat her "special breakfast" that I make for her. Chase her down to get her clothes changed, step on legos on my way downstairs and scream f**k! You know it hurts.

After breakfast I leave the dishes in the sink until just before the man of the house gets home. (wink, wink) take a long coffee break, check my messages, do some "work", take a quick shower, if I feel extra "toe up" that morning I will put some make up on. Brush my teeth, brush my kids teeth, chase her down with a comb and put a pony tail in her hair that comes out as soon as I turn around.

I let her pick her clothes cause I said it's her choice, I am not the one wearing them. Search for a doo doo bag for the dog poop, take a walk around the neighborhood with the dog. When I get too far ahead I yell, "Okay kid, see ya!" And she comes screaming down the sidewalk to catch up to me, "mommy wait, mommy, mommy, mommy waaaaaiiiiiittttt!" I giggle, I know it's awful but well, I am not a perfect mother, I am definitely not Joan Cleaver or T.V mom.

When we get back from our walk, we make lunch which again she wont eat so I tell her she isn't getting anything else but end up giving her gummy worms because I got some hair brained idea that the best way to learn to count is to tell her she can have as many gummy worms as she can count. It works you know. She is three and she knows her ABC's and can count to 15 successfully.

Sometimes she will turn the radio on and ask to dance and so we do and she will tell me, "mommy don't dance." Then I take a look around my home that is a mess, clean up the dishes, fix dinner wait for my man to come home, greet him with a kiss and a hug, make small talk about his day, sit down for dinner... argue with my kid to eat her food.

Fight with her to pick up her toys before bed, spend about a half hour at bed time giving each other hugs. We read a story and she points to the male bunny and says, that is daddy bunny and I say, "Oh no that is Mr. Bunny." Never really knowing for sure what to say about that.

She tell me, "I love you mommy". I tell her, I love you more and we go back and forth until finally I have to just say okay! GO TO BED! I always feel awful closing the door behind me wishing that I could just spend the night with her but knowing that she needs to grow up no matter how hard I want her to stay a baby.

And at the end of the day I am completely pooped. It's like 8:30 and I can hardly keep my eyes open but drift off into sleep thinking. God I love my kid. I may not be an ideal parent but one things is for sure. In my house the words used most often are as follows:

I tell my kid: I love you soo much baby. She says, I love you too.

I tell my kid: Thanks for being my wonderful kid, thanks for being my kid. She says: Thanks for being my mommy.

I tell my kid: You are the greatest kid in the whole entire Universe. She says: Really I am? In this high pitched squeal.

I tell my kid: I love you more. She say: Na, I love yooouuuu more.

I give her kisses on the cheeks, she grabs my whole face and kisses my cheeks, nose, forehead, eyes and lips.

Now, I certainly am not perfect but I know for sure that of all the things that I was never really good at, being Mom is the thing I do best and I am very proud that in my home, Love is a gift and a word given freely in abundance all day long and I know that you don't have to be Joan Cleaver or T.V mom to be a perfect parent because perfect parents, mothers, fathers are perfect in the love they have for their children and that really is all it takes to make a perfect parents.