How to be more assertive

People often make the mistake of thinking that being assertive means learning to say "No!" But becoming assertive is neither as simple nor as challenging as that! For someone who is not naturally assertive, uttering a flat-out "No!" would be near impossible. Besides, it's unlikely to get the result you want - the person you're talking to may react badly to a straight refusal.

If you feel you're not assertive enough, chances are it's because you feel you're letting yourself be bullied or pushed around by others. Or perhaps you feel invisible, because other people aren't giving your views due consideration when making decisions. It's not that you want to be aggressive or dominating like the bullies, or that you want to make all the decisions - you just want to be heard and respected.

You don't have to be pushy to be heard and respected. You have to be quietly assertive, and stick to your guns. For a nervous or shy person, that can still seem a big ask, but it is achievable.

In many ways, being assertive is about defending yourself. It's not just about speaking up for yourself, but doing so in a way that won't create or escalate conflict.

Most people see only two ways of reacting to an attack: we can either give in for the sake of a peaceful life, or we can attack back, either physically or verbally. If you're a non-assertive person then you always give in, because to retaliate is unthinkable. Assertiveness is the third way - and you can do it!

The hardest thing about being assertive is staying calm in the face of whatever-it-is. The secret of assertiveness is all in the language, so it's important not to panic, so you can think about the words you're using.

It's going to sound strange, but the way to be assertive is to let the other person know how their behaviour affects you. That may sound like exposure, but it works in a variety of settings.

Say the other party is a spouse or friend who doesn't realise how dominating they are (which is more common than you think) - let them know what they're doing and they will, with time, change their behaviour.

Or say you're in a crowd of people and someone tries to pressure you - if you make it clear their behaviour is unacceptable and they still persist, then they're going to look like a boor and a bully in front of all those people, so they're more likely to back down.

Perhaps it's not someone attacking you, but someone who is behaving in a way that's unacceptable - like someone who is habitually late. Say "you're late again" and they'll bristle and give some excuse. Say, "when you keep me waiting, I have to leave the kids on their own for longer. What I'd like is that if I knew you were going to be late, I could plan better", and it not only takes the sting out of your remark but makes them realise how inconsiderate they're being.

That sentence encapsulates the strategy I recommend you start with. Another example might be, "When you tell the kids it's OK to do something I've forbidden, I feel undermined. What I'd like is if I could discuss it with you first."

If you look at these sentences, you can see that you're letting them know why their behaviour upsets you, and giving them a chance to fix it, all without inflammatory or critical language or a raised voice.

My first reaction when given this strategy was that it was too long, and I didn't think I'd be able to spit it out when it came to real situations. I was wrong!

Of course, it took some effort at first. It helps to take a deep breath before you speak. If you're sitting down, it may help to stand up so you feel more powerful. But I did find that it made a big difference in my dealings with people.

Another strategy which I found helpful was to ask myself "What's the worst that can happen?" We often shy away from doing things because we fear the consequences, and most of the time we haven't even worked out what the consequences are! When I forced myself to really think about what could happen if I went ahead, nine times out of ten it wasn't really all that bad. Once I realised that, I didn't need any courage to proceed because there was nothing to be afraid of.

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All text copyright Marisa Wright. Photo courtesy of MegElizabeth_ at Flickr.