In my previous hub on abused women I mentioned the advise I gave to the lady asking for my help. She is out of the violent marriage but still faces the verbal abuse of her manipulative ex-husband via her adult daughters. What to do?

My advice is take the observer role. Step back and watch the scene. This will take you away from the reactive role where you normally have reacted to the accusations with anger and sadness and set about to defend yourself. What you resist persists! This kind of reaction will amplify the bad situation and provoke even more responses back again.

Learn to act instead of react. Reactions are automatic patterns learned unconsciously through our daily life long relationships with relatives and colleagues. Actions are self-determined and deliberate choices. Act by not responding to the accusations. Make no comment, or at the most say, "That's interesting." Turn away from the negative and ask the accuser how they are. Prompt them to talk about themselves, their feelings, their job situation, or something else close to them. Doing so will disarm the accusation. Even if they repeat the accusation to squeeze a reponse from you, don't give in, hold out, and show genuine concern for their well-being.

Maybe this will make them mad, or maybe it will cause them to calm down. In any case you are removing the power from the accusations, you are imunising yourself against them.

Another step towards healing such a relationship is forgiveness. Now this might be difficult, particularly in a family relationship, but understand what forgiveness does and what is the alternative.

If you don't forgive then you are condemning - doing the same thing as your accuser. You are holding grudges and replaying in your mind the past scenes and convincing yourslef of your right to be upset. Does this attitude improve anything? Not at all, but it makes it worse.

By forgiving you are first of all playing a new movie in your mind. Instead of replaying the old happenings, you create a new scene, with new circumstances, the ones you desire. I suggest you write it down as you want your relationship to be and play it through repeatedly in your mind. Then when the accuser confronts you again see your new movie in your mind and focus on that.

Forgiveness also heals you. It really has nothing to do with the other person, by forgiving you are healing yourself. You remove the barrier between you and the accuser. Maybe they still hold a wall up, but at least its transparent on your side.

Remember, there is always a good side to every situation. Find it and dwell on it. Follow these tips and you will discover the magic of healing relationships.

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