How to deal with divorce positively

Nobody with a sane mind will get married with the expectation that this marriage is going to end. You commit yourself to a relationship, because you're heavily in love and want to spend the rest of your life together.

Unfortunately things don't always happen the way we planned them to. And so, after a while you find yourself in a situation where one or both of you don't want to continue living together.

These are tough decisions to make and most often they are preceded by an enormous internal struggle. This is so against your original intentions and it is hard to let go of your initial expectations. Especially if this is the first time that you're breaking up a serious relationship a lot of anxiety can be involved.

There may also be a lot of anger. One of the partners may blame the other for things that have happened. There will be a lot of negative emotions involved. Failure, regrets, guilt, and so on.

The both of you should acknowledge this. There is no point in denying the pain; there is no point in denying the mistakes. If you deny all those negative emotions they will be boiling beneath the surface, waiting for an occasion to burst out.

On the other hand, there's also no point in clinging on to those negative emotions. Cherishing them will only keep yourself down and keep you from moving on. Accept that the past can't be changed. What's done is done. Neither one of you can go back and undo mistakes. Accept that and stop holding things against your ex-partner. Blaming yourself or your partner for mistakes from the past will not get you anywhere. After all, what will change by blaming somebody?

I've had two recent experiences (break ups) in the past two years. As already pointed out a divorce is dramatic. You need time and the opportunity to deal with both the past and the future. There will be changes. Things that used to be evident will no longer be that evident anymore and you need to get into a new rhythm. The same is true for your ex. So you need to give each other the space and time to rearrange your lives. My ex-wife and I did this. We went our own ways, even if we were still living under the same roof. We minded our own business and in due time we re-established the contact, but this time as friends. Without judging each other and the choices we made.

As I said, I've had two experiences. The last, shortly after my ex-wife and I had decided to split up also didn't work out. It took me six months to realize I was far from ready for a new relationship and then I broke up. We agreed to separate as friends. However, she wouldn't leave me alone. Being friends, in her view, meant we still had to share a lot, while I was working things out for myself and needed the space to do so. In spite of me asking her to back off, she would contact me frequently. After all, we were friends, weren't we? Finally I decided to break all contact with her. In my perception she broke (at least) the two major rules: she kept blaming me for things I had done or said and she wouldn't leave me alone.

With this last girl things went wrong completely, while I still have a good contact with my ex-wife. Now how can that be?

First and foremost: we accept each other as we are

We accept that there are differences; we accept that we both have to live our lives in our own way. I don't criticize my ex-wife. There are plenty of things that she handles differently than how I would handle them, but that is her choice. I may at times tell her how I would act in her place, but I never say that the way she acts is wrong, never.

Second, we have let go

I don't know everything that's going on in her life. I don't know how she spends most of her time and I am fine with that. She's got her path to follow, I've got mine. And these paths are no longer connected. They still cross from time to time, but they're not connected.

Third, we focus on what joint us

The fact that I fell in love with my ex, so many years ago, means that there must be a number of traits that I appreciated. Many of those traits are still there and many of those traits I still appreciate. I still think of her as a nice person. And vice versa.

Fourth, there's no begrudging

I wish my ex-wife all the best; I sincerely hope that she finds happiness. Regardless of what happens to me I hope she finds the love she's looking for. This may seem hard to do, but is very much worth trying. The reward I get is twofold. My ex-wife doesn't begrudge me anything either and - what's even more important - I feel good about myself.