How to deal with emotional vampires
94An introduction to emotional vampires
Emotional vampires come in various shapes and sizes. Despite the several sub-types, one factor that they all have in common is that you feel emotionally drained after spending time with them. Besides feeling drained, they often take up your time and in some cases money as well. Emotional vampires tend to run in families. If you encounter one, you will want to avoid it and their family members as well.
Some emotional vampires have money. Those with money often use their money as a lure to entice you into their power. Once you are caught in their power they will take the life out of you. In the case of those with money, they will use your desire for money and greed as a way of keeping you in their clutches. They will use not only money, but also drugs, sex, secrets and anything else to have something on you in order to keep you in their control. “You owe me” is a frequently heard phrase coming from these types.
Some people use the term emotinal vampires. Other terms used are 'users' and 'takers'. We often have a sense about these types although there are different names for them depending on our experiences with them.
What are the types of emotional vampires?
The first type is the needy, helpless type. The needy persons often play the helpless role in an effort at getting you to take action. They often interact with a passive way of taking action. They ‘suggest’ or ‘ask’ for what they want from you. Sometimes it is direct, sometimes it is indirect. Whether direct or indirect, they know what they want. For example, if they want a glass of tea. They may make a comment that they are thirsty, or ask you for a glass of tea directly. When I think of this type I often see those large eyed cats that often look so pitiful and helpless.
Another type is the depressed vampire. These are the ones that move slowly. Sometimes they make sounds of struggle as part of their routine. They make every day look like it is a struggle for them. These are easily recognized. They often say very negative things and seem to energize themselves by cutting down and talking about others. They often have a long term frown on their face. When there is laughter it is often forced and almost a cackle rather than genuine belly-jostling laughter. Due to their extreme depressed mood, they often suck the life energy out of you and everything in the room. I have seen these types suck the life out of electric fans and other inanimate objects as well. You can feel these types when they enter a room.
The worst is the necrophilia type. This type is the depressed vampire on steroids. They take depression to a new low. This type does not enjoy life at all, They often talk about their losses, and surround themselves with somber music or even the lack of music. Their rooms are often morgue like, with photos and mementos of life that no longer exists. They items they have reminded them of their losses rather than the happy times they had. When they review their lives, they recall the mistakes, deaths and losses. They talk about death and how life itself is a struggle. If you listen to them, there are often themes of ‘revenge’ or talking about how people do not deserve things. It is this morbid aspect that separates them from the depressed type. Goths may look scary, but these types of persons actually do take the life and enjoyment of life out of you.
How to deal with them
1, Set boundaries. Know ahead of time how far you will go with people. Do not let them violate your boundaries. When they hook you into a crisis, they often violate your boundaries or force you to compromise so that the guilt from compromising your values can be used as leverage against you.
2. Pay attention to your gut feelings. If you gut tells you to stay away, listen to it. When you sense the draining of energy, do not ignore the sensation. The good Lord gave you those sensations in order to protect you from such types of people.
3. Learn how to turn away from guilt. When you can not be hooked, they do not have any power over you. Remember they only have the power that you give them. The more you give into them, the stronger the hold they have on you. Don’t feel guilty if they have hurt feelings.
4. Surround yourself with life and lively things. Listen to lively music dress lively and so forth. Make it a point to enjoy life. Since emotional vampires avoid life and liveliness like the plague, use it to re-energize yourself and keep them away. Rather than garlic, the thing that keeps away these types of vampires is liveliness.
5, Move a lot. Activities like dancing are invigorating. The despondency that often accompanies emotional vampires tends toward extreme passivity the antidote to that passivity is activity and lots of it.
What are their methods?
It is not unusual for emotional vampires to be in crisis and have ways of ‘hooking’ you into their crisis. Once hooked a kind of bonding takes place. Since you went through a crisis with them, they expect you to stay with them. You may hear themes of how only you could understand them, or how only you can help them. There will be other comments of how you are the exception to miserable world in which they live.
Besides crises, they often use crying episodes as another hook. The crying or threat of crying often creates guilt feelings in their victims. True guilt occurs when you violate a moral principle or law. In dealing with them you have broken no law or principle, they want you to feel like you owe them something. Some family structures used guilt as a motivator in raising their children. Children raised in such homes are often more vulnerable to these emotional vampire types.
- Who Stole My Mother?
My personal account of how I survived an abusive relationship with my mother. Filled with anecdotes and lessons learned from caring for an abusive elderly parent with a history of extreme aggression and hostility.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Than you JD
Being new to hubpages, I am still learning my way around
Sue
As a clinician, I loved your article. As someone who had to clearly (when "being nice" didn't work!) separate from a vampire neighbor, your advice to us all was right on.
Emotional vampires have an uncanny sense as to who is "nice," and therefore vulnerable to their abuse. Putting one's own needs first is key. Certainly the vampire won't consider the boundaries of someone else.
Thank You Dr. Valarie,
Knowing that others are benefiting from what I have experienced thrills me. It is good to hear your encouraging words. Vampire are not fun for anyone.
I was almost "hooked" by an emotional vampire about six months ago. She and I were both members of the same voluntary group, which was undergoing a lot of upheavals (these didn't affect us directly, but they did affect a mutual friend of ours - call him John). Anyway to cut a long story short, this vampire (call her Vanessa) enlisted my help to help John. It was something I was only too happy to do, because I was outraged at what had happened to him. Unfortunately, Vanessa used this as the hook to try and suck me into her dramas. She would keep me on the phone for hours with her micro-analysis of what was going on, and it became obvious to me that she was getting a vicarious high from the whole thing. To add an extra twist, she developed an obsession with another male volunteer - despite the fact that he was married with kids - and she would endlessly talk to me about how wonderful he was. It drove me nuts. After a few weeks of this, I cut off all contact with her. I still see her from a distance occasionally (we live in the same town), but I always make sure that she doesn't see me!
Thank you very much for this article. I just recently separated from a "friend" of 16 years. It was so hard. My husband could recognize her sucking my energy-she would call to talk to me not with me, and would make nicely said disparaging remarks- which I call paper cut comments. I felt guilty if I didn't want to go out with her.The last time I did she ignored me for her other friend and denied it all. I wrote her a heartfelt letter, hoping she would get it; a instead she told me the problem was with me. You have empowered me not to feel guilty about no longer dealing with her.
Dr Valarie mentions putting your own needs first. Conventional morality would have it that this is selfish, but the way I see it is if you don't look after yourself, then you can't look after the people/things in your life who really matter. For example Sam, perhaps your husband has secretly been worried about your energy being sucked away by your "friend", and perhaps this "friend" has to some extent diverted your attention from him and other people who really care about you. (I don't know you IRL so I'm completely guessing here LOL.)
It's a fascinating subject - one which touches on universal themes of morality, altruism, selfishness etc.
M. I.
Those emotional vampires are 'tricky'. They often have lures and traps that literally take you into their world. The problem is they do not play fair and they do not like to let you leave their world. Like the Hotel California, you can check in, but there is hell to pay if you check out.
Sam,
I am glad you found the article helpful. I think that everyone has had to deal with emotional vampires. We often gripe abou them, but it is often scary to examine the subject closely. Vampires do not like their reflections and oftentimes we do not like to take a close look at the vampires or how we got sucked into their world.
How can I break a psychic connection with my mother who is an emotional energy vampire? My "mother" was abusive to me from when I was a very young child and I moved in with my Dad at the age of 15 because I knew the only way I would lead a decent life would be to get away from her. I kept her out of my life and my siblings lives until I was in my early thirties- I am the oldest and I am protective of my younger siblings. My friends mother died and I reconnected with her and slowly helped her get back into the family. I facilitated her rekindling a friendship with my Dad after almost two decades of acrimony. She got cancer and I was one of the first people she called. When I began to cry, she told me that she was glad I was upset. When I told her I forgave her for the abuse in my childhood, she did not accept the forgiveness and was again glad that I was upset when I told her it bothered me that she would not accept my forgiveness. I called her last sunday because I felt compelled to and she told me she had been thinking of me and that there is a connection between us, which scares the living hell out of me and yet at the same time I want to trust her. I felt sick after talking with her even though I tried not to let her vampire me but she still did. She is a total taker and does not give back anything. She told me the reason she abused me is that I reminded her of herself and she hates herself. This is a battle that I face all the time. I have had trouble at work because my boss reminds me of "mother" and how she called me stupid and told me I would be a failure. Yet she always asks me about medical information (I have a pharmacy background) and tells me things she won't tell her shrink. I am tired of being her therapist and being a parent to her, but there is a part of me that still loves her despite all the hate she has given. She does not give updates on her progress and I am beginning to suspect that she does not have cancer at all and is just using the family to get attention. She wants someone to be like her and I do not want to be like her at all. This is the worst fear of my seven siblings. To be like her.
Ann,
It sounds like your mother is a drug and you should go cold turkey.
I feel it's innapropriate for you mother to use you as a confidante/therapist. She also sounds emotionally sadistic, as if she only likes you if you're suffering.
You really need to set boundaries (limiting contact, finding excuses to leave or get off the phone, etc.). However, it sounds as if this is difficult for you. It sounds as if you are still hoping for acceptance/love/connection with her and with people who remind you of her. If you ever get the urge to call her, you're better off dealing with the withdrawal (anxiety, etc), than that nasty drug of a parent.
My recommendation is to cut ties with her for now and do therapy to get past the abuse and detach yourself from her. It might bother you to disconnect from her, but trust me, you're in good company-- one of my friends decided (while doing therapy) to avoid her family. My mother curtailed contact with her own mother. When I'm in town, I will not stay at my parent's place, although I can deal with short visits.
It may be difficult to get your mother out of your life for now, but it sounds as if the alternative is worse. Get help, you need to take care of yourself -- you sound like a very insightful person who would do very good work with a good therapist.
very informative and unique your methods part is my favorite
i will refer this great job
My neighbor is an emotional vampire and trys to stop by every day, invites herself over and talks to us, when we are on our patio, whenever we have people over. She invites herself when we are going for a walk with our dog and trys to invite herself when we are going out with friends or to a restaurant or dance club. We started by being nice and she is always crying and looking for attention. She hasn't been getting the "hint" that we don't want any contact with her. Thanks for the article. I am taping it on the inside of my front door.
Drained Neighbor,
Although I hoped my article would help with emotinal vampire, I don't think that it will replace garlic as a vampire repellent. Since we often just react without thinking, having the article on the door will help to remind you about things.
Vampire Costumes,
I am glad that you found the methods useful. I had to learn the hard way on how to deal with the emotional vampire critters.
Thank you so much Viviane. Your comment is so insightful and understanding . I keep your words in mind when my mother calls and when I feel the urge to call her. It is amazing how healing it is to be away from the drain.
I let the vampire back into my life for a phone call and it has caused destruction in my life. She called me on my birthday, 8:45pm and left a message from "mommy."
Her "gift" was to tell me that she was awaiting the results from her latest biopsy. She wanted me to be the only one she told. I could feel the pull. I told her my mother in law was here and that I had to go, she wanted to keep me on the phone. She could barely conceive of the fact that I had a mother in law that would come and see me.
I wish I could have been stronger and not called her back. I let her take my energy and took my husbands energy and made a huge mistake which has created a rift in our friendship. He is a good and kind man but has had enough of his energy being stolen. I made an ass of myself in public with him and made a fool out of him through my behaviour because I experienced a moment of deep self destruction; in that moment I was a vampire and sucked the energy out of my husband and those around me. The moment I did it I snapped out of it, but the damage was done.
I have learned a great lesson which I hope can help others.
On my birthday I recieved a gift from the Great Spirit. A card sent by my dearest friend and one sent by her mother, a lady I have talked with but have never met. She gave me some beautiful words that inspired me and created the total opposite energy of vampirism. She was so kind to me that I want to give her kindness in return. Prayer is the anecdote to vampiric energy. If you are feeling negative or hard on yourself, pray to help someone else so that they may be healed. I have learned that the opposites of vampires are Angels and that every day people are extraordinary Angels who are among us.
Hi Sue, I enjoyed your article but could not help but fall back on a few cliche's that apply here. "It takes one to know one"(and don't take it personal), "What comes around goes around"(use the info to grow your perspective) and my favorite, "Do on to others what you would have done on to you"(Applies in every situation). I realize that these situations can be difficult, but what changed my life is when I realized the source of all energy, Great Spirit(God or whatever you call it). This source is infinite and when we recieve from it we can give as much as we want and never run out! In fact you feel better for sharing the energy! Until you experience it you should reserve judgement. The advice you give is practical and good esp. #4 and #5. I really Love the pics and animation! Thanks for sharing this article.
Ann,
It is not by coincidence that in many treatment facilities, they refer to the telephone as the 'relapse box'. Taking unwanted phone calls is one of the ways that the vampires creep into our hearts and lives.
I find that I have to give myself the freedom to NOT answer the phone. Too often people let the phone dictate their lives. You do not have to answer it.
Sequiablessed,
Thank you for stopping by. I am not able to update the hubs as often as I would like. Your comment underscored the idea that many of those cliches are cliches for a good reason.
All the Best!
Please help - My mother has had a traumatic brain injury, was in a coma for several months. Since then, she's so hard-headed, impulsive, and also very intuitive and psychic. Nobody knows why she passed out and fell, I think some emotional abuse from her childhood finally blacked her out, overcame her and now the old person who was alive...is dead, and she's a shell with only that emotional baggage inside...and now it's eating the rest of us alive.
She is the emotional equivalent of a sixteen year old, she has had almost 20 major accidents, mostly broken hips, in the last 10 years...regardless of how much attention and care her family gives her... She is extremely needy, she doesn't like herself, she blames everything on herself, and refuses to exercise or do therapy to try and get better, and also is Napoleonic about controlling the household and still thinks her children, who are in our twenties, are at the age when she fell, so she talks to us as if we're little kids and she pretends to be this manipulative mother figure. If you talk to her or challenge her about serious things she has another accident and becomes the victim again. She takes an entire cupboard full of prescription drugs. She has my giving Dad and my family wrapped around her finger because of it...if this isn't vampirism, I don't know what is...help!
She is incredibly psychic, she can "read" people so easily it's scary... as her son I feel like there is a tube connected to the back of my head, that she can fill with quiet, irritating mental information and her aura encompasses me and her "feelers" attack my body and drain me, I have no defense whatsoever...I am terrified of it. I just keep saying "this is not my mom! this doesn't feel right" ...and there have been many times we have actually really shared thoughts and almost had conversation while in different rooms, but not in a good way, as if all her baggage was being transferred directly into my brain, passed down. I actually lost control one time and ran into her room and screamed "What are you doing!" and she said in this calm creepy, cheerful voice "I'm just having a conversation with you in my head"...that in itself made me believe in psychic connection. It enrages me because I feel like it is an attack I can't fight back against, there were times growing up I'd wake up early in the morning when she had just awoken, and I could swear I could hear her voice in my brain whispering little irritating, controlling things and it ruined my entire day because it's not really my mom, it's a fractured, broken skeleton of a person reaching ghost-hands into my brain to manipulate me...this would suck the life right out of me... It's as if another person is in her body using her mother-bond to attack me and bring me down, I am becoming very depressed and having suicidal thoughts because I can't think of a way to change my identity so she can't hurt me from inside.
Also, I'm pretty sure the main way her "feelers" function is through the air, smell plays a big part, I might just be crazy but I think her shattered vampiric ego has a way of traveling through air, I can smell her from 30 feet away, that old smell of nauseous air-spray, vitamins, hospital stink, a scent that pushes its way right into my brain, I wake up to every morning even if I'm outside in the garage trying to get away ...I have actually suddenly vomited when coming too close to her before, which scared the crap out of me, I didn't know what to make of it, still don't...and nobody else seems to be bothered.
How do I protect myself from my mother's powerful emotional "aura" of major depression, self-hate, and self-victimization? It's like an invisible cloud of confusion around the house, and whenever I manage to get away (even though I'm supposed to be taking care of her) she has an accident and pulls me back in. She has total control over everyone with her traumatic emotional status, and nobody in my life knows how I feel. There's no support because she knows how to manipulate outsiders to think she's normal and ok.
I have read books about psychic and emotional vampires and I am positive that she is one, the self-victimizing passive aggressive controller. But I don't know what to do now!
I am getting severe anxiety, depression and having trouble coping. I can not just leave her presence at this time, I refuse to take anti-depressants to treat the symptoms, and I don't know what to do...please help.
I was in a relationship with a psychic/emotional vampire. He sucked me in and seemed like the perfect man. He had four kids ranging in age from 7 to 12. Soon he revealed the story of his ex-wife and all of her problems. She was really abusive and called him constantly screaming and belittling him.
His kids were really strange and had a lot of social problems, which bothered me, but I wanted to be with him. He used sex and money to keep me hooked in. As time went on I began helping him to deal with the ex-wife and kids, which drained me. I didn't realize how much of my life energy was being stolen by this guy.
We were together for over six years, supposed to be married, but after the engagement I kept putting it off. The problems with his kids and ex-wife made me keep avoiding it. Besides, things were so chaotic that I never thought about planning a wedding. I had my own two kids to worry about, and I kept them away from the b.s. that was going on in his life.
After finally getting him to take his kids to counseling to see what was going on with them at their mom's (he and his ex had joint custody, meaning one week with mom, next week with dad), we found that the kids were undergoing emotional and physical abuse, mom was bulimic and throwing up in front of the kids into the kitchen sink, garbage can, etc., as well as being a chronic alcoholic, and in a very abusive lesbian relationship (no homophobic tone intended).
He finally decided to try and get total custody of the kids, and I helped him all the way. I told him what to do and how to do it. I found myself using all the energy I had to try and make him happy. Finally, he got custody of his kids, which he would never have been able to do without my help.
At that point, I was so drained that I was staying away from him more and more. His kids were with him all the time now, and at the risk of sounding like an uncaring bitch, I just couldn't stand to be around them. They acted like they hated me from the very beginning. These poor kids were so screwed up.
Anyway, as I started pulling away from him, he started up another relationship that I wasn't aware of. For an entire year I tried to break off the relationship with him, but he would show up at my house and manipulate me almost every day, make me cry, miss him, feel like I needed him, and was so sad about the break-up. He always made everything about himself. Everything was about him. I don't think he wanted me any more, but I don't think he wanted to let me go either.
If I ever needed moral support or was upset about something, he would take over and dominate the conversation. All of a sudden we would be talking about him. He would take my problem and relate it to himself and how he was hurting. Eventually, I just never talked about myself and I got tired of listening to him talk about himself.
He thought he was the greatest thing in the world and none of his shortcomings were his fault. He spent so much time talking about his ex-wife and telling me the same crap over and over that he had gone through with her. It just got to the point where I had no more physical or emotional energy left in me to deal with my own life.
With regard to his kids, who were now becoming more normal as a result of my finally getting him to take his kids to counseling and get documented proof of what their mother was doing, he completely denied my contributions. He didn't acknowledge that the reason he had custody of his kids was because of me and my continually pushing him and telling him what he needed to do to get it done.
Things that I never really noticed before were suddenly uncovered to me. I realized that he had been going through my things, personal papers, finances, my drawers, etc. I had been keeping my engagement and wedding rings in a hidden drawer in my dresser and one day they were gone. He had gone through my things looking for the rings, which I found out later, he had traded in to buy his new wife's rings.
The reason I knew this was because two of our sons played baseball on the same team and I had to put up with seeing him and the new wife. I commented to him about trading my rings in and she had a fit. It was almost funny, really, except that it happened in front of a lot of people, so it was more embarrassing than anything.
In the end, I ended up losing everything I had, my house (because when I was looking for a bigger home for my kids and me, he insisted that we buy a home together, so we would have something that was "ours." I didn't want to do it, but eventually gave in. So, when we broke up, I ended up with a house payment that I couldn't afford by myself.
Within ten months of leaving him (he was still coming around), I had a nervous breakdown at work and within a month tried to kill myself.
There are so many things that happened, so many details to explain how bad this guy was, but it would take so much time to put them in writing. We had purchased real estate together, I had borrowed money to put down on an investment property, and in the end, he tricked me into signing it over to him so we could sell it.
If I signed it over to him and refinanced my house, he would sell the investment property and give me my money out of it. He never did as he promised and I ended up with nothing. I should have seen an attorney, but didn't think he would cheat me out of what was mine. How stupid of me.
I took him to court over it and lost. He had a better attorney and was better at lying to make it look like he had done so much for me that I didn't deserve my money back. I now wish I hadn't pursued it because it was so hard going through that. It was so humiliating.
Before the suicide attempt I went into a depression so bad that I couldn't take care of my basic needs. I had to sell my house at a loss and move into my mom's house (which was hell because she's a psychic vampire, too, and didn't want me there).
My poor kids had to go through hell because their mother jumped off the deep end. It's been so horrible trying to forgive myself for being involved with such a person, and for spiraling out of control.
I haven't worked since 2002, and have been so depressed that I'm now on social security disability.
What he stole from me is unrecoverable. By the end of that relationship I had nothing left. If you are in any kind of relationship with a person like this, get out! Don't try to justify anything, and don't deny what is happening to you as I did. He had me so sucked in and dependent on him that I was devastated when he was through with me. As soon as he saw that he'd sucked every last bit of energy from me, he moved on to someone else.
Now I'm the one he complains to his new wife about. I'm the bad person who made his life so miserable, just as his ex-wife was the person he told me made his life so miserable. Always be careful with a person who does this. There is something very, very wrong. It's a huge red flag. Take notice and get away.
These people take no responsibility for their actions in anything. Beware when someone comes to you blaming someone in their past for all of their problems. Beware of people who come into your life and seem perfect, and somehow appear to be the answer to your dreams. This always wears off as soon as they have you firmly under their control. Then they want all the attention they can squeeze out of you. You no longer matter to them, except as a source to feed their egos and insecurities.
If you are with someone who doesn't pay attention to your needs and wants, but demands every bit of your attention and loyalty, you need to get out. You need to be important. What you want matters and there are non-toxic people out there who can give you what you need as you give back to them in return.
Psychic vampires are very dangerous. They will take everything you have and they get off on ruining people who turn against them. They are pure evil, whether some say they are unconscious of their behaviors or not, they are still evil.
With my ex I often felt like my soul was engaged in battle with his, bu
Tabby,
Wow! You have been through the grinder with an emotional vampire. Like all vampires, their appetites only grow as they want more and more. It took me a while to wake up to the reality that they wanted more, much more than I or anyone else could give. They also have deeper problems than I could ever imagine. Guilt is what kept me hooked in. I can understand the depth, despair and emptiness of your situation. I wish that I had known about such people as 'emotional vampires' before I was drained.
Hi, I totally agree that the way not to lose energy because of an emotional vampire is completely ignoring him right from the beginning. In the moment that you realize that he has this kind of complexes, cut him off. In case it is your close relative, the method is more difficult - you have to cut off just the discussions that lead to emotional exhousting for you. See also this site http://collective-wisdom.in/index.php?option=com_c
|
When Am I Going to Be Happy?: How to Break the Emotional Bad Habits That Make You Miserable
Price: $4.20
List Price: $7.99 |
|
Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back
Price: $13.35
List Price: $14.95 |
|
The Power of Self-Coaching: The Five Essential Steps to Creating the Life You Want
Price: $9.20
List Price: $15.95 |
|
Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior
Price: $6.98
List Price: $13.95 |
|
Object Relations Therapy: Using the Relationship
Price: $14.29
List Price: $25.00 |
|
The Witch Must Die: The Hidden Meaning Of Fairy Tales
Price: $5.04
List Price: $18.00 |
J D Murrah says:
17 months ago
Sue,
I enjoyed your hub. You have some fascinating insights.