Many a people feel life is dull, meaningless and un entertaining without any alcohol, drugs, tobacco, watching or reading porn or going after money. They also think that it is not wrong. Some even say that we are here to taste all earthly pleasures. I am not different from them. In fact I am an addictive personality. But there is a difference between addiction and sickness, between a normal and abnormal. I belong to the category of abnormal people.I will describe some of my character straights and you can judge me whether I am right or wrong.

Dissatisfaction

I am never a satisfying soul. I do like a cup of tea especially when I am sitting on my internet bed. I use Indian way of seat that is Padmaasan to view videos or blogs. But just one cup of tea does not satisfy me.After typing a paragraph I want one more sip.I do not remember how many cups of tea I consume. My wife has found a way out.She brings fresh cup and keeps on my CPU but never takes back empty cups.That service I have to do myself. God only knows when I will be satisfied. I can not say it is poisonous for me, as my doctor friend shouts on me and says it intoxicates. I have tried to stop drinking tea, coffee and tobacco thousands of times as Mark Twain says.But that urge to have one more, just one more, keeps always haunting me.

Ineffectiveness

Every thing effects us. When I read first murder mystery, there was a great effect of the story on me. All my body became tense. Fear was in my every cel and drop of my blood. It was at the age of 10. I had decided not to read any murder or voilence novels any more. But very next day I read my next crimal-story. There were two murders in it. This time I could digest it. Soon I got a title 'Seven murders in one night'. I could easily read it without any fear and all alone. Fear also follows the law of diminishing marginal utility.You can't get the same amount of fear from the every unit of murder. It declines steadily and soon you are no more happy to read any amount of violence or rape stories. Same thing goes with porn. Whet her one girl or hundreds of girls it makes no differece. You are not bored because you want a variety. You are in search of variety. It is ineffective and not satisfying.

I want to stop but this is only last time

Many of addictions I had successfully got rid of . But one pattern remains common in my habits. I want to quit this habit but let me do it last time. This is the last day I will do it and from tomorrow onwards I will never do it. But that tomorrow has never come in my life.

The only moment that is in my hand is now.

Yes future and past are illusions of my mind. As G Krishnamurthi explains. It is neurons through which memory flows and you feel there is past or future or more truly you feel you are there. You are just an illusion created by memory or archieves of memories.

So now you turn to self help books religions guidebabas varieties of mantra tantra and yantra. In the beginning you get some kick out of it. But soon you will find it is the same old wine in a new bottle with a new lebel or brand name.

You are no more interested in visiting places whether it is Kashi or Mecca or any other global communion.

What is then way out?