As a high school teacher, I often need to get teenagers to do something they don't want to do. Let me tell you about one strategy that I've picked up over the years of teaching. It may sound contradictory, however, if you want to get your teenage to do something specific, give them choices.

Why Do So Many Teens Rebel

As you know, teenagers love to rebel against authority. As a teenager grows up, they are transitioning from always being told what to do as a child, to complete freedom. Many teens are not mature enough to understand in which situations they have freedom and which ones they still need permission. As a child, you tell them what movies they can watch, what to eat, and what time to go to bed. As a teenager, they may not need permission to leave the house to go walk the dog, but they do if they want to go to the movies. Somes teens will not understand the difference.

Limited Choices, Not Demands

Since teens are looking for opportunities to feel like they are in control, why not give it to them. Lets say you want your teen to put down the iPhone, do their homework, and take out the trash. If you walk in and say, "Do your homework and take out the trash now or I'm taking away the iPhone!", what type of reaction are you going to get? Instead, try saying, "Do you want to take out the trash first, or do your homework first?" If the teen says, trash, then say, "Do you want to take out the trash now, or in 5 minutes?" Notice how I'm really only giving the illusion of choice; they still have to take out the trash and do their homework! Let's say that 5 minutes later, your teen still hasn't put down that iPhone. Now if you say, "You said you would take out the trash in 5 mintues. It's been 5 minutes. I need you to keep your word and take out the trash." Notice that if the teen did not do this, they wouldn't be rebelling against a rude parent; they would be going against their word. Respect is important to teens. They need to feel respect in order to give it. Since you gave them the choice initially, they will give you the respect of keeping their word.

I know what you are thinking. This won't work with my teen! It's all about showing respect. I've even heard of this tactict working for the police. One police officer said that if someone was being argumentative they had a much better time if they gave them choices. Do you want me to cuff your hands in the front or the back? Do you want to sit on the curb in or in the back of the car? Do you want to help getting into the squad car or do you want to do it yourself? If it works with criminals, I hope it'll work with your teen too.

Another example. Lets say that your child is rebelling against their curfew. You say they need to be home by 11 and they think they should be able to stay out until 12. First, do not get into a power struggle with your child. Both you and your teen agree you have the right to set a curfew; your disagreement is in what a reasonable time to come home is. Lets say your child starts out by saying, "All my friends can stay out until 12, why can't I!?" Don't get into that power struggle by saying "Because I say so, that's why?" Next, diffuse the situation. "Who are you staying out with tonight that is allowed out until 12?" A simple question that they want to answer. Then say, "We have decided that at your age, the appropriate time is 11. You can either come home by 11 and keep your privelidges, or you can stay out until 12 and lose your iPhone for 3 days" Notice that I didn't dare them to stay out past 12. I didn't even say they HAD to be home by 11. I gave them a choice.

Consistancy is the KEY

Be consistant. Lets say that I'm in the classroom teaching and Joey is talking and I tell him to stop talking. If he starts talking again, what should I do? Teens need to know there are consequences for misbehaving. Lets say that the second time I tell Joey to stop talking I also tell him he's going to get a detention if the is disruptive again. If I only give him a detention on the third time, 20%, 30%, even 50% of the time, what's Joey going to do? He's going to press his luck of course. Lets say a slot machine has a particlar payout so that 1/3 of the time you win $5, and 2/3 of the time you lost $3. Over time you're going to lose money. If they payouts occur randomly, you might play, in real life, many people do. But what if the slot machine was predictable? Lose, lose, win. Lose, lose, win. Lose, lose, win. You aren't going to play that slot for very long. The same thing with teenagers. If you are consistent in your punishment, they will learn and learn fast.

• Structure your desires as choices, not demands
• Be fair and consistant
• Be the parent. You have the right to take away that go phone, x-box 360, iPod. Just make sure you are following the previous tip.

Please leave me comments, questions and concerns