In a previous hub  I addressed the topic of how to deal with difficult people. For most of the people you come across this ‘strategy’ will work just fine. Things are different however, when you’re dealing with an ex-husband. Especially when there are children involved it’s often impossible to just break the contact and ignore the other. So, what can you do?

I think not. There are children involved and the last thing you want is for them to feel forced to take sides or get out of the warzone. Any offensive remark will be noted and stored and come back at a later time in an association that you have no control over. Chances are that it will come back right at you. Any statement about your ex they hear will be judged at some time. They will make their own assessment and since you’re talking about their mother or father this statement will pass through their natural defense mechanism. At the end of the day anything you say will tell them more about you than it will tell about your ex. So if you want to teach them courtesy and respect, show courtesy and respect.

On the other end of the scale you don’t want to simply ‘surrender’ either. You don’t have to put up with the bullsh*t that comes your way. You also want to teach them self-respect and the best way to teach them that is by showing. You don’t have to accept the assaults thrown at you by your ex. You shouldn’t. So, these are the two extremes:

• Follow your anger and hit ‘m where it hurts;

• Become a victim and endure the pain.

Dealing with difficult people requires you to act consciously and rationally. Of course, you can’t simply ignore your emotions, nor should you suppress them. But you shouldn’t let them take control either. The one, most important fact is: you have separated. The two of you have decided to go your own way. There is no more ‘we’. There’s you and there’s him or her. And regardless of whatever emotion a statement of your ex may summon: it’s your life. You decide. Be aware of that. Be very aware of that. Your ex may have a say in important decision with regard to the children, but that’s where his or her jurisdiction ends. So resist the temptation to defend yourself when (s)he comments the way you treat the children. It simply is not his or her concern. The only thing you have to do is point that out. (S)he is not entitled to an explanation or justification of why you do what you do. So fight the urge to explain or justify yourself. You don’t need his or her approval. Draw the line.

When you ended the relationship certain agreements have been made. Agreements about who gets the children and how often they get to visit the other. Agreement on alimony. If your ex does not keep his or her end of the deal, simply point that out. Mention it, maybe mention it again, but if that doesn’t work seek legal support. First, because a lawyer will have the means and skills to solve this. It may take time, but at the end of the day you will get justice. Second, more importantly it will make communicating with your ex a lot easier, contradictory as it may sound. You don’t have to keep him to his obligations, your lawyer will do that. So you can focus on what matters: it’s your life and what (s)he thinks of it is not your concern.