So I've gotten pretty good at making unwanted guests in my house pack their bags and get at a dodge and really I just want to brag about it but if you can learn something from any of this then I'm happy for ya. So let me set it up for you- My dad's girlfriend is a total cunt and her daughter is an even more offensively smelling cunt. Seriously. So every so often they'll play house and stay over here for the weekend, usually bringing some form of white trash accompaniment along with them to further ruin my time at home. Here's a quick run-down of the things I've come up with that have worked to some degree, for ridding the place of said cunts.

When Internet bandwidth issues become a concern and you feel as if they shouldn't be privy to your precious WiFi, simply log in to your router's setup page and block their MAC address. I did it from a networked computer away from the router (the router is in the room where the cunt usually is farting or taking Myspace photos of her fat ass) so there was little reason to look towards me being the culprit. When asked if you've had trouble logging in, be sure to rub it in their face how you just got done using the Internet to great success and tell them you're not sure what the problem is, it's probably to do with their equipment. This is especially fun to do when they are trying to do homework and NEED to be connected to the Internet and it could even result in their leaving which is after all the main objective.

Pee on the toilet seat and then leave it up so they have to put it down by hand to go, thus getting piss on their hands in the process. There are a number of things you could leave in the bowl to spice things up but I'll leave that to your imagination.

Write your name on every food item that you don't want them eating and if you see they've slipped one past without a name, claim your marker ran out and promptly take it from them. If need be, pour it down the sink in front of them to be as wasteful and illogical as possible. You don't go eating and drinking at their house right? Exactly.

You could do a number of things to the bedding that they'll be using, the most effective of which deal with bodily fluids of course.

If you can find a toothbrush, get creative and wipe your ass with it or something.

Hide all remotes.

Every time you see them, make some sort of unpleasant sigh as if you're put out by their presence. Or maybe just make a face, you know the face you make when you first walk into an airplane lavatory, that face. You shouldn't have to try too hard for this to come across as believable if you're actually spending the time reading how to rid your house of filth.

Say stuff like, "let me come trash YOUR house" under your breath when walking past and if asked for clarifcation on what you said, simply deny it.

Lock the bathroom and keep the key with you. I haven't used this one yet but I'm a scatter brain and thought of it after they left.

Just get creative and try to remain subtle, you want to be able to have deniability of everything so you seem like a good guy to others but to them, you're a complete fucking asshole. They'll keep coming back even if you go public with your disgust for them. And PLEASE, if you have any ideas that I could use next time, leave them as a comment on this hub.

To cleanliness and the removal of redneck cunts from the premises.