How to make your stripper girlfriend presentable to your family

You won't find this in Maxim magazine. Playboy won't tell you how to do this.!So your new girlfriend is a stripper, dancer, exotic entertainer, circus freak or whatever you may want to call it. How do you introduce her to your family and tell them you date her? Very cafrefully.

Love has no boundaries....especially when it is found upside down on a pole. So after 3 weeks you feel it is time to introduce her to "The Fam". You know you are special, you have accepted her job as " pure entertainment" Her past is behind her and her probation is almost complete. You undoubtedly have told your mother that you met someone and hopefully you told her you came across your soul mate while shopping for a mothers day card at Hallmark. To ease the transition of fantasy to reality, I have prepared some simple suggestions so that the initial meeting will go well enough to drop the " my girlfriend is a stripper" hammer on mom just in time for Easter dinner

You have to remove any temptation for your new love slave to act like an animal. Make sure nothing mom plans on cooking could tempt her to eat with her fingers. This may seem cute when she is at the club sticking her fingers in chili and wiping it on her pasties, but it will not have the same affect if she does it with tuna casserole on the linen place mats. Tell your mother she likes pasta. If you go with chicken she will want it fried and ask for BBQ sauce. If you go with any red meat she will want to slab ketchup on it and be tempted to make a joke about how nice your meat is. Fish may just make her have a flashback to the dressing room and this will prevent you from keeping her acting like a civilian. Tell you mother she has a spoon phobia, you don't want that uncomfortable 3 minutes of silence when she is staring at 2 spoons wondering which one is for soup and which one is for the coke. Also sit her at a right angle to your dad just in case he was a previous patron of the club. This way he may not recognise her from the side. Buy some french non alcoholic wine so she can't read the label. Remember when she works the more wine she drinks , the more money she gets so you don't want her thinking the same holds true here.

This has to be dome in a delicate fashion. Nice to you means crotchless to her. Tell her that your parents often keep the house chilly and she should wear long sleeves. This will help hide her tattoos and track marks and also lessen the chance that she will wear a low cut shirt which will have your little brother excusing himself to the bathroom 4 times during dinner. Explain to her that your father has a phobia about high heels due to his torture by the German guards during the civil war. After that just sit on the edge of the bed and nod your head as she comes out of her closet asking " is this too slutty?"

Get your story straight. You were looking at cards for mothers day, she was looking at stuffed bears for flag day. Make it believable and easy. Nobody will question her shopping for flag day after they see her talk to the stuffed deer head on the wall for 3 minutes.

Now you have to come up with where she works. I am sure by now she told you she was a student and not just any student but something way over the top: lawyer, doctor, genetic engineer. Get her used to the term "liberal arts" , tell her that means she will get a degree in fashion and go work for MTV. If asked what courses she is taking she is to say basic courses such as algebra, middle east studies and drama, not math, social studies , art and gym.

Avoid sports. Her knowledge of sport will be based on how many couch dances she does after the Yankees win, or who tips less basketball players or hockey players. Politics is a big no no. Keep it simple like you are having career day at Hoover Elementary. Avoid words that may may be associated with sex or body parts.

Inevitably your mother will ask her about brothers and sister. This is where you and your family will need a flow chart more complex than the schematics of a lunar landing. Her relationships will consist of more halves, quarters and steps than a recipe for vegetable stew. Just let her go with it and your mother will feel sorry for her and excuse the fact that she burped, farted and tied a piece of asparagus into a know with her tongue.

Everyone will love her and if they don't they will smile and tell you she is " spunky" Bring her around once in a while and when she is in rehab just say she is doing an internship at VH1. It may just work out and and her will be sitting in a tree K-i-s-s-i-n-g , as long as you keep coming to the club and T-i-p-p-i-n-g.