How to make your stripper girlfriend presentable to your family
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So you've found The One? while tipping a 5$?
You won't find this in Maxim magazine. Playboy won't tell you how to do this.!So your new girlfriend is a stripper, dancer, exotic entertainer, circus freak or whatever you may want to call it. How do you introduce her to your family and tell them you date her? Very cafrefully.
Love has no boundaries....especially when it is found upside down on a pole. So after 3 weeks you feel it is time to introduce her to "The Fam". You know you are special, you have accepted her job as " pure entertainment" Her past is behind her and her probation is almost complete. You undoubtedly have told your mother that you met someone and hopefully you told her you came across your soul mate while shopping for a mothers day card at Hallmark. To ease the transition of fantasy to reality, I have prepared some simple suggestions so that the initial meeting will go well enough to drop the " my girlfriend is a stripper" hammer on mom just in time for Easter dinner
Know what mom is cooking
You have to remove any temptation for your new love slave to act like an animal. Make sure nothing mom plans on cooking could tempt her to eat with her fingers. This may seem cute when she is at the club sticking her fingers in chili and wiping it on her pasties, but it will not have the same affect if she does it with tuna casserole on the linen place mats. Tell your mother she likes pasta. If you go with chicken she will want it fried and ask for BBQ sauce. If you go with any red meat she will want to slab ketchup on it and be tempted to make a joke about how nice your meat is. Fish may just make her have a flashback to the dressing room and this will prevent you from keeping her acting like a civilian. Tell you mother she has a spoon phobia, you don't want that uncomfortable 3 minutes of silence when she is staring at 2 spoons wondering which one is for soup and which one is for the coke. Also sit her at a right angle to your dad just in case he was a previous patron of the club. This way he may not recognise her from the side. Buy some french non alcoholic wine so she can't read the label. Remember when she works the more wine she drinks , the more money she gets so you don't want her thinking the same holds true here.
Discuss what she will wear
This has to be dome in a delicate fashion. Nice to you means crotchless to her. Tell her that your parents often keep the house chilly and she should wear long sleeves. This will help hide her tattoos and track marks and also lessen the chance that she will wear a low cut shirt which will have your little brother excusing himself to the bathroom 4 times during dinner. Explain to her that your father has a phobia about high heels due to his torture by the German guards during the civil war. After that just sit on the edge of the bed and nod your head as she comes out of her closet asking " is this too slutty?"
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Discuss " the lie"
Get your story straight. You were looking at cards for mothers day, she was looking at stuffed bears for flag day. Make it believable and easy. Nobody will question her shopping for flag day after they see her talk to the stuffed deer head on the wall for 3 minutes.
Now you have to come up with where she works. I am sure by now she told you she was a student and not just any student but something way over the top: lawyer, doctor, genetic engineer. Get her used to the term "liberal arts" , tell her that means she will get a degree in fashion and go work for MTV. If asked what courses she is taking she is to say basic courses such as algebra, middle east studies and drama, not math, social studies , art and gym.
Come up with topics of discussion
Avoid sports. Her knowledge of sport will be based on how many couch dances she does after the Yankees win, or who tips less basketball players or hockey players. Politics is a big no no. Keep it simple like you are having career day at Hoover Elementary. Avoid words that may may be associated with sex or body parts.
Inevitably your mother will ask her about brothers and sister. This is where you and your family will need a flow chart more complex than the schematics of a lunar landing. Her relationships will consist of more halves, quarters and steps than a recipe for vegetable stew. Just let her go with it and your mother will feel sorry for her and excuse the fact that she burped, farted and tied a piece of asparagus into a know with her tongue.
Relax and just go with it
Everyone will love her and if they don't they will smile and tell you she is " spunky" Bring her around once in a while and when she is in rehab just say she is doing an internship at VH1. It may just work out and and her will be sitting in a tree K-i-s-s-i-n-g , as long as you keep coming to the club and T-i-p-p-i-n-g.
- THis is the kind of stripper that make hooker look smart
I can't get this video to play in this hub, you have to see it! check out the chair on the bed!
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Which of the following would you least like to be a stripper
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Comments
LOL! I think that they should keep stripping and forget about politics :D
If you are talking about the one in the video she is told old to strip. They wouldn't let her do a Monday day shift!
Thats almost as funny as all the blurry pictures on this site!
And youre almost as funny as your sister is wearing my jock...
I would have given up congratulations on having the right answer for the
situation.
It is little bit weird I think to take a stripper to your parent's home......
What kind in your mind??Are there no better woman than her?
Dating is not only for fun, it is your preparation to God's way that is"marriage"is n't it?
Oh come on now, strippers are people too, just like ditch diggers, lawyers, trasvesites and baboons. If god didn't want men to marry strippers he wouldn't have created paternity tests and Vas Vegas.
Where was this hub when I was dating a stripper? You're 14 years too late for me. (Great job!)
Joe if you want to put my advice to the test go find that stripper and tell her you want to give it anothet chance. I am sure she is around. Old stroppers don't die, they just go to dayshift.
LMAO! Your hub reminds me of many years ago, when mini skirts were not quite in just yet, and I wore one to my date's brother's wedding. I didn't know my date too well. By the time the night was over, he dumped me at my door and told me I was a w**re because I showed too much leg. My response to that was to throw my platform shoe into his head. The satisfaction I have today is that I can imagine what happened to him. He was an engineering student. I think his designs have been so lack-luster that he's relegated to a tiny cube in some third rate engineering design firm. HAHAHAHA! Now don't get me going about Easter.
Man, this is funny especially syaiful majid question.
Don't worry I got your back. I will contact syaiful and we will pray for you.
haha..yep!! this is so funny..
Great hub! Funny, funny, funny! =)
very entertaing hub n comments!!
Good pointers! This article should be printed and distributed to the trailer parks.
Hilarious article!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There should be more articles like this one. I can't stop grinning. :D
There should be mor epictures like yours, I cant stop drueling
She hasnt danced in 12 years??? She best stick to politics because her tities are probably wayyyy too saggy to be takin her clothes off! lol...Hysterical! Is this why Ron Paul is out??? lol
Speaking of her tities, I'd sure have liked to see that pair 12 years ago--I bet they were INCREDIBLE :)
those tits are getting more hot in here..
Ha! You had me at: "Tell you mother she has a spoon phobia, you don't want that uncomfortable 3 minutes of silence when she is staring at 2 spoons wondering which one is for soup and which one is for the coke."
This is quite funny...
But, I'd be affended if I were a stripper. I've known a few strippers and most of them are normal people trying to earn money doing what they know how to do. It's easier to grab a job as a stripper than job hunt for months. There are many that are married with kids.
Whitney thanks for the comment..But..as you say you have known a (few) strippers and you say (most) are normal people. So most of a few really isn't enough to make my story outlandishly unbelievable. There are some parts of it that are little dramatic, but based on my experience ( I have known a lot of dancers having worked in the industry for 10 years) there are some sound truthes that can be applied to not only strippers but bartenders, teachers and hub writers..ha
This is true. I bounced strip clubs for many years off and on in my past. Part of my job was making sure the ones doing the coke and dope were tossed out never to return again. ...unless they paid me well, then my job was different. But I won't get into that right now.
Working in that industry is a different world for sure. Bikers and strippers go hand in hand cuz we have the same lifestyle so it was easy for me back then. The times have changed though and you can't just mindlessly beat someones face into a mudhole anymore cuz they looked like they deserved it. People are getting sue happy in this generation. I had to quit bouncing and start climbing communication towers.... I miss them already.
I am starting to think you have an affinity for poles..every think of becoming a flag?
@Funnebone ~ Dude, your hubs are hilarious. I am pretty new to HB, so I am just going through and reading some of these. LMAO...
Thank you Ryan
Great advice - and don''t forget that stripping is an ancient profession!
I used to have several friends who were strippers in one apartment building. Their high heels kept poking holes in my linoleum. It was a bitch.
well maybe when you were having your lesbian orgy parting you should have made flipflops mandatory...like you did the hockey masks
LOL...great hub.
Very funny stuff! I worked in the industry for 7 blissful and horrible years. There's a lot of truth here. Great hub!
A funny topic that's well written. Great job
hilarious, two of my favorite types of people on this earth, strippers and waitresses. alot of similarities there, i know, but some obvious differences as well.. funny as always...
First of all, I didn't think you were going to tell our story funnebone, Now I am pissed and will throw my stilleto heels at you. Of course I will forgive you for a ten spot.
WTF CR? Were you a dancer? Here you are stripping for women (I hope) and haven't even had the group shower? Did you have it without me? I will throw high heels at your head too!
Wow, you picked a lucky lady with a coke problem, track marks, and a lethal dose of blonde-itis. Perhaps next time you shouldn't pick a stripper from a club whose motto is "Come in here to get away from the drive-by shootings." Perhaps you should fish around an escort service next time around, a really "discreet" expensive one that treats their girls like prize-winning thoroughbreds... maybe.
Thanks for the laughs. You're a twisted one... can't beat that.
haha! awesome! =D
The pix are a bit pixelated, though.
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vreccc says:
16 months ago
what a riot!!!
The second video isn't working.