How to not start fires

To avoid starting fires, follow the following rules :

• Avoid spontaneously combusting cows
• Avoid Cigarette lighters. It isn't just the cigarettes that kill you know.
• Don't answer your Mobile phone (You never know, it might just explode when you answer that call from your daughter)
• Snorggles. 'nuff said.
• DON'T try to kill your termites with fire. Leave it to the professionals. Or at least let your neighbour try it first.
• Don't use the Internets Machine; it might heat up and explode from the sheer amount of obscene pornography you view on it.