I am married to a wonderful woman for 28 years (see her here) and we have four adult sons. I cannot understand why a man can be violent and abusive towards his wife.

Yesterday I spent some time listening to a lady speak of her abusive experiences through 25 years of marriage and even continueing after 10 years of divorce. Her ex-husband even now manipulates their adult daughters against their mother. She was asking for my response. I advised her not to react or resist but to ask how her daughters are doing. Reacting to the verbal abuse is playing into the abusers hands. (but maybe this is stuff for another Hub).

What makes a man who was once attracted to a woman to turn to violence and beat her and abuse her and control her? What does he think? And how can we stop him? From my observations I offer the following indications to help you become aware of an abused woman, for she will never talk about it until she feels her life is in danger.

1. She never has much to say, he does all the talking.

2. She never has money, he controls the money and she must beg him if she needs something.

3. He over loads his wife and children with gifts.

4. He uses luvy dovey sloppy comments in public to his "darling" wife.

5. He confides about his wife's hysteria and violence.

6. She makes excuses to leave for home early.

7. He frequently changes friends and jobs <- big indicator here.

These indicators are typical of couples living in abusive circumstances. If you recognise these in anyone you know then take steps to get her out of that life threatening situation. Abused women will normally deny any abuse and marks from beatings are normally hidden. So what can you do? I suggest the following:

- have a group of men confront the abusive husband. This probably won't work but it will show if your suspicians are correct or not. He will deny it and probably talk of his wife's hysteria. Then he will quickly begin a campaign to blacken those men's names. When this happens you know you've got one!

- have a group of men and women who know the guy's wife well, visit her while he is away. Offer her your support and state that you know of her situation (don't ask her about it). Then offer her a choice of safe havens where she can lie low in safety until she has legal separation and court orders to protect her. Watch the reactions of the man, he will begin to accuse and threaten all involved. Don't be alarmed, it is mostly hot air.

Maybe you know of someone who has been in an abusive situation or you have been in one yourself. What would you suggest to help these women, living in fear until the fear of death drives them away? How can we help them and their children before it goes on and on for years?

http://www.wingsofchangelife.com
http://www.jmurdoch.com/