While splitting up can be costly, the emotional rollercoaster is thrown in for free.

The shouting matches are over, doors are shut, broken glass and torn photos swept up, and the separation is finalised.

What follows is a whirlwind of painful sacrifices, shame, inconveniences, tedious legal matters, depression and emotional roller coasters that hit you in the face - often unexpectedly, and unexpectedly badly too.

What divorced women go through is often more acute than what they would let on, especially in the first year after they've called it quits with their spouses.

Here are some honest insights and solutions from women who've experienced security slipping from under their feet.

After a woman makes the painful decision to split from her spouse, practical problems will plague her. For a start, Home Sweet Home suddenly becomes Home Sweet Hell. People who divorce often prefer to sell their house along with its memories and shift to another location. They don't want to be reminded of the past.

Sinking new roots and starting afresh is a healthy step forward for new divorcees. But some are pushed to uproot for uncomfortable reasons.

Falling asleep in a strange place alone wasn't easy. Others simply had to move because they could no longer afford to stay in their matrimonial home on a single income; especially if there are little ones in tow.

"Inside, them they felt like dying... but outside. They tried to inject some excitement into the act of removing house"

Needless to say, finances are a major worry for women after divorce.

Divorced women, especially those with children, to be more reliant on them because it'll be very tedious for them if they're simply dependent on the maintenance fees

Planning ahead for impending singlehood once the separation was confirmed, so getting a job is of utmost importance for newly divorced women who have been totally dependent on their ex-husbands throughout the marriage. Besides ensuring that there'll be food on the table. it'll also boost one's confidence. When you start doing things for yourself and feel the power of control over your own life as you spend your own money, emotional issues will not weigh so heavily on the heart. A new job will also bring with it a new social life and even prospective partners, but getting back into the job market after being a homemaker for so many years can be challenging.

Divorcees who are looking for jobs on their own are not advised to put forth their sob stories to potential employers in the hope of getting a job. What employers want are skills and abilities. Leave your sad stories for the counsellors.

Another challenge for newly divorced women has to face up to friends and relatives, even colleagues, who wonder why you haven't discussed your husband lately. Answering questions from a nosey neighbour or distant aunt can be a challenge.

In Asian society where social support for the divorced woman is insufficient more often than not, outsiders jump to conclusions and gossip about why her marriage failed, assume that she probably didn't look after her husband well enough, and may even be suspicious about her character.

So in the first year or so after separation, these women tend to cut down on social events like weddings and birthdays because they're not prepared to face others asking questions and stirring up the past.

Divorced woman simply avoided her ex-husband's common friends so that she could escape queries. But some decided to face the problem head on but they will still feel uncomfortable with the way the others acknowledged them by her married name.

But what if the problem's closer to home, like your conservative parents who think divorce is shameful and won't say a word to relatives about your failed marriage

You gave yourself time to heal, so give your parents some time to accept the fact as well. They will eventually tell your relatives when they're ready.

The same goes for ex-in-laws who bear a grudge against you for the divorce. After they have reconciled with their anger they will become more objective, especially if they want to continue to play a role in your children's lives.

Going to court... or not and what about the added stress of having to go through a tedious series of court procedures, that can range from six months till who knows how long? If the couple can afford to, and there was a lot of bitterness involved in the divorce, they'd fight for things like the house and custody of the children for as long as they can to cause the other party to suffer, to see who wins the battle

You just have to be strong. Indeed, when the couple fights for the rights to the children and maintenance fees, it can be a long and tiring process. But stick with it because you're entitled to those rights under the law. It's all part of the process. Don't give up just because you're tired of fighting.

To save yourself the unnecessary trouble of having insufficient evidence to support your claims about your ex-husband in court, gather them before he even gets an inkling of the impending divorce. For instance, photocopy his credit card bills and payslips to prove that he has enough money to pay a substantial amount of maintenance.

Sometimes, the proceedings drag on because of those vulnerable moments when one believes that maybe, just maybe, they could work a little hit harder and the marriage could work. Grabbed that chance because you desperately wanted to make things work for your kids, but it wasn't meant to be.

With all these emotional see-sacs, false hopes, financial woes, anger and hurt that seem to be unending, picking up the pieces after a failed marriage is an uphill battle that leads man, women to succumb to depression.

Seek medical help when you begun to feel that life was meaningless after failing in a relationship you had invested so much in.

But this dark period as temporary and transition, they start to steel themselves, or simply draw strength from your friends and family.

To bear the consequences of a divorce alone and quietly remained strong for you kids. Still, it is alright for one to have a grieving period. It is natural for one to doubt oneself after a divorce, so give you some time to get over it.

US author Margaret Kent, who wrote How to Marry the Man of Your Choice, thinks women feel so hurt right after the divorce that their immediate instinct is to find somebody who will help with their self-esteem. She calls that someone the Improper Lover.

He is fulfilling a psychological need which is not a long-term need; it's a two-year need at most. Once the woman builds her self-esteem and ego, then he's not good enough for her anymore.

Dating the Improper Lover is fine if a woman is wary of men and relationships, and is merely seeking male affirmation. But if and when she's serious about finding a life partner again, she could do with some honesty with herself and her prospective suitors.

• Come clean about their marital status as soon as there are hints of romance ("I'm separated but still married") so the man can make a fair decision on how the evening will end. Leave details of the matrimonial fallout till both parties are more familiar with each other.
• Be neutral when talking about the ex-partner (if you're too emotional, it's a clear sign that you're not over him).
• Be clear about what you want out of the new relationship - is it temporary companionship or a lasting and fruitful union-

But if getting back in the saddle looks like a hard climb, imagine hiking with your children in tow.

In the many cases which almost be a dead end for a divorced woman who has custody of the children. She carries a lot of burden on her shoulders, like insecurity, and the emotional and financial well-being of her children, which can put men off.

Most men would view a woman with children as a liability. When divorced women first serious relationship ended up her boyfriend couldn't handle being with a woman who has kids not of his own. So the next time a man approached her couldn't bear to tell him that she's recently divorced and had children at home with the maid. They simply had no courage. They can't face the rejection when he finds out about her status.

Then again, there are men who find women with children particularly attractive. If there's something positive a woman can get out of a divorce, we say it's the strength to fight another day.