How Can I Tell A Close Friend I Am In Love With Him?
78How do you tell a friend you are in love with him or her? This is a very hard choice because it can result in rejection and ruining a good friendship. However, the one time I told a friend I was in love with him I did not regret it because even though we did not get married, it ended up being one of the best dating experiences of my life. There is no advance preparation needed for telling a friend you love him, just drop in casual conversation and see how he responds. When I finally admitted to my friend that I was in love with him we were at a luau, so it could be anywhere and at anytime. However, if you are a true romantic you could arrange to have a romantic dinner, which might help your friend figure out what the message is trying to be conveyed. These are just a few of my suggestions because I believe in saying what I feel and sharing my emotions, but if someone does not want to say those things they do not have too. If I truly am in love with my friend I feel I have nothing to lose by letting him know.
Honestly I hope if and when I do get married that I am friends with the man first because I feel it is easier to get along with someone when you are their friend. If you are dating a man that is not your friend, what do the two of you really have in common? This was the question Carrie Bradshaw asked herself before she went off to Europe with Alek during the last season of Sex And The City. For years she had had an on and off relationship with Big, but he had always backed away when Carrie told him she wanted more. Thus, Carrie decided to make a commitment to Alek because he offered her what Big could not, even though it is very clear that these two have nothing in common. Yes I know Sex And The City is fiction and this is a real life issue, but many of the issues women dealt with on this show are true to life struggles of dating as a single woman. Sometimes people are friends for years and then one day they realize they are meant to be together. This is not always the norm and I would not wait around for my friend to marry me, but there are exceptions to every rule. Many long-term friendships eventually do become relationships that lead to marriage.
Big preferred to be Carrie's friend, so they started up an unconventional friendship that lasted through several seasons after they failed romance. Although this may not be the typical friendship most women and men have, I feel Carrie and Big are representative of those people who are friends and then become lovers because in the end it does work out between them. Since Big did not want to commit she went on with her life and eventually moved to France with Alek. Carrie learned in France that Alek was too engrossed in his art work and that she would never be a priority in his life, and Big finally realized that he wanted to have a real relationship with Carrie. So even though Big had rejected Carrie in the beginning, he eventually realized that she was the one he wanted to be with. If you have enjoyed the series you might enjoy watching the movie Sex in the City because it deals with many of these real life issues, but this movie is for adults and not recommended for children.
Intervew With Chris Noth AKA Mr. Big
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Although I do not agree with all the lifestyle choices that the women in Sex In The City make, I have always found this show to be a humorous and candid look at the life, love, and friendship. One thing I think women can learn from their friendships is that love is not and end all and be all in your life. So if you have a male friend that you love you should not be afraid to tell how you feel. If he is your true friend there is not risk involved and he will never say or do anything purposely to hurt you. Both of you will be able to work through any hard feelings and a strong friendship will remain in place if there was a real friendship to begin with. However, if this person was not really your friend in the first place that is the only time he or she would become offended or act rude. You may be surprised and it may turn out your friend has loved you for years and was just waiting for the right moment to come clean.
People should keep in mind that friendship lasts longer and "romantic love" is often fleeting. After a few years of marriage the type of love a couple shares is based more on respect, mutual trust, and friendship, which shows that in the long run a strong friendship is important in every romantic relationship. Even though I was willing to take the plunge and let my friend know that he loved me, that does not mean every woman or man should do this.
Only say these words if you:
- You will have no regrets.
- See signs that he or she thinks the pair of you as a couple.
- Know that this is a solid friendship that cannot be destroyed by a disagreement or misunderstanding.
Also, it is important to remember that love is not the end all and be all in life and women can rely on their friends to be there for them and to care for them, even when they are single or married. Life does not revolve around romance, but we should not be afraid to express our feelings or romance for someone we truly love. Also, I wanted to address the comment someone made in the comment section by contending my friend was not in love with me because that was simply not the case. I never admitted he did not reciprocate the love, what I said was we decided the relationship was not going to work out. Grounded individuals are able to admit when something is not working and quit while they are ahead. If a person is your friend and you decide begin a relationship, who knows, it may turn out to be a story book ending. However, if it does not work out a true friend will remain your friend and have no hard feelings. The friendship may have some problems at first, but talking things through will resolve many issues that can arise. In the end I feel there is nothing to lose by taking the plunge and telling your friend that you love him.
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Comments
Sorry but friendship between a man and a woman doesn't exist. It doesn't matter what you say LOL
William,
Thanks for offering a differing viewpoint. Honestly I do not believe it is ever redundant to tell someone you love them if this is truly how you feel. The reason I blurted out to him "I Love You" is because this is my style and I do not believe in holding things back. When I am in love with someone I am not afraid to express my feelings and emotions, but I did not expect the same in return. Every one is different, but I tend to identify more closely with men who are not afraid to express their feelings and emotions. I am still great friends with this person and it only did not work out because in the long run we realized we were better as just being friends. So in my experience this truly was the best thing that ever happened to me dating wise because in that relationship I did have many things in common with the man.However, I do understand you viewpoint and no one should have to say I love you because being a coupled should be established first. With everyone I have ever dated we knew we were a couple and our friends knew too, so that has never been the issue for me :).
Jacobworld,
Well many women and men have friendships, so if it these do not exist I am surprised there are so many men and women who are friends:). One of my closest friends has a friend who is a guy and they get along great.
Jacob.. dont agree with you here mate. I surely have many female friends and in fact they are my best friends. There is no stone unturned, we know each other's partnes and get along very well together. Every man and woman does not have sex on their mind all the time - if that was what you were hinting upon.
Thanks Stooge for offering this point because I know many men and women who are just friends. Good point.
I beg to differ as well, Jacobworld. There are a number of female friends I have and they are dear to me. I don't feel attracted to them sexually, but I cherish the intimacy shared among good and close friends. In fact, I find it easier to have in-depth and personal conversations with my female friends than with my male friends.
Good point Ananta. I to sometimes find it is easier to talk to male friends about certain things I cannot share with my female friends.
In fact, to let out a secret, some of my female friends even talk about their most intimate issues - for example, sex life, issue with husbands or children - even problems with their periods - sometimes details are a bit graphical as well. Still, there never is an awkward moment or discomfort. We know that talking about intimate things will not necessarily attract us towards each other sexually. Love will !!
Another observation from personal experience on the issue addressed in this hub - The single female friends I have keep joking about a romantic alliance with me - its all in good fun. And who knows one of them may even be seriously considering about it, may be she is just sizing up my feelings for her by presenting it as a joke. SweetiePie - if ever I fall in love with one of these friends, the biggest problem I would face is credibility. That is because we have joked so much about getting romantically attached to each other that if someone is genuinely giving a hint, we would tend to think it was a joke as usual. How do we tackle such situations? To convince your friend that you are genuinely in love and not pulling a prank is something that will kill the sweetness of approaching your beloved. Do you have any thoughts to share on this?
It is a sticky situation. Perhaps you would have to spend time with her one on one and start taking things to the next level, such as offering to take her to dinner? However, I do not think it will ruin your credibility with her as long as you are able to show her that are sincere and mean right by her. My sister and her husband joke with each other more like friends and they have the romance too, which I think has kept their relationship strong over the years. However, I am not an expert on this as I am single, so maybe we should asked some married people what they think :).
William: My mate and I say "I love you" to each other very often, because we both are expressive, and it reminds us to never take each other for granted, and he is not afraid of showing his loving emotions, a trait I value very much as most of the men I was involved with were not expressive.
Sweetipie: My partner and I are best friends, fell in love with each other's soul, so its more of a deep friendship than a romantic one,(though we do have romance at times) and I love it because there is trust, stability, mutual sharing and support, things I didn't have in my past relationship which was more superficial.
Thumbs up to this hub!
VioletSun,
I think it sounds like you have a wonderful balance in your relationship and that is a great thing. If I have a future long term relationship I want it to be like this.
VioletSun, I agree. Saying "I love you" can never be redundant. In fact, saying it often enough will imprint the feeling in the subconscious and strengthens the relationship.
Many people have both male and female friends. And this type of friendship often lasts longer than marriages these days. I believe in being honest. What is the point of thinking or feeling something if you cannot be honest about it. So yes I agree tell them.
If it doesnt work out at least you know you were honest and maybe it wasnt to be.
I am so flattered...you wrote this HUB about me didnt you...you are so cute you liitle poo bear you!!!
Actually don't say anything to a guy...we know...we are instinctual....just let it takes its path
Nice hub, sweetiepie. Sex and The City is also one of my favorite shows. Haven't seen the movie yet, but I certainly will. By the way, I hope you didn't write this hub for funnebone. Right? Cuz you're not allowed to do that! Funnebone is mine only ;-) LOL
Funnebone,
You know I love you, but I cannot have you because you belong to another lady. However, you will always make me laugh! Your hubs are so funny and I love them.
Om Paramapoonya,
Thanks for the nice comments. The Sex And The City movie was very surprising, but it was actually everything they said it was. I ended up crying at certain parts of the movie, but that is because I was happy for the characters, which shows you how much I like this series. I hope you enjoy it when you see it.
Another woman?....I have no other woman!...if I did my socks would match, my toilet wouldn't be an earth tone instead of white and I would cancel my subscription to " Hotbusdriversoftaiwan.com"
Funnebone,
This is one of the best comments yet.
wow...what is the big deal here? I believe when the Right one comes along you know it..there is no doubt..and remember "good things come to those who wait" and though my 'soulmate' after 33 years decided to go for a younger woman I still love him very much...things change and stuff happens...G-Ma :o) hugs
Woh,So much discussion on telling a hearty word.Between me and my kladyfriends this much thinking didn't take place at all! we simply said it when we felt it.!
Prasadjain,
I agree it is not a big deal. I think it has to do with whether you are a rigid or open person. A structured person may feel they can only express love once they are in a long term relationship or marriage, but who is to say that relationship will last? Also, who is to say my love for my friend when he became my boyfriend was not real because only him and I knew what transpired between us and no one else can determine that. My thinking is if you are not so afraid of saying you love someone that you have nothing to lose and much more to gain. Why is the word love so heavily guarded? Also, there are many different types of love and loving someone does not have to be defined by traditional stereotypes. I also like what G-ma had to say on this issue. Thanks for pointing this out :).
well I think its a different out come when a man finds out a lady friend is in love with him I think the out come will be good, when a lady finds out a guy friend is in love with them it could go ethier way give it a go though all that could happen is rejection. I dont think he will turn you down!great topic sweetepie~cool~cya
Paul,
Thanks for commenting and I agree the only thing that could happen is rejection, which is not scary and just a point of life.
Good Sweetie.
Thank you Guidebaba!
having the courage to express what one feels toward another and being ready to face the consequence takes a lot of maturity. good for you. go girl!
very nice post...very informative too. i'm of the opinion that you should always be honest...afterall we can all be mature adults right? A very close friend taught me to always let the person you like know your feelings for them. Life is too short and you never know what may happen at any moment. Something are not best left unsaid in my opinion. This doesnt necessarily mean that you must act on words, for example if that person is married...as long as you're honest about whether you'd consider a relationship or not, the worst that could come out is that you're still good friends. In most cases, it has only made my friendships stronger. I guess sometimes in life, it just brings someone joy to know they're loved, and joy to someone who knows that the someone they love knows it :)
KaranM,
Thank you for sharing you insights.
I have enjoyed reading your hub and the dialogue following very much. I find the dilemma provocative. I happen to know someone who has deep feelings for a friend, and would very much like to confess them. Timing, however, can be a sensitive issue as well. The friend she would like to explore her feelings with is still in the throws of resolving an unhealthy romantic relationship with another with whom they know there is no future. And the feelings, however unhealthy, run deep and the morass is thick. They just have not been able to end it. Even so, at the same time, my friend still feels that her friend does have feelings for her as well. She just doesn't know if they're ready. One wonders if the timing will ever be right. I hope so for their sake. The feelings are deep and the friendship very special.
Cranston, I hope everything works out for your friends. Thanks for commenting.
tough situation! i just say follow your heart!
Timing and tact are important but life is short. If you have something to say, say it. If something is meant to be, it will be. I know that sounds like platitude or cliché, but it's still true. Timidity seldom reaps reward.
Sadonna: It is hard. One does have to follow their heart-
and
Shadesbreath: I agree. Life is short! And timidity seldom reaps rewards. But, commonsense and sensitivity to circumstances are important too. It would be a shame to blow something potentially wonderful merely because one isn't quite in the right place yet. It's a tough call. Telling her friend might just be the catalyst required. But, it could cause a shut-down too.
Good points made by everyone.
I agree about common sense and sensitivity, in my head I had that filed under timing and tact. But my point is... and in keeping with the clichés because there's so many useful ones when it comes to love... they say all is fair in love and war. There's an ironic parallel between them. But one huge difference is that in war, you should err on the side of caution; in love, you should err on the side of chance. That's my know-it-all second set of two cents. lol.
Fun hub, btw SweetiePie.
It is indeed possible for men and women to be simply friends. It is more unusual, though, for those who have been romantically involved to shift gears to friendship. But, it can also be very rewarding when that happens.
Wonderful hub! :-) :-) :-)
I agree with you shadesbreath. Life is just too darn short, and if one is going to err it should be on the side of chance. No doubt. I guess it's just easier said than done sometimes. :)
Shadesbreath,
I likely your analysis of the differences between love and war and these are so right on!
Pagan Crafter,
Good points made here!
Cranston,
Thanks again for pointing out life is too short because it simply is :).
So true. Romantic love fades in most marriages. If a marriage is based on friendship, respect will remain. Great friendship should be the basis of marriage...for women, I believe. Its difficult to follow your head and not your heart when it comes to decisions, but the writers for Carrie got it right. She expressed her feelings, moved on when he didn't commit, and remained open to the friendship, which was the lasting part of thier relationship.
I was going to make a Stephen King joke right there about Carrie, but decided it might be out of keeping with the mood. :P
Robin,
Thanks for the comment.
Shadesbeath,
Now I want to know what the joke it :).
I was dating a man for 8 months and i broke it off with him because he was always busy and he couldnt stick with plans. A month later we started talking again and he begged me to stay friends with him. I was not angry at him or had any gruges against him because he always treated me with respect. The only reason i broke with him is because i didnt think our relationship was working. We are now friends but i have really strong feelings for him and i cant simply stay friends only. We have loads incommon and we get along really really well but my feelings are getting stronger for him. I want to tell him how i feel but i dont want to lose him altogether. Please help....This Hub is great...Thanks SweetiePie..:o)
Msbrownsugar20,
Thanks for the comments. All I can suggest is do not to be afraid to tell him because if he is worth having you will not lose him because you told him you loved him. However, you have to decide whether he will make a commitment and have staying power. Honestly I think there is nothing wrong with telling a friend you love them, as long as you feel it is right for you. Anyone who says differently is just being slightly judgemental. Follow your heart and make the right decision for you. I wish you all the best.
i read what all yall was saying cause im going through some of the same things and i really need some advice. basically there is a guy i knew since i was bout 5 we went to middle school and high school together I always had a little crush on him since middle school but kept it secret. Then in high school i basically moved on. And he moved, now i ran into him recently after 5yrs and all these strong feelings are still there but more intense. i been dreaming bout him constantly. i really want to tell him how i feel but i dont know how he would take it. Should i tell him how i feel?
Invite him out for coffee or a slightly date like situation, which will allow you to gauge his feelings also. If he says he wants to see more of you, then agree and let him know how you feel about it.
I base this on most things:
Life shouldn't be measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Very sage advice surviveprison :).
I came across this hub because I need advice with a similar situation. I have a friend that I love and I'm not sure hpw to tell him. People keep saying to tell because it's better to know for sure than to keep wondering about what could be. i would love to have the courage to follow this advice. I'm just at a loss for how to tell him. any suggestions?
unknown,
I would suggest casually dropping that you like him, and then let him make the next move. In coversation when he says something cute or charming just say "I really like you," and then see how he responds. This is enough of a hint for him to get it, and if he does not do anything after that then it is easy to leave things as a frienship only. If he decides he likes you then he will let you now sure enough after that.
Hi SP, I followed you over to your own hub! This is a great topic. I like the advice you gave to Unknown above. Saying, "I really like you" is a great door opener. It leaves open the possibility of more -- but also the possibility of keeping things the way they are. My fear with blurting out 'I love you' to a friend is catching them off guard and making them feel uncomfortable. I've been on the receiving end of that and it made it really, really weird for me. There was no way I felt the same way about this guy as he felt about me. But I did love him as a friend. If you're really close with a friend, chances are you have a good sense of where his/her head is at romantically. If you know he/she is pining away for someone else, it's probably not a good idea to spring "I love you" on them. I guess in the end it comes down to what feels right for your personality. And also, are you prepared to accept the consequences either way -- rejection is possible, too. Would you rather stay friends than risk losing the friendship?
You present some very good points Mighty Mom. When I told my friend I liked him we already had been sort of flirting, but in the end it did not work out, so some might say it is not worth the gamble of risking the friendship. When I wrote this I was in a different place and I think I believe more in love in my own life, but today I do not see any love coming my way any time soon. Today would I tell a friend I loved him? Probably not.
Great hub SweetiePie. This topic is close to my heart because I have in the past told two friends how I felt about them. One was a guy who has been one of my best friends for the past few years. He was completely oblivious to it and in the end was very hard because he did not feel the same way, but since then our friendship has grown leaps and bounds. The last time this happened, again my feelings were not felt by the guy and I thought that our friendship that we had would be over. Basically a year passed, he was away at school and since his return, our friendship has really blossomed. Though both times were hard for me, because I was rejected, in the end my relationships with these two guys really grew and have been the best they have ever been. I'm back to the same situation with another friend but I've made different choices and I know that know matter does happen whenever we have that talk one day, our relationship is going to get better.
Lou Lou,
I am glad you have great friendships. It is good for us to realize that not every relationship or friendship has to go a certain way and to be open to possibilities. Thanks for sharing your positive attitude.
When my best friend told me that he was in love with me, I reacted the way that he wanted me to, but I really was not feeling the same the way. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. We ended up getting married. He was okay with it, but I was miserable. Just be sure that if you are the friend that is being told those special words, you are honest. Don't say them back if you really don't mean them. Be respectful of each other's feelings and everything will be fine.
Oh, yeah! Men and women can too be friends. I know a guy that has been one of my best friends for twenty-five years.
Tootles!!
Very sound advice Nayberry.
I told a couple of friends that I was interested in them and the feeling wasn't mutural, one was on the job, the other was the place that I used to hang out. It hurt but I didn't let them see it. When it comes to someone that you see often you just have to learn to deal with it and be nice. We still remained friends. It's a chance that you take either way.
Barbara
annb106,
Yeah I am not sure I will tell any more friends if I love them. In the past I do not regret doing this, but I am playing a bit more hard to get these days. If they like me too I will leave it up to them to say. I still think it is perfectly admirable to share your romantic feelings with your crush because they could always be on the shy side. Some men are shy and cannot easily tell women how they feel.
I too told my best friend for 11 years that I loved them.
It was hard and the timing was off... way off. However, I just couldn't keep it in any longer. At the time I told him I had very recently separated from my husband, he had a g/f and lived on the other side of the country. It was probably the WORST time to even tell him. But I did.
He was quite sympathetic and understanding and with much diplomacy he responded in kind. Telling me that yes I like you. But the circumstances were as such that he was unable to reciprocate. He also didn't think that it would be wise to put me in any position that I would get hurt and/or interfere with my present relationships. If things were different... who knows. Who knows? That was probably the worst thing to tell someone - leaving that door open. Ouch!
I was heartbroken. Destroyed. Our friendship ceased almost immediately as my ego got the better of me and I got pretty angry at him out of a fear of vulnerability and rejection. He took it all in. All the drama... and me pointing out every flaw that he had. He was a better friend than I deserve.
Most recently, I started dating again... and the pressure was off in terms of pursuing anything beyond the platonic with him. That was when it hit me. I was being so selfish by being a friend in his life given my disclosure. If I was his g/f how would I feel if someone like me was in his life? So I told him that I had to bow out of our friendship... something I cherished so that he could pursue the love he had without me jeopardizing it. It was hard but it needed to be done. He ceased all contact with me thereafter. It was hard. Very hard. To be in love with someone who closed the door but his silence makes me happy in that I know he is in love and fulfilled.
As of late, I broke down and emailed him and he responded quite enthusiastically. He had broken up with the g/f; was moving close to my city and had only shared this fact with myself and his family. Perhaps all he needed was time and space for clarity. I dunno. Only time will tell. He has officially moved... sent me a postcard from his move roadtrip and has already invited me to hangout with him after rearranging a trip to accomodate my schedule. Platonic? I have no idea but he was explicit in stating that "this means I am taking you out on Saturday". Given what he knows of me...and where I am emotionally... I think he was waiting for the right time to pursue something with me. He wanted to give me time to enjoy singlehood... find myself again... and heal. A true friend.
We shall take it slow and see where this goes. If at all.
So I guess a good news story for this hub :) I shall keep you posted.
vice_chix,
I hope all goes well for both of you. Maybe you can even come back and write a few hubs on your experiences. I appreciate your story!
Spilling your guts about the love thing is definitely risky business. Best to just get it out there and suffer or enjoy the consequences. If I wasn't a cartoon, I wouldn't say anything.
Very true sentiments Jess!
As promised an update regarding my weekend date with my best friend. He called me this week to confirm our plans for the weekend. He also confirmed with much directness that yes it was a date.
After we spend the day together watching a pro sport event he has asked if i would join him at his house so that he can cook dinner for me. I asked if i could assist - but he said he wants me to relax and be my beautiful self while he cooks for me. He also mentioned several times that I was the one person that knew the "real" him and that he wanted an intimate place for us to talk. He closed our conversation by saying that he was looking forward to our day together.
All good signs I think!
vice_chix,
Glad to hear things are progressing nicely.
Good afternoon.
As promised here is my update as per my hub comments Earth Angel.
I had a marvelous weekend with my best friend. One of the most romantic and intimate times I ever spent with a man.
It was indeed a date and his romantic intentions were apparent. After we went out for the afternoon to a sporting event we went back to his home where he cooked me dinner, we reminesced and listened to music. It was a great atmosphere filled with food, wine and laughter. An incredible bonding time.
We were planning to go out after... and it was raining so we decided to hang back before going out. That was when he took my hand and kissed me.
We made love with the rain pouring outside all night. He held my hand the entire time. It was so real and so different than anything we have ever shared. He held me until late morning in his arms. Made me breakfast... and we made love a final time before he departed. But this time...he was emotionally moved.
We have rekindled our once fleeting love.
After we departed last night... he kissed me goodbye... and has already emailed me telling me that "Yes, we will be catching up again very soon!" Plans are in the works for us to spend some time together in about 3 weeks (as we currently live 300 km apart).
He went out of his way to show me how kind, gentle and intimate he could be. I guess some things do change in time...
vice_chix,
It sounds like all is going well for you. I enjoy you updating us with your story, it is like reading a good book. I look forward to hearing more about your new romance.
William F. Torpey says:
18 months ago
This is way outside my area of competence, Sweetie Pie, but I have always believed it isn't necessary to blurt out "I love you" unexpectedly. When two people are friends they normally spend a lot of time together, and I think it's also important that they intermingle with his friends and her friends so that it's clear to everyone that there's a definite relationship between the two. Over time, friends make inferences that the two are "a couple" and there's no secret that the two are on their way to the church. By that time, saying "I love you" is almost redundant.