How To Tell if Someone is Lying

Are you one of those people who suspects but is never quite certain when people are trying to 'put one over on you'? Do you often wonder if that salesperson who tells you 'the car was only driven by a little old lady to church on Sundays' is yanking your chain? Are you suspicious of but unable to prove that your partner may in fact be visiting a local pub when they tell you they are "at the library researching something to write about on Hubpages?"

If so you may find the following checklist helpful.

1. The 'Self-Squeeze'

is the person holding themselves tightly, as though giving themselves a 'group hug'? ; clamping their hands between or underneath their legs; freezing into a ice-statue pose or generally just giving the impression of a 'deer caught in your headlights on a dark night'?

-are they unexpectedly animated; excessively articulating things? Do they suddenly begin to blabber on, rambling as if they were being paid by the word, like someone on The Shopping Channelselling Zerkonian jewellery?

-do they appear to be too hot; opening their collar;wiping their hands, even though you are both sitting in a meat locker in your bathing suits at the time? (as unlikely a scenario as they may be...)

-does the person look everywhere but at you? Do they seem to want to avoid eye-contact at all costs, preferring to gaze up at the ceiling fixtures as if they were all of a sudden the most interesting objects on the planet?

-does the person look sheepish and wide-eyed? Do they bat their eyelashes at a speed high enough to create a small breeze in your direction?

-is the person looking just slightly up and to their right as they speak? If so this is evidence that their eyes are accessing a part of the brain that stores imaginative data rather than real memories of actual facts. It is also evidence of lying because you cannot tell the truth if you are simultaneously creating it!

-also known as 'the Pinocchio Effect' this is when the person finds it necessary to lay a finger aside their nose, making it appear they have a longer nose than normal, hence the term 'Pinocchio'.

It should be noted that Santa also 'lays a finger aside his nose' but the difference here is that he uses it to levitate himself up the chimney, not to lie more effectively. Santa never lies, except when he is stealing cookies from the cookie jar and Mrs. Clause catches him...but that is another story.

-finally does the person place their hand over their mouth or face? This is a very obvious clue that they, poor saps, are attempting to 'obfuscate by muffling', (the O.B.M. Effect) which has been known to fool almost nobody but is nevertheless attempted as a last ditch effort to wriggle out of a lie that has taken on a life of it's own.

And don't we all know that feeling?

If you keep a copy of this checklist on a piece of paper and place it in your wallet/purse, you will have it handy to consult anytime you suspect someone is 'telling you a fib', giving you a 'cock and bull story' or otherwise concocting a tale that sounds like it is coming from the mouth of Richard Nixon rather than Mother Theresa. Don't worry if they ask you what is on the paper. Just make up something.

Just lie.

The 37th President of the United States of America, RICHARD NIXON, converted to "Pinocchio" (look at the shadow of his nose!) the famous puppet to which the nose grew every time lying. Shortly before having to resign as a result of the Watergate scandal, Nixon said: "I reject the cynical view that politics is a dirty business. People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook. I earned everything I've got" (!) NIXON PUPPET by rizzato