So. You've fallen in love with a girl. And you want this lovely maiden to feel the same passion, ardour, and any other feelings you may have for her, back. What do you do? Girls can be picky picky picky people. They may simply adore you, but if you don't match up to their (exTREMEly specific) criteria, they may stick you right in the Friend Zone, and eventually ask you to set them up with any cute friends you might have.

I'm guessing you do not want this.

So, how do you win this girl's heart?

Girls are rather ridiculous creatures. It's true, they're very silly and try their best to complicate things, and when they speak their mind all you hear is a lot of flowery nonsense. They will never say they have a problem, it's always going to be an ‘issue'. If their relationships are not going as well as they'd planned, they'll tell you it's ‘complicated'. And of course, you've all decoded the TRUE meaning of ‘We need to talk' (Girls are one step ahead of you, fellows. We've begun to use this to scare you every time you get too cocky).

To really win a girl's heart, you have to be a master decoder. Get your act together, do your homework, OBSERVE. Observation, my fine friends, is key. Before you begin with your pursuit of this charming lady, you have to know things about her. I'm not saying shadow her as she walks sedately down the cereal aisle. There will be no stalking, please. What you need to do is, know her likes and dislikes. This is so important, I'm going to repeat it in capitals: KNOW HER LIKES AND DISLIKES. This information will be invaluable to you. You have no idea how touched a girl can get if a guy gives her something she secretly really wanted on her birthday. Or if he takes her somewhere she really loves, on a special occasion. Or if he even brings her her favourite kind of ice cream when she is depressed (beware, men, if she is on a diet and has been trying to avoid it, you may get hit, or even end up sporting some fine nail marks around the vicinity of your eyes).

Another thing that would be extremely helpful is perceptivity. It's not hard to be perceptive, really. It's all down to observation, again. If you aren't all that perceptive by nature, read up a little on things like body language (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus MIGHT help, but not all that much). If you understands how she feels about stuff, that would get you into the running very easily. If you can sense by a woman's tone if she is homesick, or tired, or feeling a bit under the weather, and then do something to cheer her up, there are some very serious brownie points in store for you.

Next requirement: romance. For God's sake, don't look at a magnificent orange sunset and go ‘oh, I expect the gamma rays are hitting the ozone molecules and emitting faint ion beams right about now', in a thoughtful tone. NO. Refrain, please. You'd do far better if, instead, you commented on how the light brings out the highlights in her hair. Careful, don't veer past romantic into cheesy. Just tell her how beautiful YOU think she looks, not what you think she wants to hear. No ‘you've got lovely eyes', unless you can explain to her exactly what about them you think is lovely.

Make her laugh. If you've got a sense of humour, great! If you haven't, cultivate one somehow. Or read up on jokes, whatever (just make sure they're tasteful. There's a difference between guys'-poker-night jokes and make-your-girlfriend-giggle-her-seemly-giggle jokes). If you can make her laugh when she's not in a good mood, that's a terrific bonus. If you're the ONLY person who can make her laugh when she's in a bad mood, you've pretty much won her heart already.

Make her feel special. Girls LOVE to feel special. Personalize anything you give her. Write her a song (only if you're generally good at this sort of thing!) If you love her, you have to show her that she's the only one for you. Be articulate. Tell her how much she means to you, what you love so much about her, how she makes you feel. Tell her you love watching her, or listening to her. Tell her how much the little things she does are beautiful. The littler the things, the better. Go with stuff like how she tucks her hair behind her ear, or the elegant way she puts on, say, a bangle. It would be nice if it were a feminine thing like the ones I mentioned, this'll make her feel nice and attractive. (Notice I said be ARTICULATE, not be VERBOSE. Don't write novels and treatises and encyclopaedias about how she tosses her head when she's annoyed. You don't want to bore the poor woman).

Lastly, be nice. Be nice to her friends, be nice to the poor, be nice to the aged, and be nice to children. If you're cruel, or impatient, or self-centred, or vain, there goes your chance at being anybody's knight in shining armour. After all, who heard of a knight with a head too swollen for his helmet? Imagine it, his forehead, poppin' outta that visor... Be nice, be gentlemen, BE THAT KNIGHT. (Notice, again, I said ‘nice', not ‘pushover'. Don't let old ladies make you do their shopping just coz they're old ladies. If you let yourself get bullied, you are going to show your lady friend what a loser you are. No good. You can push Old Lady's shopping cart, though, that's all right.)

Yeah, Just a few ideas that you could combine for a surefire route to a girl's heart. Have a good day, and the best of luck to you.