How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

I'm going to post the same caveat at the start of this hub that I did in my related hub, "Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship", because it bears repeating:

Although the majority of domestic abuse survivors are women, men often find themselves in abusive relationships as well. Sadly, men are less likely to step forward and get help during and after the relationship; the shame of having allowed oneself to be abused by a woman (or another man) is just too great in our culture. Even though I will be using male pronouns to refer to the abusive partner in this article for clarity's sake, it is my hope that men in an intolerable situation will see themselves in the following paragraphs and find the strength to walk away.

Let me illustrate this with an example from my own family. My brother-in-law Steve showed up unexpectedly at my husband's childhood home one summer morning last year with absolutely nothing but the clothes on his back and a junker pick-up truck with a completely empty tank of gas. He and his now ex-wife Gwen had moved away a year or two before, and no one knew where they were (she was isolating him from his family, one sure sign of an abusive relationship). Apparently he'd had a heart attack a few months ago, and, when he couldn't work any more, Gwen started beating him on a pretty regular basis. The family found out later, after he'd come home and had some medical tests, that she was also overdosing him on his heart medication - overdosing enough to kill him, which was probably her intent (life insurance payments, you know).

How did he get away? He physically up and left. Gwen called every family member she could find (some to the point of harassment) trying to reach him. But my husband's mother has an unlisted phone number, so Gwen never spoke to Steve. The space away from her gave him time to understand that the marriage wasn't worth saving and that he had, in fact, been abused.

I did the same thing when the time came for me to leave my abusive husband, Vincent. My family and friends packed me up and moved me halfway across the country. When I returned to the East Coast eight months later, I deliberately chose a place at least two hours away from my soon-to-be-ex. He knew I was back in the area, I'm sure. He had no idea how to find me.

This is important, because statistics show that the abused member of the relationship will often manage to leave her abuser, only to return again and again.

Why?

Because our abusers are really good at convincing us that the abuse is our fault, and that we deserve it for some unspecified trumped-up misuse of them and their love. And, sadly, because we love them. I'm sure Nicole Brown Simpson loved OJ, too.

So how do you physically leave?

If you are fortunate enough not to live with your physical and/or emotional batterer, lucky you. In that case, notifying family, friends and co-workers and changing your routine as much as possible should take care of the problem. You might want to consider moving to a different town or state, if you can. If you're still living with your parents, now is the time to tell them. Tell your teachers. Trust me, your abuser will never be able to touch you again.

But for those who are married and/or sharing a roof, it's a lot more complicated. So here's what the domestic abuse hotline told me when I realized I was going to have to leave my own abuser:

Make sure you always have a tank full of gas in the car. If you need to leave and leave quickly, you do not want to be stopping at the gas station a block away on your way out. It will slow you down and give him a chance to catch up with you.

Make sure there is at least $20 in the glove compartment of the car. This will help pay for food or more gas if you feel the need to travel far.

Have essentials hidden in the car or easily grab-able. These include cell phone, prescription medications, wallet, keys, and a change or two of clothes. If you have children, make sure you have clothes, diapers, pull-ups, baby food, bottles, etc. for them, too.

If he's threatened to harm your family or friends if you go, tell them. Then tell the police. There are laws against threatening people. Let the authorities know. If he follows you when you try to leave, drive to the nearest police station and sit in your car and blow your horn loudly until a cop comes out to talk to you.

Then go. Go far away. And don't even so much as look back. Especially if you have children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that abuse at the hands of someone they love, or abusing someone they love is normal? And if he's seriously hurt or killed a family pet, what's to keep him from going after one of the kids next? That was the incentive I needed to get out of my own abusive relationship: he was pressuring me to go off the pill and start a family. It didn't take me long (maybe a nanosecond) to decide there was no way I would ever bring a child into that horrible situation.

That covers the physical part of leaving. The emotional part is not so easy. I don't care how you grew up, I don't care what you've done, you don't deserve to be abused. Period. He may have you completely convinced that you're unlovable and that you're lucky he's with you since no one else would ever want you. Let me be the first to tell you: he's lying. There are nice guys out there, even if you have kids, who would love to give you the unconditional love and respect you deserve.

I should know. I found one. It took ten years, but I found one.

You can live a better life than as an abuse victim, if you have enough resolve to reach for it.

	It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition Price: $12.66 List Price: $19.95
	Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) Price: $14.81 List Price: $21.95
	Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The Price: $13.34 List Price: $21.95
	Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free Price: $17.95 List Price: $17.95
	STOP Domestic Violence: Innovative Skills, Techniques, Options, and Plans for Better Relationships: Group Leader's Manual (Norton Professional Book) Price: $26.21 List Price: $32.00
	A Typology of Domestic Violence: Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence (Northeastern Series on Gender, Crime, and Law) Price: $9.74 List Price: $22.95
	Domestic Violence at the Margins: Readings on Race, Class, Gender, and Culture Price: $24.00 List Price: $32.95
	Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know Price: $11.42 List Price: $19.00

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Colleen tasa says:
2 years ago

I find myself back in an abusive marriage after 3 months of hospitilization for bipolar illness. I figured coming back to a familiar home beat going to a shelter. I find myself bing eating & think that i have for sure gained 20 lbs in the last weekend alone. I feel completely alone & I feel he takes no responsibility for his past violence. My husband appears to be behaving like a complete angel, except for an outburst which he eas very sorry for on Saturday. My Self esteem is low & I find it hard to leave the house. I had much more confidence when I wasn't here. I really hate myself for thinking coming back here would be better. I feel like I am such a weak human being ~ I just felt like "Hey I own half this house & why should I go without, but it's my soul that's really hurting,... Please Help

Rhomylly says:
2 years ago

To hell with half the house. Find a friend to come get you out of there.

Im still standing says:
18 months ago

Thank you. This is very well written and really hit home. I am still trying to get out. I have never had to hide bruises, but emotional wounds are also very devastating.

Marie says:
17 months ago

How does one get out when she has nothing, a loyal dog and a great job but no money. How did this happen, no friends or family. It's all been suffered in silence. I don't want to involve anyone in my situation.

Jenny says:
17 months ago

sweety involving someone could be the best decision you ever made. My best friend is in an extremely abusive relationship and i just found out about it. Now she is living with me. I once knew her as the girl that was ontop of the world she had everything going for her until she met him. Now she feels as if she is worthless and even worse she was embarrassed to tell me, but i am her friend and that is what i am here for. I have watched her regain herself now and i am so impressed. Even if there are no friends you can turn to, a guidance counsilour or a police officer can do a world of difference. The government will set you up with a place to live until you get back on your feet. ABUSE IS ABUSE NO MATTER WHAT FORM IT COMES IN!!!!

Lou says:
16 months ago

i grew up in an abusive home my father felt he should be the king of the castle while we were treated less than peasants. I escaped that at sixteen only to find myself at 21 in an abusive marriage out burst were freaquent and physical abuse was from the first year in until yesterday. I Had my fill of it. I am making the first effort for him to leave instead of me, this was accompanied by a police report. This is not the type of person I intended be with. I know I deserve better. We all do. We all deserve to be treated with respect. Thank you for your inspiration, stay strong.

"Happiness is something you create within yourself, it cannot be given to you nor taken away by any other person."

concerned and stuck in TN says:
13 months ago

I just moved to TN with my husband a little over a year ago. Its been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for 7 years of marriage, but he said moving here together would help everything, being away from friends and family who only "complicate " our marriage. I listened to him. Now I have lost 2 great jobs on his account, he wont allow me to sing anymore, all my friends I made here, he has takin me away from. We live with 2 children in someones basement apartment. He gets out daily, but Im isolated to stay in this basement with 2 children 24/7.... I had moved out and stayed with a friend I made in a nearby town, but my husband emailed me, and I wrote him back saying not to disturb me, Im getting on my feet, and our children were doing better. He tracked me down from that email/computer. I was shocked when he showed up at the door of which home I was satying at! He sweet talked, and I fell for it cuz the kids went crazy to see him. Now here I am again, in pj's all day, my job again, gone.... no reason for happiness, fights continually.... I dont know what to do. I have no money, he took all the checks i did make.... I have no car.... Im trapped. I went through a bad depression where I couldnt swallow anything cuz of all the stress going on, and my husband left me like that until my dad came for me, and helped me get better, about 6 months..... Im so afraid of that re- occuring. My children are going without everything they need, he wont even get my daughter a winter coat for school, yet he will have his beer nightly. My son is sick 2ice now with pneumonia. My husband is offered insurance at work, but wont get it. If I want my son seen, I have to run up ER bills in my name, otherwise he doesnt get treatment. My husband sees when something makes me happy, sometimes he will let me do something, or give me something that will make me so happy, only to rip it all away from me.

What do I do???

May says:
12 months ago

Hello To All Who feel alone. Don't! I know not everyone can get out of a situation when they feel the time is right, but i know that there are others around going through the same thing's you are and they are afraid to come forward also. I ran and hid for five years with my son. We met some wonderful people on our journey. I am now going to college and have my own place. My abuser was killed in an automobile accident 1 and 1/2 year ago. He would have killed me if he would have found me then taken my son away from my family. That was what I lived with for too long. When I left him, I knew it was not going to be easy but my life, learning how to live again has been worth the struggle. My son felt guilty for so long because he felt like he was suppose to protect me and could not. I still have problems with relationships but I don't lose sleep over it. I have me. I have life. Don't ever stay for the children, LEAVE for them.

Mary says:
11 months ago

I've been in abusive relationships before and thought I would never allow it again, but here I am again. Not only by my boyfriend but by his cousin that is married to my daughter. I want out but have no money or car. Sure could use some sugestions If anyone can help!

NESSA says:
9 months ago

WELL IM 26 YEARS OLD AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A 21 YEAR OLD I'VE KNOWN HIM ALL MY LIFE WE GROW UP TOGETHER HE HAS HAD PLENTY OF WOMEN THAT IVE BEEN AROUND AND NEVER NOTICE HIM TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON I CHEATED ON MY BOYFREIND WITH HIM FOR 2 YEARS THEN WE DECIDED THAT WE REALLY LOVED EACH OTHER AND NEEDED TO BE TOGETHER HE EVEN BEAT THE MAN THAT I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH BECAUSE HE BEAT ME UP AFTER WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 1 YEAR HES ABUSE STARTED AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE I DONT HAVE NOBODY HERE FOR ME NOW I HAVE 4 CHILDREN FROM MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND ALL ARE IN SCHOOL AND I DONT HAVE A SHELTER IN THE TOWN THAT I STAY IN HOW WILL THE CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL I DONT WONT THIS TO AFFECT THERE LIFE SO I JUST STAY IT PROBABALY WONT BE HARD TO LEAVE ITS JUST THAT I CANT PACK ANYTHING HES ALWAYS WATCHING ME I CANT WORK DO MY HAIR DRESS UP WALK FOR MY HEALTH IVE ALREADY GAIN75 POUNDS IN3 YEARS HE BREAKS EVERY CELL PHONE THAT I BY AND WHEN HE LEAVES HE TAKS THE HOUSE PHONE WITH HIM AND THE LABTOP IM TYPING THIS WHILE HE IS ASLEEP I CAN ONLY GO TO MY FAMILY HOUSE WHEN HE IS AROUND HE THINKS THAT IM CHEATING IM SO STRESSED OUT I FEEL LIKE IM IN PRISON HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NESSA says:
9 months ago

GCS090679 says:
9 months ago

I'm 29 every relationship i've been in has been abusive. I have 5 children my youngest is 1. My boyfriend that I have now is the baby's father. We have been together for 3years. He always brings up my past, my ex boyfriends. He hit me when I was pregnant and last weekend we were fighting because I wanted him to spend time with me instead of watching a game at his brothers house and he hit me. We were yelling at each other and I picked up the baby and turned to walk away and he punched me in the back of my head and I fell to the ground with my son in my arms! The house we live in is my house it's in my name, I don't want to leave my children love their schools. I took his keys but he threatens to break the windows if I don't open. I begged him to leave but he just keeps coming back. I also have had my kids save me, he won't hit me in front of them. My oldest son is 12 and bigger than him, I'm afraid my son will try to fight him to save me. I just don't know what to do! He has kept me from all my friends, I don't have any friends anymore and my sister he has kept me from her too. Please help.

Linda IN Las Vegas says:
5 months ago

I was going to ask how to get out of my ABUSIVE relationship when I started reading all of these comments.... WOW !!! Ya' know, I have stuck it out with who I'm with for almost a year- waiting for that "MAGICAL TRANSFORMATION"?!!! He's always promising, always apologizing and in the end he's sitting on his rearend telling me how worthless I am-YADDAYADDAYADDA. Whatever. I just turned forty, I don't have a job, my family is beyond dysfunctional, and the friends I have left are so far removed from the situation (until I make a decision and follow through) that I find myself working through another day of crap and rationalizing - saying things like " It IS getting better" "I'm too old to start over again" " I'm the one that started the problems and pushed him too far" "my mom says to hang in there- that's just the way men are"

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM BELITTLE AND BERRATE ME !!!! I am physically burned out from the daily dose of his hatred.

I am DONE and I don't want to talk about what he's done to me I want to get some kind of action plan together, to get me out of this insanity. Life with someone should be harmonious not chaotic or stressful !!!! I for one, am done being the victim. I want to move on even if it means I will be alone- so what, at least the constant onslaught of verbal KA-KA will be gone. Now, if anyone knows how to go about doing this- PUH-lease do tell. Thanks

Small town girl says:
2 months ago

I am 25, I had a BF that committed suicide (mental problems), and got in the current relationship a few months after that happened. I have 3 children(with the one that committed suicide), 7 and under. The new BF was a life-saver, at first. Now I cry myself to sleep every night, because of him.

I had a stillborn baby about 4 months ago, I believe, because of the stress of being with my BF(he was actually of some support for me, for about a week). He used to take off for days at a time, even in the late months of the pregnancy (drug problem, I think). He has stolen thousands of dollars from me, and my children. He revealed himself soon after he moved in as an alcoholic and gave up his job.

I own my home and want him to leave, he has the cops convinced that I am the crazy one.

I have lost a lot because of him, I don't have a license or a car that works, because he stole my car and wrecked it, when he didn't have a license. I have 2 cars, with minor problems (actually caused some, so he couldn't drive, I know more about cars than he does). Now I don't have a license, because he was drunk and had no license. I seem to have no hope of getting it back, at least with him around, because any money I try to save he finds and takes it.

I want him out, but he refuses to leave, and when I call the cops, they tell me if he was really beating on me I would have marks. Apparently I do not bruise easy, because he punched me in the face and I had no marks, although I felt very bruised, I was laying down, and moved my head so he wouldn't get me, but he did anyway. Another time he held me down and punched me, I managed to get my hands around his neck and choke him, enough he passed out.

He is mean to my kids, and they tell me they pretend to like him, so he won't be worse to them. They have each said something out of the blue about it.

I don't know what to do, the prosecutor in out town won't issue a restraining order for me, because the cops always say the reports are unfounded, because there are no witnesses or no marks. He waits until my kids are sleeping to beat me. He waits until I am busy and steals money and sneaks out. I have to sell things to make house payments, and have had to go do extra jobs, while dragging kids around, also.

I don't know what to do, I am at my wits end! He has ran off all of my friends and family. I was told to officially evict him, but I am terrified of the wrath he would have upon me and my children, for the time until he had to be legally out.

FRUSTRATED!!!