How to Introduce Your Sweetie to Your Family

By the time I'd started dating my first husband, David, my parents already knew him through mutual friends and some activities we had in common - which was good, since I was fourteen and he was eighteen. However, David and I had gone out a few times before he introduced me to his family. I'll never forget it; it was two days before Christmas, and all his older brothers and his older sister had flown in for the holidays. So when I got to meet his family, I met all of his family, in-laws and all! I remember to this day, thirty years later, standing alone in the kitchen of his parents' house while David ran to his room for something he'd forgotten, facing this huge crowd of people I didn't know and thinking, "Hi. I'm fourteen. I date your son."

Needless to say, this is not the way I'd recommend introducing your sweetie to your family! Oh, David did some things right - he introduced us as soon as he figured we'd be an item for a while (we were together, dating and married combined, for nearly ten years), he made the visit short and informal (we were on our way to a party, and only stopped in for a few minutes) and relatively painless, and he gave me a few minutes on my own to sink or swim in the opinion of his family.

But he also did a few things wrong. He didn't warn me that his whole family would be there (he's the youngest of five children, so it's a big family), and I'm pretty sure he didn't tell his family how much younger than him I was.

So, the first rule of introducing your sweetie to your family is: discuss your sweetie with your family in advance, and definitely talk about your family with your sweetie well before the first meeting! Let everyone know what to expect, tell them a few things about each other prior to actually meeting, and, if you come from a large family, show your sweetie some pictures in advance so he or she knows who is who!

The second rule, which David followed, was keep the first meeting as short and informal as possible. Inviting your sweetie along on your family's annual week-long camping trip, while certainly informal, is not a good introductory situation!

My second husband, Vincent, was a little better about introducing me to his family, but I sure blew it when I introduced him to mine. I met his parents, his siblings, and his extended family in stages, so by the time his Uncle Mickey died and we went to the funeral, I pretty much knew everyone there (even though I hadn't met Uncle Mickey), and it was okay. But remember the second rule, the one about keeping the introduction short and informal? Yeah, I didn't do that. I dragged that man to a week-long folk dance and music event (he didn't like folk music and folk dance) that my parents were at in the town where I grew up, no less, and expected him to have a good time and everyone to get along. It was a disaster.

By the time my husband Alex came along, thankfully I was much smarter. He was introduced to my parents as a friend, and I was introduced to his family as a friend also, because at that time, that's all we were (I was dating his much younger best friend at the time, but that's another story!). When I moved away, he continued to be a guest at my parents' house at Thanksgiving and Christmas, even when I didn't make it home for the holidays. I didn't see his family again until we were engaged, ten years later, and basically, we had start over from scratch on the introductions. Fortunately, we were all at a niece's wedding; there was lots of stuff to do, and I was in no way the center of the family's attention!

Rule number three: if you can't make the first meeting short and informal, make sure the planned activities are a) numerous (wedding, reception, etc.) and b) don't include you or your sweetie as the "star of the show."

It takes time, finesse, tact, and patience to add a relative stranger to your family. But if you're thinking that the person you're dating is likely to be in your life for a long time - six months or more - you really need to introduce him or her to your family as soon as possible. And remember, if things go badly, there's always the Federal Witness Protection Program!

Juust kidding...mostly :)