You live with him. You sleep with him. You love him - but sometimes you don't like him. He's your husband, and there are times when you can't stand each other.

Back when you got married, you thought your marriage would be as pure and fluffy as your wedding gown, didn't you? Or at least, that you would be able to work out those insignificant little differences and get along, as long as you really loved each other.

Little did you know that his habit of leaving the toilet seat up was only the beginning.

At first you fussed and pouted, and got your way, and then he'd stonewall and grump and get his way, and then you had to scale up to a hysterical outburst before getting any results, and then he upped his game too. Before you knew it you were at each other's throats over every real and perceived infraction of each other's rights. When you sensed you were losing the fight, you'd dredge up old issues to back up your case, and when he was losing he'd do the same - or come out with a shocker in hopes of shutting you up for a few minutes. And then it became a habit - you'd seethe all day and by the time you saw each other you were both spoiling for a fight.

And late at night, when you each thought the other was asleep, you'd realize that there was no fun, no trust, and no relationship between you any more. What happened?

Is it just the reality of marriage - two people can't live together without arguing? Or is it something else? And more importantly, can it be fixed?

Chances are, it's fixable. If you still care enough about your marriage to try to make it work, you may be able to make a significant change for the better.

First, realize that before you ever met each other, you each came with a truckload of bad habits, unpleasant learned behaviors, and gender-specific communication issues. And getting married made them all bigger. If you have a child, that also made them bigger. If you have more than one child, an elderly parent living with you, job stress, recent deaths in the family, or health problems, or anything else challenging, good or bad, then that has also magnified your original truckload.

When you argue with your spouse, you are driving those truckloads into each other at full speed. No wonder it makes a mess.

If your arguing is damaging your relationship to the point where either one of you dares mention the D-word, then you need counseling immediately. Divorce carries with it a fear of the self-fulfilling prophecy - you don't say it unless you mean it on some level. One caveat about counselors - make sure they know what they are talking about. A bad counselor can bring on a divorce, while a good one can help save a marriage. If your sessions are all about complaining and not about solving problems, if you don't get specific strategies for fighting fair and reducing conflict, and if you aren't motivated to start meeting each other's needs very soon, then find someone better.

But, if it hasn't come down to the D-word, read on for ways to make sure that day never comes.

It's a sad and frustrating truth that women are usually in charge of maintaining the relationship. We are designed to be emotionally integrated - every situation has emotions involved in it, and relationships, and ties, and feelings, etc. There are no neutral situations. Solutions are reached through cooperation with the goal of satisfying everybody.

Contrast that with men, who are not emotionally integrated. They have emotions, just as many and of just as high quality as women have, but they can shut them off. There are many neutral situations - in fact, that's where they live. Relationships with men are about power and respect, hierarchy and ambition. No hard feelings about firing someone or choosing one person over another - the relationship wasn't a factor, just the business at hand. Solutions are reached through assertiveness and demonstrations of authority, with the goal of getting the job done and achieving a higher rank.

Now put a woman with all her relationship-oriented feelings and cooperative instincts in a room with a man who naturally leans toward establishing his own authority and isn't thinking of how feelings might get hurt, and watch the fur fly. Then, have the woman burst into tears and throw guilt barbs, and then have the man say something nasty and sarcastic back, or just turn and leave.

Now you know how these things start, and you've experienced how they end. How can you improve the situation?

Well, you are in luck. As the relationship and emotion-oriented person, you can take the first step.

First, have one issue - just one! No others allowed! that you want to bring up. Make it easy - something you'd like him to do for you. Even if you think it's something he already ought to know to do - maybe especially then.

Next, when you see him, be gentle. A calm, happy or at least thoughtful and sincere, "Hi, I'm glad you're home," is fine. Do not say anything else unless it's to tell him you will take care of or have already taken care of his regular get-home chores. Let him wind down in front of the TV or in the shower for as long as it takes, even if it's the rest of the day and he goes to bed. You can talk to him tomorrow after he winds down. If he snaps back at you, ignore him or say something pleasant back, with 0 sarcasm. "Dinner's ready," is a good response. So is "Your show's about to come on," and, "I like that shirt on you." (If he's used to getting attacked when he first walks in, this may freak him out a little.)

After he decompresses, he will most likely come to you and see what's up. Tell him straight out, "Honey (or whatever you used to call each other before you got so angry all the time), I miss talking to you. I miss our good relationship. I want us to change how we talk to each other, so that we can both get what we want and be happy together." Memorize this statement if you have to.

Chances are, he will be just as eager as you to repair the relationship. If he is defensive or sarcastic, leave it and don't reply to anything negative he may say. You can answer with complete non-sequiturs if they are pleasant. For instance, "Nothing could make you happy," can be answered with, "I got the car washed today," "I put away your laundry," or "Your magazine arrived today." If he's used to getting a fight when he asks for one, this will really freak him out. Or, it may just make him realize that you're serious, and give him some hope for the big conversation. He is probably just as lonesome, hurt, and confused as you are, so don't assume that because your feelings have been hurt that he intended to hurt you.

Let him come back to you with the agreement that you should talk peacefully again. Then, you can lay out the plan. This one I've reprinted below, with permission from Date-Good-Men.com:

Stress and Your Relationship

By Paula Richey

Stress can bring out the worst in you, your man, and your relationship. Usually, stress is temporary and goes away as soon as the stressful situation does. But if stress is a constant factor in your relationship, it could be a signal that you and your man both have needs that aren't getting met.

Your relationship might benefit from some honest discussions about what both of you need and want from each other. (Hint: It helps not to start with, "Honey, we need to talk." Men usually panic when they hear this.) A good way to start this conversation may be, "Honey, I was wondering if there was anything more we could do to help each other. Is there anything you would like me to do?"

After that, follow these guidelines to help your man and your relationship get the most out of the conversation:

1. When he tells you something he would like you to do, pause, consider it carefully, and repeat back to him in your own words what you just heard him ask for.
2. Ask for clarification on any vague points. If he wants more time with you, ask if he wants afternoons or evenings, or weekdays, whether it's time together shopping, eating out, or hanging out without an agenda, and if he wants time alone with you or if spending time with your family counts as well.
3. When you are sure you completely understand what he's asking of you, you can agree, or disagree, or negotiate what you can do.

Next, it's your turn. You have the right to have your needs met too. And if he wants to be in a relationship with you, then he should make some effort as well. However, it doesn't hurt to give your man every chance to get it right. With that in mind, follow these steps:

1. Be polite. It doesn't matter if you have known him since kindergarten. There is no expiration date on politeness for either one of you. If you are secure enough that he will always love you no matter how you ask for something, that's great. Just be aware that he may not want to do what you are asking if you demand it from him. Men have feelings too.
2. Be very, very specific. If you want him to be more on time when he's picking you up for a date, tell your man that you would like him to get an early start on days when you have a date, and to try to arrive five minutes early.
3. Ask him (nicely) what he understands that you are asking for. As he repeats it back, you may be very surprised at the message he got. This is where you find out just how different men are from women, and also if you glossed over any important details.
4. Clarify what you want until the message gets through. It truly is a tragedy that men can't read minds. And, their minds are so different, that even their best guesses are usually way off track. Getting the message straight is an extremely important step in getting each other's needs met.
5. Now, he can agree, or disagree, or negotiate what he is able and willing to do.

But, remember if you try this and he gets the message, but won't meet you halfway on meeting your needs, or demands things from you without reciprocating, it's time to consider that he may not be the right man for you.

Always remember that if a man harms you in any way - emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, or physically, - he is dangerous to you and you should get out of the relationship. Chances are that he can't change his behavior, and he is always going to hurt you in form or another. See Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved series for more about the signs of dangerousness in men and the way sin which they can find you.

For a great Christian perspective on the responsibilities and tendencies of men and women in relationships, visit http://www.newspring.cc/ and download the "Lord of the Rings" relationship series of podcasts.

But what if your fights aren't simply misunderstandings and hurt feelings? What if something has happened to truly damage your relationship with each other? What then?

If one (or both) of you has suffered a serious breach of trust, your relationship may feel as if it has disappeared. You are supposed to be partners, and that's pretty impossible when you can't trust each other. Let's look at the most common trust-breaker - the emotional betrayal.

Emotional betrayal is what happens when emotions that should be shared between you and your partner are not - and it's worse when they are shared with someone else. An example is stonewalling, by either you or your husband. Refusing to share positive emotions, or any emotions at all, will erode your relationship quickly. Here are some reasons you or your spouse might be stonewalling:

• It isn't safe to share emotions when they only provoke more arguments.
• Previous battles made it an attractive form of revenge.
• There is a loss of commitment to the relationship.

These aren't the only reasons, but they might help you gain some insight. If the reason your husband stonewalls is because you dump your stresses on him when he walks in the door, then that's something you can fix. If you stonewall out of a vengeful attitude, you can take steps to resolve your problems. If you suspect your husband isn't committed to the relationship anymore, well, the worst thing you can do is jump on him and accuse him of not trying.

So if you are the one who is distant and emotionally unavailable, figure out why and try to deal with it.

A good cure for your own emotional distance is forgiveness - of everybody, even if you think they have nothing to do with your relationship with your husband. Carrying grudges and painful memories around can make you physically and emotionally ill. Forgiveness doesn't mean that the harm done to you is okay or that it isn't real anymore - it means you choose to no longer carry the negative emotions about the incident. And yes, it's possible. They're your emotions, and you can do whatever you want with them.

You can write a list of everyone you know, or maybe just the top ten who have had the biggest impact on your life, and use that list as you remember things that bother you. Go down the list and forgive everyone. Tell yourself, "I was hurt, but that is in the past, and I'm letting the pain go now." You don't have to tell anybody but yourself. If anyone is anxious about receiving your forgiveness, they will be able to tell in the way you carry yourself - and if they can't tell, they can always ask. Remember to include yourself for making mistakes, especially if you are hard on yourself.

If you're doing it right, you will feel physically lighter afterwards - that isn't just a cliche that calls a grudge a burden. Negative emotions really do feel heavy, and positive ones really do feel light. Getting rid of past pain this way frees you up to heal your relationship.

On the other hand, if it's your husband who is stonewalling, you can't just tell him to forgive and it'll be better. He may not trust you enough to share what he's feeling with you, or he may be stuck in "work mode" - he doesn't tell you because there's nothing to tell while he's still mentally on the job. He can compartmentalize his feelings, remember? He can box them up and feel them later, after work. Unfortunately, lots of men forget to unpack them and share them with their families. These are usually the ones with the stressful jobs.

The best thing you can do for an emotionally unavailable husband is give him a safe time and place to unwind. When he comes home from work and plonks himself in front of the TV instead of talking to you or taking over the kids, that's time he needs to get rid of all the stress he's accumulated at work.

Great, you say. What about my stress?

You process it differently than he does - you can let your emotions show throughout your day, or in breaks - you can hide in the bathroom and cry if you need to. Men just don't have that outlet. So in a way, you can afford to grant him a half-hour's worth of mercy. Besides, another argument is only going to make you both feel worse, and it's all you'll get if you ignore his need for a break between work and home.

After his half-hour or so, gently reintroduce him to the family. The 3/1 rule is good here: Say 3 good things for every 1 negative or request. Dinner's almost done, you look good today, your shirts are ironed, and can you please take the kids outside and play? If you can't do 3 postives, at least try for two.

I'll discuss what happens when emotional betrayal goes farther later.

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