How to avoid becoming the second Ex-husband or Ex-wife

First marriages are difficult at best and every marriage comes to a point where you wonder why you even bother any more. We have seen honesty and love become a second class achievement and romance seems like a foreign word. More often then not we are disappointed with the way things have turned out between us and the one we were so crazy about to begin with and our history of love now turns into a history of disgust. Suddenly the ugly words divorce and separation pop up and soon our entire family is torn apart.

If you are reading this article, you may find your-self at those cross roads again and you have already been an ex-spouse once. The positive note here is that you have taken the time to search the Internet and have more and likely read several books to find answers to a burning question.

How do I avoid becoming a second ex-husband or ex-wife? How can I make this marriage work? How can I bring our love back to where it was before we have reached this point?

Why don't you crap a cup of coffee or tea and let me sit down with you and discuss this. I urge you to bring a Notebook along and a pen as well, you will be asked to write down a few personal questions that I want you to answer to your-self. Don't worry nobody besides you will read what you write unless you show it to them of course. I will address several points and each point will have one or two Questions attached to it. Those questions will be in italics and are the ones I want you to answer privately.

Pin pointing where things started going wrong!

It is always best to start in the beginning and this issue is no exception to the rule.

Everything went fine and you must have thought that you and your spouse were meant for each other. You saw something in your Partner that was missing in the one before. Then suddenly you saw things change. Maybe you noticed that certain things were starting to look like the first marriage. Maybe he or she started showing the same trademarks as the one before.

When did you notice that things did not seem as they were to start?

I want you to be very precise and very descriptive, it will come in handy later.

What was it that gave you a start?

Again you need to be precise and honest with yourself. No matter who stupid it may feel to you, every little thing is important here. If it was not you would not be reading this.

Understanding the difference between an event and a habit!

Short of murder, theft and rape we all make mistakes that may or may not have to be forgiven. Before we go off the deep end we need to make certain that whatever the problem was is a habit or an issue and not just an event. So what is the difference? Simple, an event is something that has happened only once and is contrary to the normal behavior of the person. That does not make it necessarily excusable, but it does make a case for the person.

Is the problem an event or a habit?

What is the same in both marriages?

I was sitting in a coffee-shop one day and was complaining loudly about some of the problems I was having. An older person overheard our conversation and after my friend left this very wise older person came up to me and asked me if she could take a seat at my table. I agreed and she started telling me that she had overheard our conversation and that she had some advice for me, if I was willing to hear it. I am always open to listen to older people, that is how you learn at the feet of your elders. Her advice was very simple, look for the thing that is the same in each situation.

If that confused you as much as it did me at first, let me explain it to you. If the problem arises is a new one, then the problem can be found within the relationship or your Partner may be fixed by open discussion and working with each other. If however it is something that seems to be exactly the same in the prior relationship and in this one then you have to look to the one thing that is the same. You! If you are the common Item in the problem you have to be brutally honest here and ask your-self this question: What is it that I am doing that has caused this problem?

Yes, that goes for abuse as well. Are you attracting that type of person? Do you manipulate the problem until you are being abused? Do you have low self-esteem and think you don't deserve any better?

Are you bored in your Relationship?

In every relationship comes a point when things are getting mundane and you do the same old things over and over again. Life becomes a routine and it is up to both of your shake things up a little. Here is another very hard to swallow fact. You are bored, because you are boring! Before you get upset with me think about it for a second. If you have hobbies and interests you pursue you are not bored correct? If things start seeming the same, why not try something new? That does not mean a new partner. If you you bring something new and exciting in the relationship, you will stop being bored and things will be shaken up.

What can you bring to the table that is new and exciting?

I want you to make a list of at least 12 different things you would like to try out and then show them to your spouse. Ask them to write down 12 new things as well and then compare what is similar. You each have to try at least 2 new things from each others list, even if they don't sound all that much fun at first. Just the willingness to do something for each other, makes a big difference.

Start dating again!

Not anyone new, but each other. I don't want to hear that you have too many bills and not enough time. That is everyone! When you first started dating you made the time and found the money, you can do so again. Even if the entire date is a walk and an Ice-cream. The point is to get away from the everyday and have time just for each other. Don't talk about work or kids either. You can talk about anything else.

Which is your fondest dating memory with your spouse?

Why is that so important? Again the answer is simple. By remembering things that made you happy you reconnect with your partner. You may be surprised that it is something very simple that did not cost a lot of money. Can you recreate the moment?

What has your Partner been complaining about the most?

If you are miserable in your relationship, I can almost assure you that your partner is too. Often we are so self important that we don't even notice the problems our partner has.

Ask yourself this very urgent question. What has my loved one complained about the most lately? Is there anything you can do to help make it better? Is it personal or work related?

Are you miserable or just unsatisfied?

Here again we need to make sure we know the difference. We all get dissatisfied at one time or the other. That is normal and may only be a time period. Miserable is a completely different feeling. When you no longer even want to be in the same room with the person, his or her voice drives you up the wall or you would rather be at work then at home, you have a serious problem.

Does the good outweigh the bad?

Noone is perfect, I don't care how much they pretend to be. We all have good and bad points. Take a deep look at your partner and your-self and then come up with a list that points to the good points and the bad points in either one of you and in you as a couple.

Do the good outweigh the bad or the other way around?

Once you have answered all your questions and have decided if your marriage is worth saving or not I urge you to follow these simple thoughts.

There is only one person you can change in life and that is yourself. If you are bored, become more exciting. If you feel unloved, become more lovable. If you are constantly being yelled at, don't give the person anyone to yell at and don't annoy them on purpose.

Don't let your partner hurt you and don't make them feel guilty. Most of the time when we start complaining our partners tune us out. It is a natural reaction in humans and more so in males then in females. The next time your partner does something or says something that hurt you, don't make a big deal out of it. Just turn away and say "Ouch". It will make them stop and wonder what has happened. Let them work it out for them-selves. They may not react the first couple of times, but sooner or later it will click. If you are being beaten or abused, I urge you to get out of the relationship. Abuse is never acceptable.

Think sexy and desirable. If you don't feel it, then there is a good chance your partner won't see you as such. We all give out vibes and we all receive them. When we feel desirable and happy we show it in our appearance and attitude.

Smile a lot more. Smiling makes us feel good and if we feel good we can deal with things a lot better. If you think you have nothing to smile about, take a good look around you. Make a list of things that you can be grateful for. Smell a rose. Play with a puppy. Try on a new outfit (for the ladies). Read a good book or go see a funny movie. Hug someone!

The next time you want to scream, hug instead. OK, I know that sounds stupid, but believe me it works. The next time you feel like screaming at your partner, hug them instead. Don't say anything and just give him or her a hug. If nothing else it will break the bad feelings and give you both a moment of air.

Don't try to be someone you are not. You won't be able to. Yes, you can change certain things about you, but there are things that are so ingrained in each of us that we can not change them. Don't pretend to be something you are not, you will only make both of you unhappy.

If you are 80% of the time content you are lucky indeed. Don't forget that you can never be happy all the time and happiness is relative. If you can say I am content, then that is a good thing. Enjoy the moments of happiness when they come and hold them dear to your heart. You can always draw on them when things are getting tough.

Remember that you are not the only one that has a bad past. We all bring hurts with us and have sore spots the other one may not mean to hit. I have things in my past that can spring up at any moment. There are times when my husbands says something to me that he has said a million times before, but his tone of voice is slightly different or in a different circumstance and suddenly it reminds me of something horrible from my prior marriage. Remember, you won't see the red flag coming up and neither will your partner see yours.

I hope this has given you something to think about and you can gain something from this. Until the next time, I remain faithfully your friend.