Breaking up and getting her back
97You just lost the girl you adore...
So you're miserable, alone, despondent, and while you may or may not have any idea why, all you know is you need to get her back.
Now what?
Of course, it all depends on the type of girl.
Personally I believe that it takes certain qualities and actions on the part of the "loser" to get the girl back. It's not much of a "how to" topic, but hopefully at least some of my pointers might end up being valuable pearls of wisdom, even if they're the cheap ones from the Goodwill like I like to wear.
As a girl who has been lost and found again, I can try and expose some of the things that my boyfriend did to get me back again.
Read on if you're like this guy...
First of all... how to cope
7. Keep your options open.
"The Break-Up"
If you want to get back together...
If one or both of you decides for certain that there is no point in continuing the relationship, then part permanently. Don't drag things out by prolonging the separation. Get support to survive the break-up and start again.
If you decide to get back together, prepare for it. Talk openly about what has to be different, and how you are going to make it different. Talk too about what you have realised since you've been apart and how you have changed.
Don't move back in suddenly - spend increasing time together to get used to it. (And expect some shyness about being back together, particularly where sex is concerned: gentle lovemaking with low lights and lots of romance will help!)
And expect some setbacks! You won't just live happily ever after. So don't panic if you row or wobble again - it's not whether you have problems; it's how you cope with them that matters.
Once you are sure that your separation is over and your relationship is back on track, it's good to mark the occasion. Do whatever suits you: a celebratory weekend away; a memento ring; if you're married a small ceremony where you renew your vows - all of these will help you make a new start and look to the future. Good luck!
Virtual break-up
More on getting back together
Getting back with your ex can be a great thing. But be careful that your rejuvenated relationship isn't tainted with a lack of communication.
1. Don't get overemotional.
A few minutes of mental discipline can mean years of emotional play. Like we discussed earlier, it's difficult to step back and think rationally when you open the positive lines of communication with your ex. No matter the good feelings, however, make sure you ask yourself if getting back together will be a positive thing.
2. Fix what was wrong before.
Don't forget that something made you mad enough to break up! You or he may have regrets, but that's not enough to resolve any previous pet peeves or conflicts. You may have to physically list pros and cons. Try and draw out what contributions you feel each of you made to the failed relationship. Be sure to discuss these things with your ex and ask yourself: Have these issues really been resolved? Has he/she or I truly changed or can either of you live with the things you couldn't live with before?
3. Forget old standards.
A new relationship with your ex is just that- a new relationship. So, drop the previous dreams and expectations and start anew. You don't have to start from the beginning of man, but try and build a new life together and treat common goals and expectations as if they are new. There is still trust and a renewed friendship to be built.
Ultimately, the decision to get back with your ex has to lie with you; but it's important to make sure you don't fall into the same patterns, fights or routines that led you to the first breakup. Ask yourself honest questions followed by truthful answers, then openly discuss the feasibility of a new relationship with your ex.
Tips from a "lost" teenage girl
These are some tips from myself.
(Put a "some" in front of "girls" because, of course, these tips don't apply to everyone. I like to think females tend to have at least a few universal characteristics.)
1. Girls like the truth, for gosh sake.
The reason that my boyfriend and I broke up initially was because we were trying to do things that we thought the other wanted. We thought too much about things (it's possible, truly) and didn't do what we truly wanted to do. That made things awkward and artificial and hard to work with; things got too complicated and breaking up was a way to end it and start over... though we didn't know it at the time.
2. Make an effort to get her back.
Love can't stay away. So it's not good for a girl to come back for a guy because if it's really love, it'll come back itself. Make a phone call, e-mail, or any kind of contact and if you're really dedicated, whatever happened to cause the break-up won't mean a thing anymore.
3. Be willing to speak out.
Don't just be honest, but talk. Don't keep things quiet because that won't help things, only suppress them.
4. Get rid of your pride.
I am a firm believer in humility. I think that being proud only causes unnecessary anguish. Being able to let go of your dignity means a lot to a girl, like she means more than your image.
5. Don't let go of too much pride.
Don't be whipped into doing whatever she wants if she agrees to get back together. Don't let yourself go if you haven't gotten back with her yet. That's just sad.
6. Don't hang out with other girls.
So you don't want to look like a loser and be by yourself, but you are DEFINITELY not helping yourself if you look like you've moved on, even if you're really not.
But then if she's around other guys, maybe you'd want to back off yourself. She may just need her space.
7. Don't play games.
Don't try to lure her back. Don't pretend that you want her and then scorn her. Give the right signals.
8. Show that you care.
Look at old pictures and letters (but not longingly and pathetically). Remember your old anniversaries and her birthday and other important dates and details.
And if it's appropriate, don't be afraid to touch her.
A sky not blue
Get-her-back links
- Getting back with your ex
Q & A about getting back togther with your ex - Get back together
Tips from men - How to cope with a break-up
Tips from Ramon Johnson - Break up to make up
Tips from iVillage on when to break up and what to do after
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good tips, fortunately for me, i've never felt the need to get back with someone..
It's helpful to keep in mind there are many other fish in the sea...even if you are hoping to rekindle a smolderling flame.
i never experience losing someone...but this article is great
This is very helpful, so thank you to whomever has written it. I just lost the girl I really love, and she told me not to contact her for three months.. funny how women think alike. So i guess ill have to wait on using these tips, well i guess not the first half of them.
Thank you guys. I wish you luck, amjo! It will be hard, but if other people have done it, you can too!
Wow... this is a great article... I'm really impressed! :)
I totally agree with everything in this article. Pride always stands in the way
Well written!
For me the answers all lay within me. I have to love myself before anybody else can love and desire me. Before I can get what anybody else has I have to be happy with and have gratitude for what I have.
You see today I have me, I love me, I just kissed myself. No I’m not a snob or this has nothing to do with being conceded. Its self respect and love.
Oh yeah I forgot Faith. I also have faith in the universe, If things just aren’t meant to be they won’t be. It’s that simple. However if I’m doing the right thing and what I am doing is with the best of intentions the universe will give me whatever it is I ask of it. Yes, this means relationships as anything else in life.
So first love and be happy for what you have now, give thanks for it on a daily basis. And have faith that there is always something better for you in one way or the other. You will have whatever it is that you desire .
Great article, Keep up the great work….
Peace, Love, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance… JosephDiego
P.S. Please come look at my pages I am new and would love some friends
really good article.....sometimes breaking up becomes the only right decision
thnx alot
I HAVE A BILLION STEP FATHERS, Ok not a billion. But my Mother just could never stick with a single man. The truth is, that it was her choices. I guess she just had a man just to have a man. They all turned out to be "a holes" Even my father. I feel that if you really love some body and they love you. TOGETHER again TOGETHER you should work it out. Now this is my personal opinion. What happens is we look at what we don't like about the other person and we try to change "Them" It's not about them. It's about you, or me. I've been with my wife 23 years. 6 years ago we went through a very big change in our life. And my wife decided that she didn't love me anymore. I said OK. And I made her love me. How? I changed me and became the best person that I can be. I supported her decision and loved her any way, meanwhile working on improving myself. I found out the things she didn't like about me and removed them little by little and improved the things she did like about me, then added some more. I just got finished giving her total pleasure and didn't worry about myself. My time will come. Today my wife is my best friend. We still go out on dates; walks on the beach, can sit home and watch the latest movies on the TV. A loving relationship takes a lot of work and unselfish acts of love, understanding and comforting. Nevertheless it's all well worth it.
Oh yeah, one more thing. “Keep your attention on your intentions.” Don’t be like my moms, I love her dearly. But, like I said. She had a man just to have a man. Why are you with your mate? There are many selfish reasons, great sex, security, good looks even a child. Think about it. Be honest. Then move forward.
Peace, Love, Light, Health, Happiness and Lavish Abundance… JosephDiego
nice advice....i have been through this
Very good article. Being honest and realizing that the past is the past is the most important thing.
Can you move on? What happened and can it be fixed? Real love can overcome amost anything. It is hard to find a real connection and everyone needs to remember that.
Thanks for your comments and experiences. I hope these can help anyone who comes to this Hub for advice!
You have made some great points and touched on some really important ones for anyone going through - might have to refer some friends to this hub. The most important I think is #4 - probably one of the most difficult to follow through with and balance (how much do you remove yourself? becomes a jekyll and hyde emotion) Excellent! the one I didnt agree with just from personal experience is #7 because I have seen a reason why many couples break up is because things become routinely boring* - so the right game needs to be played - but still an excellent hub! I enjoyed this read very much
thank you for hub, at least i know what to do if i ever lose my current gurlfren which 10 years younger than me
Solid Hub with lots of good information
Great article. I like how you used your personal experience in this hub!
great hub i really enjoyed reading it.
This hubs contain so much valuable powerful information! Just wanted to stress something out from the hubs. Getting emotional after a break up is normal and it happens naturally..but at the same time, It can ruine the chances of getting your ex back. For one reason,you will start to act different and needy.Your ex may take advantage of your emotions,give you less attention because she knows you love her and she can have you without trying.Also is unattractive to women when a guy is acting all emotional, and you know what, when it happens to be an ex boyfriend, They are more likely to run away.I guess the point from the hubs is that you need to act normal, stay in a positive mood,put a smile on your face and don't let your emotions make your ex something they want to avoid. Thanks for listening, Eric
Once again, thank you all for your feedback! Eric, that's great advice: I found that I was taken advantage after my last break-up because I was so emotional, and it sucked. Thanks for your words of wisdom!
i was depressed for days when i broke up with my gf
Definitely understandable and not uncommon!
Totally great article right here and very nicely written and you did point out some important issues. But getting your ex back is not entirely impossible. It's hard but not impossible. But how does one know that one is ready or right to get their ex back? I found this simple quiz and I want to share with you guys:
Pretty corect facts you got there
Nice hub and I like reading everyone's comments.
I have an x bf..weve been together for 3 and half years...we broke up to seek ourselves and if we are really meant for each other..its now 2 years since we broke up but Im glad how he keeps our friendly relationship he still have contacts with me eventhough he got a new gf..now we are both single he always broke up with his other girls for one the same reason ME..Im just thankful with this article which lead me to think that somehow my x wants us back...Maybe our coming back will now LEAD TO A WEDDING..thanks!!
Thanks everyone, and good luck, Mikayla!
I can say this is a very useful hub, guys are love pretending everything is fine when they are not.
i broke up with my girlfreind and it broke my heart but she said it wasnt working. she lost love for me after a long time away. we are still freinds but i really really want her back. i still love her like nothing in the world and it hurts me to be with her and not be her partner. i am not looking at other girls because i love my ex so much. i still think of her as my love and it kills me inside everyday. is their any chance of us getting back together. im willing to go to the ends of the earth for her!!!
Teen guy, I would say that there would be no chance of getting together as long as she insists that it won't work. I know it's difficult to be around her this way, but I would say you'd either be patient and if it's meant to be, she'll come around, or perhaps be patient and wait for another to come. Either way, you can get in a lot of trouble if you're not patient and if you try to force things. I hope this helps; it's from my own personal experience.
If you broke up with her WHY would you want her back anyway? That is what I don't get. It's one thing if SHE breaks up with YOU that is different but YOU shouldn't do it in the first place if there is even a chance you will want her again.
(Geez, why is it people have to promote their own stuff on YOUR hub? WHY allow it? Do you do the same thing?)
Thanks for a really informative Hub on this subject, it's the best information I've seen! Thanks.
yea you got a good hub here very well put together and it looks like it has really benefited some people. well done
prasadjain says:
2 years ago
The article is realistic.I think my article "Good bye Mr.Divorce, We keep the family" published in the same hubpages may be a suitable suppliment to this. Interested readers may try.