Breaking up and getting her back

So you're miserable, alone, despondent, and while you may or may not have any idea why, all you know is you need to get her back.

Now what?

Personally I believe that it takes certain qualities and actions on the part of the "loser" to get the girl back. It's not much of a "how to" topic, but hopefully at least some of my pointers might end up being valuable pearls of wisdom, even if they're the cheap ones from the Goodwill like I like to wear.

As a girl who has been lost and found again, I can try and expose some of the things that my boyfriend did to get me back again.

If one or both of you decides for certain that there is no point in continuing the relationship, then part permanently. Don't drag things out by prolonging the separation. Get support to survive the break-up and start again.

If you decide to get back together, prepare for it. Talk openly about what has to be different, and how you are going to make it different. Talk too about what you have realised since you've been apart and how you have changed.

Don't move back in suddenly - spend increasing time together to get used to it. (And expect some shyness about being back together, particularly where sex is concerned: gentle lovemaking with low lights and lots of romance will help!)

And expect some setbacks! You won't just live happily ever after. So don't panic if you row or wobble again - it's not whether you have problems; it's how you cope with them that matters.

Once you are sure that your separation is over and your relationship is back on track, it's good to mark the occasion. Do whatever suits you: a celebratory weekend away; a memento ring; if you're married a small ceremony where you renew your vows - all of these will help you make a new start and look to the future. Good luck!

Getting back with your ex can be a great thing. But be careful that your rejuvenated relationship isn't tainted with a lack of communication.

1. Don't get overemotional.

A few minutes of mental discipline can mean years of emotional play. Like we discussed earlier, it's difficult to step back and think rationally when you open the positive lines of communication with your ex. No matter the good feelings, however, make sure you ask yourself if getting back together will be a positive thing.

2. Fix what was wrong before.

Don't forget that something made you mad enough to break up! You or he may have regrets, but that's not enough to resolve any previous pet peeves or conflicts. You may have to physically list pros and cons. Try and draw out what contributions you feel each of you made to the failed relationship. Be sure to discuss these things with your ex and ask yourself: Have these issues really been resolved? Has he/she or I truly changed or can either of you live with the things you couldn't live with before?

3. Forget old standards.

A new relationship with your ex is just that- a new relationship. So, drop the previous dreams and expectations and start anew. You don't have to start from the beginning of man, but try and build a new life together and treat common goals and expectations as if they are new. There is still trust and a renewed friendship to be built.

Ultimately, the decision to get back with your ex has to lie with you; but it's important to make sure you don't fall into the same patterns, fights or routines that led you to the first breakup. Ask yourself honest questions followed by truthful answers, then openly discuss the feasibility of a new relationship with your ex.

These are some tips from myself.

(Put a "some" in front of "girls" because, of course, these tips don't apply to everyone. I like to think females tend to have at least a few universal characteristics.)

1. Girls like the truth, for gosh sake.

The reason that my boyfriend and I broke up initially was because we were trying to do things that we thought the other wanted. We thought too much about things (it's possible, truly) and didn't do what we truly wanted to do. That made things awkward and artificial and hard to work with; things got too complicated and breaking up was a way to end it and start over... though we didn't know it at the time.

2. Make an effort to get her back.

Love can't stay away. So it's not good for a girl to come back for a guy because if it's really love, it'll come back itself. Make a phone call, e-mail, or any kind of contact and if you're really dedicated, whatever happened to cause the break-up won't mean a thing anymore.

3. Be willing to speak out.

Don't just be honest, but talk. Don't keep things quiet because that won't help things, only suppress them.

4. Get rid of your pride.

I am a firm believer in humility. I think that being proud only causes unnecessary anguish. Being able to let go of your dignity means a lot to a girl, like she means more than your image.

5. Don't let go of too much pride.

Don't be whipped into doing whatever she wants if she agrees to get back together. Don't let yourself go if you haven't gotten back with her yet. That's just sad.

6. Don't hang out with other girls.

So you don't want to look like a loser and be by yourself, but you are DEFINITELY not helping yourself if you look like you've moved on, even if you're really not.

But then if she's around other guys, maybe you'd want to back off yourself. She may just need her space.

7. Don't play games.

Don't try to lure her back. Don't pretend that you want her and then scorn her. Give the right signals.

8. Show that you care.

Look at old pictures and letters (but not longingly and pathetically). Remember your old anniversaries and her birthday and other important dates and details.

And if it's appropriate, don't be afraid to touch her.