The phone rings. It is the call you've been dreading.

Your friend tells you that her ill child has finally succumed to his illness. She is devastated.

She has never felt such pain in her life.

She feels like both her arms have been ripped out of their shoulder sockets. Her skin is shredding off her body, leaving her utterly helpless and exposed.

She wants to die.

How in heaven's name do you help this grieving mom (or dad) cope with the absolutely worst thing that can possibly happen to a parent?

Don't tell her you know how she feels. You don't know how she feels, even if you have lost a child yourself. Everyone processes a loss differently. How you handled your loss may be completely different from how she copes with hers.

The best possible course of action is to let her set the pace. She will let you know by her actions what she needs.

Probably what she needs most of all is to talk. You can be the most helpful by saying as little as possible, but by both listening intently to what she says and observing her body language.

Don't ask her anything. Let her bring up the events leading up to the death of the child. She is the person who best knows what she can talk about now, as opposed to what is so painful that any discussion would be impossible.

She may not choose to talk to you at first. Just let her know that you are available whenever she needs you.

There is a huge flurry of activity during and immediately after a funeral, as well as certain social and religious obligations, depending on the customs of the family and their culture of origin.

About 5 or 6 weeks later people tend to get back to their own lives. This is the time to call, if she has not previously reached out to you. She is at risk for social and emotional isolation and will be struggling with feelings of abandonment and emptiness.

Go to her house, or invite her over to yours. Provide coffee or tea, a few cookies, and a box of kleenex. Seeing the kleenex gives her permission to cry if she needs to and feels safe doing so.

Tell her how good it is to see her. Then keep still, and listen attentively.

There may be a silence. Silence makes most people uncomfortable. They want to rush in and fill the void because it doesn't feel good to face your internal feelings. Resist the temptation to speak.

Don't offer advice and opinions, because those tend to disrupt the flow of the person's grief process.

Avoid talking about yourself. If she asks you about what is happening in your life, answer as briefly as possible. This is about her and her lost child.

She may sit there for half an hour without saying a word, and get up and leave, or if you are at her house, indicate by her body language that it is time for you to go. That's OK. She may have needed to be in a mental space where nothing was expected of her and she could just sit and do nothing.

Tell her it was good to see her, and let her know you will call her in four or five days to check in, so to speak.

Or, she may take one look at the box of kleenex and burst into a torrent of tears. That's OK too.

The main point is that there is no one right way to do grief and loss. Everyone grieves in her own way.

Let her set her own pace.

You be the quiet, accessible friend.

Six months or a year down the road she will understand what a valuable function you played in her life and she will thank God a thousand times over for your presence at that critical time in her life.

It is hard to sit with a grieving friend. So don't forget to give yourself credit for having been a giving, nurturing and loving friend.