How To Make It In Hollywood

Every year, thousands of young hopefuls head off to Hollywood with dreams of “making it.” If you want to “make it”, you need to be better than all the other wannabes at the essential elements of Stardom. Don't worry though, this is totally all the guide you will ever need to make it in Hollywood, so print out several copies of it. I say several because even if, for some bizarre reason, you should fail, you can use multiple copies of this article to line your clothing, which will protect you against the cold, and provide a softer night's sleep on the streets.

Remember that appearance is everything in the Entertainment industry, so forget everything you were ever told about the important things being on the inside. The inside is going to become almost completely irrelevant for you, even in terms of putting things inside, like food. You'll eat less than you ever have before. This is partially because you can't afford to, and partially because trying to please people and being constantly rejected is going to give you a complex that only losing dangerous amounts of weight will fix. Ideally you will become a shell. Think of yourself like a delicate blown egg - completely empty on the inside, but painted prettily on the outside, and admired by all who view you.

In order to be the very best egg you can be, you will need to work on several things:

Work on your ass – Your ass can be a powerful tool, it can distract people in places where your talent is lacking, and a good ass can be more recognizable than a face if you are on the average looks side of the pretty spectrum.

Work on your breasts – Big or small, fake, or natural, the important thing is to just get them out there. Practice your casual nipple slips in front of a mirror. Britney Spears is a master of the nipple slip, and the hard nipple. Her nipples are evident in almost every picture taken of her, and yours need to be the same.

Drinking and Drugs – Very important these two. Once you've sold out on all your principles, it's going to feel very good to drink and dose yourself into oblivion anyway. Not only do you get to escape all your troubles for a while, you'll also think you're much cooler than you really are, and that is good for your self esteem. Some people think that there is a difference between self confidence and delusional thinking, but they're probably ugly.

Finally, be prepared to sacrifice everything for stardom, and when I say anything, I mean anything, your sanity, your dignity, your short term memory, your reputation, the list goes on. It's not so bad once you get used to it, and having lost all these things will be a great aid to your career in either the food service industry, or the porn business. If they idea of hardcore porn puts you off, California is also the hub of fetish movie activity, so you can probably get a few gigs dressing up in adult diapers and that sort of thing too. The world is really your oyster, and the sky is totally the limit. Remember though, nothing just gets handed to you in Hollywood, you will have to work for both fame and notoriety.

Even Paris had to make a sex tape.