From the folks who brought you:

"CarolinaMuscle's Guide to Hot-Tub Wet-iquette",

"CarolinaMuscle's Guide to Nightlife",

and "CarolinaMuscle's How to Take Dirty Pictures",

-- comes the next exciting and informative primer on life in the 21st Century...

-------- CarolinaMuscle's "Guide to Throwing a Bachelor Party"

Ok.... let's just say your buddy has made the horrendous mistake of asking you to be his "best man".

"Best Man", hmmm.....??

--- you and me both know that this is a serious misnomer...
.............. cause you're probably the WORST guy for the job.

Let's put aside all that past history that you and the future Mrs. Buddy had in the bathroom of that Exxon station that the future Mister Buddy don't know nuthin about.

Yeah, I know, you both got treated, and everything's Jake now....

She got past the blood test, so it must be, huh?

Say no mo.

But you know, there's a certain modicum of behavior expected of the best man at these ceremonies....

............. and I'm not sure you're up to it.

Arriving drunk for the wedding rehearsal, that'll add a nice touch to the proceedings,

and you punchin' out the wedding photographer before he gets any good shots,
---- that'll be a big hit with the bride.

And hey.., I'm not saying you're illiterate, but that speech you're gonna make at the reception--
-- well.... let's just say that one'll haunt you and several other folks for a long, long time.


ah well... the deal is done...

yer buddy's made his choice, and now he's gonna have to live with it. ( hooo boy... will he. )

Besides... you've now got serious stuff to worry about..... like the bachelor party.

The first thing you gotta know is just where you stand with the bride.

Is she happy about her future hubby's choice of 'best man'?

If she isn't,
........ well.... screw 'er then..... go ape shit and let the chips fall where they may.
------- Whatda you care, you ain't gotta live with her... so raht, so raht, s'all raht.

(Hell, it'll never last anyway, right?
...... damn, that girl can hold a grudge... it's that gas station thing again probably....

I can't figure out what she's so mad about....
after all, you sprung the 50cents for the french tickler outta the machine, right ?)


But let's assume that she still does like you,
(which indicator of bad taste explains her interest in marrying your buddy in the first place...)

... then you're gonna have to be a little more subtle ....
more classy...
more tactful in your planning.

You're gonna have to find out where she draws the line, you know....
--- what's gonna be an issue and what ain't.

Toothless, cracked-out strippers ok, but happy endings are completely out??

This information you need to know- - - -
--- mostly, cause this helps you all get your stories straight and down-pat ahead of time.
(aka- COVER STORY)

Finding this stuff out is harder than it might seem, though......

You can't just come out and ask her: "Listen, what kind of hookers does he like?"

You could try being subtle...
"What kinda hookers would he like if he wasn't getting married to you?"

No..... maybe not... you're just too subtle fer yer own good....... yeah, um hmmm.

Listen....

What you really need to do is give her a rundown of the complete opposite of what you're planning, and ask her opinion.

She'll figure you're just being the considerate lug that you truly are, deep down inside.....


Tell her :

"Yeah, I was planning on inviting a coupla guys from work, and we'd all go over to the IHOP and have the Stuffed Waffles.
After that, maybe go over to the Internet Coffee Cafe and play World of Warcraft.
Wrap it all up with a gelato at the Ice Cream place."

Now, chances are good that she's gonna be going for her "I'm not the jealous type, I want him to have a good time" Academy Award ...

-- and she'll tell ya that you should do something a little more exciting....

she might even suggest some things that you can add to your alibi later...

Aside from her implicit permission to 'have a little harmless fun'....
(that's definitely got potential...)

-- there's actually two types of information that can be constructively gleaned from this interview....

1: Things you must NOT (...get caught doing...) do,

2: People whom you must (....watch out for...) invite.

The lines of the first type of information will probably be a bit obscured........

but she'll probably draw a line in the sand... by suggesting the maximum that's ok with her.

She'll say something like..
"I'm sure he'd like to go to a topless place and ogle some beautiful women..."


This overt statement boils down to another usually unspoken, but clearly intended one:

"You guys better not end up playing "Mother, May I' or 'sloppy seconds' in some cheesy whore house".

As a considerate "best man", you should definitely take that information to heart.

---- Free free to include her suggestion as a part of your cover story. (the topless part- ya dumbass...)

Remember - if you make the story TOO tame, she won't believe it.

Just be sure to give it a moral she'll like... such as "He didn't enjoy the topless place, he was so busy thinking about you."

See how considerate you can be when you wanna be?

The second kind of information is extremely important.

If she suggests that you invite her brother, uncle, -- any blood relative, or if she wants her effeminate flaming friend Gary to tag along--

(you know, that guy that she likes to go clothes shopping with...) this is a red flag...

............ this person is gonna be obligated to report back on any and all festivities as they occur.

Hell, that's why a woman invented the cell phone.

Happily, there's a solution for this problem.

It's called the Dweeb Drop.

All you need is a relatively harmless place to all "meet up", a van just big enough for the guys you actually want to party with, and a nail.

After a drink or two and some innocent fun at an innocent enuf place, you all decide to
go to a place that Al knows on the other end of town.

You guys "just follow us!"

All the regular guys ride in the van, the other ones get to ride in the 'other car'...

the nail strategically placed onto the tire of said other car so that when they pull out... hhhhissssssssssssssssssssss.

Oh, and your cell phones? They've got to be left on the charger at home. Oooooopsie!!

When you see them at the wedding, just say something disarming like...

" Jeezz.... where did you guys get to... We were worried somethin happened to ya!?!? "

-- and smile that sincere, "I really relate to you" smile.

You know the one. The one you use with your in-laws.

Lets go back to developing your cover story for a minute.... there are a couple of words that should never be a part of a good cover story.

These include :

College Girls
Condom
Motel
Happy Ending
Hookers
Vomit
Old Girlfriend
Nude
and any word that ends with the suffix " - JOB "

Now you can have some fun.


But there are still some more rules. Oh, so many rules.

And you gotta follow em, too.....
'cause that deposit on the tux is non refundable, and the reception's gonna be open bar.

Some of these, we've already talked about.....the others, I'll explain as we go along.....

Rule One: Follow all rules. (--otherwise known as "Barney's Generally Specific Rule")

Rule Two: Ask her opinion on your alibi ( err... I mean, plans...)

Rule Three: Start early, and Dweeb Drop your spies, geeks and goofs at a local topless place.
Be sure they got money to enjoy themselves, (It's the gentlemanly thing to do.....)
Keep one non-spy geek or goof to be the designated driver if you want...... but swear him in at the penalty of worse-than-death and make him "watch" the car.

Rule Four: Plan the REAL party out of town.

Let's say you live in Charlotte. You'll want to have your real party in Greensboro, or Columbia.. somewhere far enuf away where you're not gonna run into somebody that knows y'all ... or more importantly, the bride.

A college town is always a good bet. College girls are always thirsty, and they can't resist a good party..., or a guy in a committed relationship.

Not too far away, though....
if you break down in Atlanta, you might not get back in time for the wedding.
Bad nooze, bub.

Rule Five: Get back in time for the wedding.
Avoid situations that might cause the groom to doze off, pass out, be Baker Act'd, declared non compos mentis, maimed, killed, or worst of all, arrested.

This is your solemn trust... no matter how stupid HE acts, you're supposed to get him back to the grieving widow..
................... I mean, blushing bride, in one piece.

If necessary, sacrifice an ear or finger, but don't come back without the corpus delecti.

Rule Sex: (err...., SIX): No keepsies on DNA.

Happy ending(s), or no.... any traces of DNA is to be kept contained and immediately disposed of.

In an emergency, Saran wrap will work just fine.

Rule Seven: Retrieve all your brass, Wipe down all surfaces. Oh, and pay cash for everything.

Rule Eight : Stick to your story. Come hell or high water.... stick to your story. Don't change anything.

Don't admit anything other than what you all already agreed to admit in your cover story. It's your only hope.

If you or your buddy was seen drunk by the parish priest with 2 naked old ladies riding on your also-naked lap- -- like some kinda 25cent mechanical pony outside the Walmart- tell him to his face (in front of the bride, of course..) that he's a g@#$damned liar. (You can always apologize in confession, right?)

Rule Nine: Make sure everybody swears the oath. One guy breaks it, and you all are gonna pay big time.

Now that you know the rules, you can just relax and have fun.

But remember- just as there are words that should never be used in a cover story,
there are also words that should never be applicable to a successful bachelor party.

If you find yourself using one of these words when relating the true events of what actually went on to a 'sworn to keep it secret' fraternity brother, well, then, you oughta be ashamed of yourself, for you have indeed failed miserably.. your plans were shoddy and haphazard,

you have let your buddy down, you have let yourself down, you have let the whole of men-kind down.

( Not to mention you didn't read this blog near careful enough.... )

These words and phrases include:

Caught
Tourniquet
STD
"Turned out to be a guy"
Toothless
Blue Balls
By the Balls
Bite Marks
Rope Burns
Discharge
Morgue
Bullet Casings (of any caliber)
Genital Tattoo (of any type)
Genital Warts (of any type)
Stomach Pump
Welts
Scars
Glory Hole
Yeast
Transfusion
Transvestite
Federal Offense
Manslaughter
Confessed

And if you did it right, well, now, everybody gets to live happily ever after, right?


mmm hmmm..... just be sure you get rid of those pictures from the Exxon station, OK?