I just can't sleep and every single night I go through the same argument with my mind: WHY?

My husband sleeps, snoring happily all night long. My dogs sleep, any and everywhere they can, especially in places they should not, like on top of my antique, red, hand stitched quilt! My cats sleep, all day long, sometimes 20 hours throughout any given day! My goats snooze, nestled in the comfortable, soft alfalfa hay, as does my pot bellied pig, stretched out leg to leg, snuggled all together in the barn. Even the chickens sleep, roosting on ledges or curled up one on top of another in the dark, quite corner, safe from all lurking predators.

So WHY can't I?

As far back as I can remember I could not sleep like the rest of the world. It's not that I am a night owl or a person who loves to work the graveyard shift. I want to sleep, I look forward to sleeping. I cannot and do not nap and I am sometimes envious when I catch a glimpse of my adorable hubby, stretched out for end to end on our soft couch, catching zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's on a Sunday afternoon.

I was raised as part of a tribe, six children, two parents and always a menagerie of critters in our home at any given time. Each fell into slumber easily and were content in their own beds throughout the night.

Back when I was a kid, no one locked their doors and the sliding glass door was opened fully at night, to welcome the cool delta breezes in after a grueling 100+ temp on a hot summer day.

We lived a few miles from a very active air force base. My father was military retired when we relocated to Sacramento after his retirement. I was a toddler when we left Alaska on a military ship and headed for "somewhere over the rainbow". Somehow we ended up a little shy of it, and landed in the Sacramento Valley where summer sometimes trumped spring and fall and lasted into mid winter; 105 degree temps for one to two weeks straight was not uncommon!! Rarely did we enjoy the four seasons, it was normally winter to summer, summer to winter, nothing in between!

I remember crying, big crocodile tears, night after night because I COULD NOT SLEEP! It was tooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot!!!!!! My mother, frugal as she was, did not "believe" in air conditioners and chose not to order it when they sat with contractors to build our home. She swore it was just a waste of money and would make all the kids sick! My poor daddy disagreed, but lost out to her crazy stubborn ways!!! I believe she just wanted to torture us as her mother had tortured her!! And, that she did!!

Tossing and turning for hours on end, dripping in sweat, my sheets wet. I would climb out of bed, and tip toe down the long, hot hallway as the other seven occupants happily slept in their beds. I made way to the hot living room and lay on the hardwood floor right beside the slider door. I remember placing my chubby little toes on the slider, to feel the coolness of the metal track, hoping it would enter my little body and fill me up!

Somewhere before dawn, against all odds, I would finally slip into never, never land. In dream land, I was able to check out and escape reality for at least a brief period. My attempt to escape was short lived, as my brothers would always wake me up with a kick to my pudgy little tummy, and tell me how stupid I was for sleeping on the living room floor!

To make things worse, in those days, there were few rules regarding environmental preservation. The air force base was a training facility for navigators and pilots and B-52's soared high above day in and day out. They tested the engines all night, every night and the sound permeated every crevice of the surrounding town and every nook of my impressionable young mind. With the heat and noise, the odds were against me!!

Yes, I cried big crocodile tears. I was HOT and miserable and the horrible grinding engines invaded the deep passages of my little brain!!!! And, I told no one!!! Oh, I did once, and my mother said, "Don't be silly you can sleep, just go to sleep".... I never confided in her again.

I am a big girl now and I still can't sleep. But, there are no B-52's, no mother depriving me of air conditioning and it rarely climbs into the 100's here. Soooooooooooooooooooooo, why CAN'T I sleep?

I am happy, I have a kind, loving husband and three wonderful sons. I have worked really hard in the last several years to 'STOP worrying' like I did my entire life, so my worry threshold is on the low side these days. I live in a quite town, with friendly people and very little crime (see my crime log hub:-).

It is safe here, I feel safe. My home is cozy and comfortable, and my bed is ever-so-inviting. I am content in life, I SHOULD be able to sleep.

Sure, I have talked to my doctor (many doctor's through the years) about the dilemma, as I have concluded through conversations/lectures, it is very important for longevity and good health, to get a certain amount of rest each night. I have tried several remedies prescribed and nothing works or I awaken with a cob web filled brain, and that I hate!  I have altogether given up with doctor advice!

I have tried "natural" remedies as well, you know, warm milk, warm tea, natural herbs, listening to soft music, ocean sounds and subliminal messages, nothing helps, nothing works.

Why I am different? Was I so traumatized as a little one, that it effects my sleep patterns to this day? Was my inner child frightened into believing it is not easy or safe to sleep? Did I develop a pattern so long ago, one from which there is no escape??

I still try to sleep at night, during the 'normal' hours most creatures sleep. I try to relax and tell myself it's OK to sleep. I tell myself I deserve it, I need it... but, most of the time my mind does not listen. My mind and body rebels nightly and as I toss and turn, the child inside still cries big crocodile tears and longs for escape to never, never land!  Someday.... I hope I find it!!