I stare into the night sky and ponder why my life has come to the impasse. I am 30 years old, almost 31, and my life is far from where I had imagined I would be. I had dreamed that by now I would have had one of those story book weddings most women dream about, but alas I am single with no prospects on the horizon. I truly believe men just do not want to date me and I try to ponder why. However, there are plenty of men that want to have flings with me or random night stands with me, but at 30 I am so past that. When I was young, ignorant, and naive I believed that being intimate with a man would make him magically love me, but now that I am almost thirty I have wisened up, or at least I would like to think so. I see my friends, one after the other, getting married and going on to have mature adult lives with houses, kids, and a family dog. However, I still come home to my studio apartment each night and cook for myself. Most of the time I get really annoyed cooking for myself and just end up buying a lean cuisine dinner and zoning out if front of the television. I do not want to sound hopeless, but I truly believe I am undateable. I think men only want something short term with me and that is it. My experiences over the last ten years have only confirmed this.

I have not had a boyfriend since I was 25, but I have dated or quasi dating several men and was intimate with a couple of them. I always tried to be a good sport and think if I was myself eventually I would get proposed to and be married. Time has gone by and no one wants to marry me, why me? Could it be my looks? When I was younger I was ignorant enough to believe I had a simple beauty some men found attractive. For awhile I dated a man who I actually thought was attracted to me, but then one day we went on a hike and he ended up walking behind me when I was wearing shorts. I kept having these thoughts race through my mind that he was grossed out by the cellulite on my 129 pound body, and I think maybe my fears were accurate. A week later he we went on a trip to Las Vegas and in the hotel we never were intimate, even though he had planned the trip and wanted to go there. He revealed that he did not find me attractive in that way because of little flaws with my body, and I must tell you to this day I have never liked my body completely.

After this experience I tried to fool myself into thinking some men might still find me attractive. I tried to distract myself by thinking well at least men could find me somewhat intelligent, but I always had the nagging feeling deep down they just thought I was an ugly person of semi-intelligence. My first boyfriend had claimed I was beautiful when I was twenty years old, but this long distance relationship did not work out when he moved back to Seattle. We were both from Seattle originally, so I thought when he moved back home we would start a real relationship, but interestingly he stopped calling the day he moved back into town. Like an idiot I guilt tripped him into seeing me after he had blown me off during Holiday season, but my pleading for scraps only delayed his eventually breaking up with me. What is a girl to do? At the time I thought the answer was finding another guy to date, which is how I ended up being set up with the guy that told me I was not attractive on a trip to Las Vegas. Technically Las Vegas guy was my second relationship, but looking back I feel he was just teasing me by saying he wanted to take our relationship to "the next level," and then deciding to reject because of my looks. I really was so insecure by the age of 22 and felt no one would ever want to be with me, which made me settle for yet another unsatisfying relationship three years later.

Admittedly I took a three year break from dating and only focused on school and my career. However, after the three year hiatus I felt stronger and as if I could take on the dating scene again. My third boyfriend ended up lasting a year, but this year was by no means satisfying. He constantly told me he preferred blonds (I was am a brunette), and eventually he broke up with me by never calling again. Towards the beginning of our relationship we were cuddling on the couch one night and he said "Oh I knew our relationship could be more than just sex," but then profusely apologized for making such a blatant and untrue statement. I should have went with his first statement and realized that is all he saw in me. After we broke up I went through another semi-dating hiatus. For the the last six years I have dated people, but most of the men never wanted to see me again because I would not be there one night or random night stands. Some of the guys expressed interest in a friends with benefits type of set-up, but at least I could applaud them for being honest. Other men pretended to want to get to know me better and expressed an interest in dating me, but guess what? These characters never called me after the first date, or would lamely call me again months later to say they missed me, which is a very weird trend I have been experiencing

One guy contacted me via myspace and said he wanted to meet me, so we began a long-term correspondence that eventually turned into telephone calls. One day out of the blue he stopped calling, but then six months later he popped up again. He said he wanted to see me, so I fell for it and the second time we intimate. I thought by the age of 30 I would know better and not make these stupid mistakes, but again and again I think intimacy will translate into false intimacy=love=marriage=babies. My ignorance seems to know no bounds and by this time in my life I should know better! One day he dropped off the map when I told him I was not into casual sex and wanted a relationship, but then he resurfaced six months later to say he missed me! He did not want to date me, he just missed me. I am very tired of these yo-yo situations and I think it is me and not them. Several of the men I dated who could no commit to me have gone on to marry, so I know it is me and not them. My looks are lacking a special something, something, and I am not interested in being a guy's random night stand. Even when I try to have a semi-intellectual conversation the guy always redirects towards suggesting we have a one night stand scenario. Most of these men I haved dated have gone to college and have stable careers, so if you are thinking they act this way because they are uneducated that is not the case. In the end my looks, personality, and mind lack that special something that makes any man want to commit to me, so I give up! I do not want to go through this dating jungle and as I get older my looks will diminish, which will eventually lead to the few men who are interested in me now not even glancing my way five years from now. I give up, I am undateable!