I Can't Sleep... I Want To Die....
67Do I really need to be here?
I struggle everyday. I never have enough money to pay my simplest needs. I have been struggling with thoughts of suicide for many years. I cannot sleep, and that tends to make my feelings of lonliness and dispair worse.
I have always felt like I was different than most people. I have lived with fear, and worry, of failure most of my life. Yes, I was abused as a child. Yes, I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who liked to whip us and yell at us most of the time. But can that really effect a person so badly to want to die? I have had suicide thoughts for over 25 years. And, yes, I have attempted it a few times. The last time was six months ago. I suffer from chronic pain, and, one night, when I couldn't sleep due to pain, I took a dozen Xanax mixed with a handful of Vicodin. A friend happened to come over, and managed to get me to a hospital just in time. I knew I was pushing the envelope, so to speak, and deep down I don't think I really want to die, but I figured if I was meant to die, I would have. I guess God must have sent my friend over to see me. So, I told myself that God must want me here for some reason.
I have been divorced,and single for 27 years. It wasn't so bad while I was busy working and raising my two children. But now that I am disabled and retired, and my kids are grown and gone from my home, I feel so very alone and wonder why I have to be alone. Why hasn't God brought someone into my life to share it with me? Yes, I have asked him to bring a nice man into my life, but no such thing has happened. I am 55 years old.
I have six grandchildren, 7 siblings, two children and their spouses, along with a tremendous amount of friends in my life.....and I love them all so much. I know that many, and in fact, most of them love me too. But, it's not the same as having a spouse....or even a boyfriend. Why? There have been men in my life, but it has never worked out that one has cared for me enough to allow a relationship to really form. I miss the touch of another person. I miss being loved by a man. I know there must be others out there like me. What am I to do?
It just feels like there is no place for me in this life. I am a Christian...Catholic. I believe whole-heartedly in my Lord Jesus Christ. I pray often. I know I am God's child and He said He would love me and care for me. Why hasn't my prayer for a partner been answered? Why hasn't my prayer for financial help been answered? What about my prayer for pain relief?
Today I prayed to God, that if financial help, and a man to form a relationship with, can not be answered, that God would just take me home to a better place. At least in Heaven I won't feel lonely......I won't need money....I won't have any bills! Should I take my own life? Can't God take me and leave some younger person here to have a longer life?
I ponder taking my life to avoid the 'void' in my life, and be free from debt. Can anyone help me?
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Comments
Have you looked for some professional help for your problems? I think you should do so. I also feel that you should start to take control of your own life; work out what you want to do to make you happier and improve your health and put together a plan as to how you are going to get there. Waiting for God to solve all your problems is not going to help you. You appear to have a large family and lots of friends, so count your blessings, try and feel some gratitude for what you do have and as thor6 says 'think positive.
It's not easy, but in the long run only you can turn your life around and make it what you want it to be. As they say 'suicide is a long term solution for a short term problem', so take hold of all of your courage and keep moving forward with your life. :)
Thanks for the posts....I am a smart woman. I am on antidepressants, and have been, along with therapy for many years. I've read every book on subjects of depression and PTSD. I know all about positive thinking and taking charge of your life. I guess I'm just tired....worn out. I've tried and worked hard and things are better, but still not where I wish they were. I mean, I don't have to be rich or beautiful, I just want to be loved and financially stable. I just feel alone all the time. I have no one who really knows me inside, and it makes me sad that I cannot get a relationship with someone. I appreciate your comments.
feeling alittle better since my doctor added a new med. I also just learned my thyroid quit working and I may feel worse because of it. I have a nodule on my thyroid and will have a biopsy this coming week.
HI, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also at this point. I am married w/ two young children and a husband who loves me but is not necessarily the best match for me. I married him thinking I would be able to be self saficiant but am not and it has taken quite a toll on our marriage as I am spoiled rotten and know that. So I beat myself up! I am so frustrated because the pain takes over and I am on the highest dose of meds one can take....due to the amount of tylenol. If I take more I run the risk of liver damage which I can't believe in this day and age we have not come up w/ a way to over come the tylenol delema since it is such a help to people like us. I am sucidal due to the pain and the pain makes me gain weight along w/ the Lyrica I am on for the fibro.....so the viciouse cycle beginis because the weight is a hudge no pu intended....issue for me. I worked a long time to get the excess weight off I had put on trying to eat to stay stimulated and I finally got it off. Now it is back on......I don't want to live as the pain is unbarable.....unless I am on percoset liquid. Then I am fine....but I can only take so much.....My MOHTER gave me the best line one day and said that killing myslelf would be the most selfish act I could do and I had NEVER seen it that way. I had seen it as one lest problem on the planet.....and now w/ the fibro I really feel like a burdan......but I have to remind myself that their are people who love me even though I am not sure why at times....but their are. I am making some good in life even though I am not the perfect parent nor a parent like I expected to be....that is the hardest part as my step child got my best years and not my twins. It is killing me.....I have two of the most amazing children and their Mommy is sick. It stinks!! My family doesn't understand just how bad this is and if they did they may have me commited....or something. My husband would rather just look the other way as he has no clue as to what to do and neither do I.....
I spend hours feeling guilty for feeling the pain and if I show it I feel even more guilty.....I feel guilty for not being 100%...the doctors tell me to change my thinking but how can I when I am in constant pain it is not easy..... this is NOT just a matter of changing my mind. this is real freaking pain. I take some tylenol w/ codone and w/ in 20-40 min. the pain is better usually gone. I am afraid of becomeing like Michael Jackson....all though I don't have his money to get someoen to care for me that way...but I am afraid I just may take one to many pills if my husband were not to lock the meds up as I have asked him to because I am afraid of my own self.....and I am afraid of the pain. I am sick and tired of being in pain.....I can't help but think heaven I would not be in pain.....but then do I really go to heaven if I take my own life? Probably not. I am not going to do anything right now but I am scared....I am scared of the day the meds do not work any more. I am scared for the day my kids say Mom why were you soooo sick and why did you let us watch soooooo much tv.
I love my family I really do....but they will NEVER understand the magnitude of the pain......physically and emtoionally. It is not somethng that can be turned like a switch. I wish it could be
wanted you to know your not alone....and take it one moment at a time.....one second at a time.........as I am....You do it and so will I......PROMISE
Thanks for your comments. I am feeling better. The added Zyprexa 2.5mg and talking with my therapist has really helped. I believe that the Thyroid meds, to raise my levels, may be a help also. I still have problems, but don't we all....but I am alittle more able to face them. I am working on changing my cognitive thinking. I usually think if I make one mistake, I'm a total mistake, but I have found that it not true. I am also praying and reading alot more. I know God has a better plan for me, as I truely believe He does not want any of us to suffer. I am putting one foot in front of the other, day by day, and trying to make each day alittle better. I'd appreciate your prayers. Take care and hang in there!
Just walk and see sights. Dont stay at home. See some colors outside. And then you can carry some of them with you. The colors makes you forget and love everything around you more.
Look, we all have our troubles. I've lived with FMS for over 20 years and I know it doesn't get any easier. But, you have this and it ain't going away...now for the good news...You have the opportunity to give your children and husband the best gift any woman can give her family...a strong, confident and caring role model that shows them no matter how hard it gets, you can carry on and get things done. Just put them first and give yourself permission to have a bad day here and there, then pick yourself up and go on. That way, when your life is at it's end in the far distant future, your family can say you gave it the good fight and was there for all the wonderful things they had to show you...You can do this...You're not alone, we are here.....
thor6 says:
6 months ago
What you have to do is try and think positive mate. i know its bloody hard. I Have fibromyalgia and you get a lot of pain and also short term memory loss or brain fog. However i laugh it off and just say to myself you stupid moron get on with it. I used to be in debt but one day i just wrote to these people and told them my situation and eventually got it sorted out . so keep your chin up cause suicide only hurts your family and not you.
Take care and be safe
Pete