WWE Monday Night Raw

Well, this was a rather sane and enjoyable Monday Night Raw. Theme of the night -- Sanity Makes a Comeback (for now).

Let's start at the beginning of the show. Regal makes Lillian Garcia sing the British National Anthem, "God Save the Queen" (not the Sex Pistols version). Fans are crapping all over it (the song, not the singing).

Regal reminds us he's the GM, so we must show him respect. He says he can throw anybody out of the arena if he wanted to. So, to prove his point, he throws some jabronis out of the arena.

Turns out those jabronis are Mickie James' brother and his girlfriend. OOPS.

Sanity Makes a Comeback (for now)

Mickie comes to the ring to plead for Regal to let them back in. Regal tells her to get out of the ring or he'll strip her of her Women's Championship. Boos all around.

Then, Cena runs in. He's looking good as always, and he escorts Mickie out of the ring. He turns around and tells Regal to shape up and change the way he does business.

Regal tells Cena that Mr. McMahon gave him the power to do whatever he wants.

Cena tells Regal that Mr. McMahon is INSANE.

(hmmm....has somebody been reading my blog? I've been saying that for weeks, read my past cracks below...)

Cena goes on to read some emails talking about how Regal is totally out of line and destroying the Raw product. One email compares Raw to WCW Thunder, which I have never watched but I hear was a pretty ridiculously bad show.

Regal is shocked to his senses. He makes a match between Cena and Orton, with no outside interference allowed.

Sanity!

As Regal begins to leave, Cena warns him that he won't earn respect just by making a good match. Then, Cena pops the crowd with some shout outs to Detroit, and tells Lillian to sing Aretha Franklin's RESPECT.

How could you not like this guy??

btw -- does anybody remember Cena's first match against Kurt Angle? Classic...

Vince Dusts Off the Tag Team Championship

A tag team championship match?! WHAT?! It's been like five months, right?

The match was ok, Holly/Cody against Santino/Carlito, with Piper at ringside. Cody wins with a DDT into a pin on Carlito after a Piper distraction. Pretty forgetable match, much like the tag team championship belt. Piper celebrates with the boys, it's nice to see the guy having fun.

Sanity Makes a Comeback (for now)

Next, Mr. Kennedy comes out to the ramp and says NOBODY is going to shut his mouth. This pops the crowd. He goes on to beat Snitsky in a match that made both of them look good. Snitsky took some intense offense from Kennedy -- a running boot to the face on the corner, some chop blocks. Solid, textbook face squash match.

More sanity as Santino goes off on "Rodney the Piper" in a promo. Can somebody send me a clip of that?

In the next segment, Mickie James comes up to Cena backstage to thank him for standing up for her. She invites him for drinks after the show because "her brother wants to meet him." Cena's like, hell yea baby, and then goes back to his coffee.

Ok, the writers are teasing a Cena-James romance. I'll buy that, as long as its a little side angle.

But Cena drinking coffee? Am I the only one who thinks Cena shouldn't be drinking coffee here? I mean, the guy is about to face Randy Orton one on one...he's a fine-tuned athlete...he's intense and focused...he's a high-energy, high-impact competitor...

Does that guy really need a pick-me-up at 10p?

ANYWHO...

Beth Phoenix and Melina take on Maria and Mickie James. Maria and Mickie do a cute little double-split leg sweep on Melina. The rest of the match was a squash on Melina b/c Beth walked out on her in the middle of the match.

Women...so petty...

Next, Y2J comes down lookin' stylish for a guy who hasn't defended his Intercontinental title on TV since he won it two months ago.

JR tells us the WWE poll says 72% of fans think HBK is faking his knee injury. Y2J says he now believes HBK is not faking the injury, and tells HBK he'll cancel the match out of respect for the injury (or maybe, Y2J is scared that HBK is faking, and is worried he'll lose to HBK, so he's cancelling the match reemptively without losing his dignity...)

On cue, HBK hobbles into the ring. Y2J keeps apologizing. HBK cuts him off to tell him that he actually DID fake his injury. Y2J's confused. He thinks about what HBK is saying, then says HBK is playing mind games, trying to psych him out.

HBK doesn't respond, just says he'll do whatever it takes to win. Y2J is getting frustrated - psyched out?? - and says he doesn't believe anything HBK says. Before he can continue, HBK gives him a superkick and HOPS out of the ring (for emphasis).

Now, I don't know if the younger folks remember these guys in the early part of this decade, in their primes, but both these guys can put on a killer show. Almost enough to get me to buy the PPV...hmmm...

Breath of Fresh Air in a Sane Kinda Way

After the HBK superkick, Jeff Hardy makes a triumphant return! He comes out to the middle of thing, grabs a mic, owns up to his mistake, and says that he's gonna take back his intercont---

Oops, Regal turns off his mic and tells him he should be punished some more (Hardy was suspended in March for drug use). Regal puts him in a match with Umaga (haven't we seen this match enough already?)

Hardy gives the same sort of reaction, as if to say: "this guy again? This was getting old even BEFORE I got suspended for drugs..."

But that's ok, I'll take Hardy any way I can get him. Anyway, the crowd is popping for Hardy left and right, and as we all expected, Hardy wins a short, competitive match with a whisper in the wind.

Well, that was a nice way to send him back to the mid-card.

And after a commercial, we get Cryme Tyme against Murdoch and Cade. Lawler and JR put over Murdoch's singing (ridiculous) and note that Murdoch and Cade have won every match (read - two) since Murdoch started singing.

So these guys put on a nice little match with some good back and forth. Murdoch counters a botched sunset flip into a pin on JTG. Cade is kinda stoked, he grabs the mic and (unbelievable) and asks the crowd if they want to hear him sing. Crowd says no and yes, but Cade says it don't matter, Murdoch's gonna sing.

And the crowd boos...I can't tell if a moose is crying or if Murdoch is singing, but I know I don't want to hear either, and both are really pathetic...

Out of NOWHERE, Cade clocks him with a stiff right hook. I saw this coming four weeks ago - see my first crack from April 14, 2008, and my "Raw ReWrite" from the April 29, 2008 hub. Prediction - Cade goes over in a series of matches, duh.

After another commercial, Beth accuses Melina of intentionally hitting her with a boot last week. When Melina steps to her, Beth starts WAILING on the poor girl. After a bunch of jabronis pull the two apart, Melina looks legit hurt.

Now I Know Why Cena Needed Coffee

Next, another Orton snooze promo. It's like night and day - great in the ring, SNOOZE on the mic. I think Orton put over Triple H for being a tough guy, then put himself over for beating tougher guys than Triple H, and promised he'll take back his championship at Judgment Day. Then he said he's the smartest, most athletic superstar on the roster.

Now I know why Cena needed the coffee, he had to make sure he was awake to hear Orton's entire promo.

Let's fast-forward to the match. Orton comes out to NEW ENTRANCE MUSIC. Hey, nothing you can say, right?

Right, I don't know the words to this one yet.

Cena comes out to his normal entrance music. Cena is WAY over, the crowd is going nuts for him.

Nice match (no surprise). Cena busts out his moves early - running bulldog, fisherman suplex, clotheslines. Then Orton comes back with a body block into a fist exchange. Then Orton catches Cena for some sort of wicked across-the-back backbreaker...could somebody tell me what that's called?

Dueling Cena - Orton chants as Cena's down. Orton tries to do the Orton stomp, but Cena grabs his foot, fights his way up (still holding Orton's foot), and tosses Orton over the top rope (using Orton's foot as leverage). Very clever!

And of course, as I'm getting interested in match, we get a commercial break. When we come back, Orton goes for a cover, Cena kicks out, and then Orton puts Cena into a headlock in the middle of the mat.

Cena fights out of the headlock. They get to an upright position, and Orton tosses Cena against the ropes. Cena springs forward and misses a body block. He flies across the ring and goes down hard. Orton stalks him like a snake, waiting for Cena to stand up so he can hit the RKO.

But Cena blocks the RKO, then hits a bulldog as he flips over Orton in a sweet-looking move! Cena hits the leg-drop from the top rope. Orton sells the leg drop but squirms out of the ring.

Insanity Rears Its Ugly Head

And, as always, just as I'm really enjoying a match, Vince throws in some insanity that makes me tune out: Regal sends JBL to replace the referee.

Cena knocks out JBL, and lifts Orton up for the FU...and then JBL puts Cena to the mat with a big, flabby boot. Orton covers for the pin, and JBL quick-counts Cena. Orton wins.

Triple H comes out, and we have a little schmazz. Orton gets some good shots on Triple H as a steel cage descends slowly from the top. After the steel cage drops down fully, Triple H goes over on Orton, drops him to the outside of the cage and climbs to the top. Standing on the top of the gigantic metal structure, high above the arena floor, he looks down on Orton, who's lying on the ground. He looks up to the heavens. Then he scans the crowd, points to the sky and hits a 30 FOOT MOONSAULT!!!!

No, of course that didn't happen. This isn't a Jeff Hardy match! Triple H doesn't even climb the top rope anymore. He just looked down on Orton as the show went off the air.

The rumor blogs say Triple-H is close to starring in Marvel Comics' upcoming movie Thor. I guess it pays to carry around a big hammer?

I have a theory. WWE wants people to visit WWE.com and go to their live shows. They're devaluing the TV show so that people will go see the show and visit the Web site.

RAW ReWrite

Here's my rewrite. Jeff Hardy.

Why spoil Hardy's return with an Umaga match? I mean, Umaga's good, but we've seen this already. Why not try this:

We know that sooner or later, he's gonna face Y2J for the IC title, right? Tease it now. Instead of seeing him first when he comes out to wrestle, show him backstage, shaking hands with the event staff or something, and then walk past Y2J. They stop, look at eachother for about 4 seconds.

Y2J says "looking for something?"

Hardy says "yea, I'm looking for MY intercontinental championship"

Y2J says "sorry buddy, I don't see it anywhere. I mean, I do see MY intercontinental championship. Pretty nice right? Anyway, hope you find yours. Let me know how that goes."

Then Y2J walks away. Hardy is fuming. He squashes some jobber later in the show.

Next week, he sees Y2J again. Y2J's like, "oh, sorry, can't talk, I'm too focused on my HBK match."

Then, week after week, Y2J finds some excuse to avoid a match with Hardy. Hardy asks Regal to book the match, but Regal tells him his punishment isn't over, and maybe when he's repented enough, he can have an IC match.

So, for like 5-6 weeks, Hardy wrestles mid-carders. DH Smith, Spanky, Snitsky, etc...

Then, Hardy gets into a program with Cade. Maybe Cade becomes a Regal lackey? Maybe Cade takes offense to Hardy thinking he's entitiled to an IC match?

Whatever the reason, they have a nice little run, with Hardy going over.

Then, he sees Y2J again, and attacks him backstage. Incensed, Y2J demands a NONTITLE match on Raw, just to beat the kid up and give him a lesson. But Hardy wins that match. Now, Regal says he can't have an IC champ who loses. He sets up an IC match up for Summerslam.

And then we have a Hardy-Y2J escalation into a great PPV blow-off match. Hardy wins the IC title and moves up to main-event level competition, where he belongs.

Whew! After a hard day at work, I'm looking forward to kicking my feet up, popping open a slim-weiser and watching some good ol' Monday Night rasslin'.

Could be good stuff tonight...Raw Preview says Cena's back. AND this is the first week Jeff Hardy's eligible to return to action (he was suspended in March). Y2J -- HBK heating up. Kennedy -- Regal heating up. Triple H (the KOK) and Randy Orton keeping up the intensity.

Or maybe just Mike Adamle and a black screen. Hmmm...

Read my crack tomorrow afternoon. It's a tough week at work, I won't have time to post before then...sorry...

RAW rating tanked to 3.2...usually hits 3.4...hmm...maybe people don't want to watch a black screen, listen to Trevor Murdoch, or put up with Mike Adamle...

After you read my May 6 crack (below), watch this clip package from Mike Adamle's craptacular debut. Slightly "R" rated, and not in an Edge kinda way...

Oh lord. More insanity. Here's this week's theme: Vince Buries ECW

Feliz Stinko de Mayo

Vince McMahon starts the show. He gets boos from all sides. In typical Vince style, he tells the crowd that when Wiliam Regal pulled the visual on last week's main event, it was reprehensible, deplorable, bold, gutsy, yadda yadda...just like Vince when he was a youngster.

Duh, Vince. You wrote it.

So now I know that Vince supports pissing me off 100%. Does this revelation move any story lines forward? Does this make the show any more enjoyable? Interesting? I guess we'll just have to see about that...

Next, Vince invites Regal to the ring to remind everybody that he can pull the plug on RAW at any time. So I interpret this to mean that any time something interesting happens, RAW will go to black.

BTW the crowd is LIVID right now. Wish I was live in the arena...

To nobody's surpirse, Kennedy comes down to the ring sporting a three-day growth on his face. The crowd pops big-time.

Is this becoming a mid-card version of the Stone Cold / Vince McMahon feud?

Vince Buries ECW

Kennedy challenges Regal to a match. Regal says he wouldn't stoop so low! So, of course, he puts Kennedy in a match with the entire ECW, who are obviously on Kennedy's level.

Say WHAt?!?!? What does it say about a brand when its entire roster is even competition for a mid-carder who hasn't wrestled on TV in a month? And how entertaining is a 15 - on - one brawl?

Anyway, Triple H runs in and pops the crowd. Triple H says he takes offense to Regal turning off the lights and ending his match last week. He took it as a show of disrespect, and tells Regal that if he wants to stay in power, he'd better not go to war with Triple H.

Now, let me paraphrase Regal's response: "oh, I don't want to go to war with you, I want you to bury -- I mean, wrestle -- ECW."

I say "bury" because that's what it is. We all know Triple H is not going to lose tonight. So the writers are basically saying "Ok, the ENTIRE ECW ROSTER can't beat Triple H and a mid-carder."

And CM Punk holds the money-in-the-bank briefcase after losing clean two matches in a row on live TV last week...

Twelve Divas Again, But Only Two Actually Do Anything

Next, a female lumberjack match with Mickie James and Beth Phoenix. No complaints here. The writers scatter a bunch of letters and let the talent have a match. Melina ruins the finish with a really fake-looking "accidental" whack of Beth with her boot. Way too staged.

Or maybe I'm way too picky?

Insanity Abounds Again

In the next segment, Regal puts Y2J in a tag match with HBK to prove that HBK is faking a knee injury. Their opponents? Tag Champs Miz and Morrison.

Finally, a match I want to see. And then, just as I'm getting excited, we get more of this Trevor Murdoch insanity. Singing backstage. Ridiculous waste of TV time until Trish Stratus and Ron "Farooq" Simmons run in for a "DAMN."

Look, if listening to Trevor Murdoch murder a cow is what it takes to get Trish back on TV, I'm down. Especially when you throw in a little Farooq on the side.

Next, Orton puts us to sleep with another lame promo. I actually did fall asleep during this promo -- could somebody tell me what he said? Is he wrestling tonight?

Vince Buries ECW

Oh dear. After a commercial break, a young man named John Cutler jobbed to Paul and Katie Lea Burchill. With Mike Adamle announcing.

WHAT?

Now, maybe this isn't so bad if Adamle's announcing along side JR and Jerry Lawler. But JR was actually KICKED OFF the mic.

You could tell Lawler was like, "WTF is going on?"

I guess the writers said "ok, this sqash is going to be a boring, senseless waste of space, so let's throw in Mike Adamle to prove our point."

WHAT?

And when Adamle talks, makes NO SENSE. He says something about Katie Lea used to be a cheerleader, he makes some weird rhymes, and then he asks if it's only a matter of time before we see Katie Lea with the Divas.

WHAT?

After the match ends, to top it all off, Adamle gets stiffed when he tries to shake Lawler's hand. I am burying my head in my hands as I write this.

Vince Buries ECW

And next, we have the only match I'm looking forward to -- Y2J and HBK v. Miz and Morrison. JR says Miz and Morrison are the future of tag teams in the WWE. Which I guess is true, by default. When's the last time Cody and Holly defended their titles? How are "the Deuce" and "the Domino" doing?

Y2J comes out to a huge pop. Maybe Toronto fans remember the old Trish-Y2J-Christian Cage thing from a while back? Check out this hilarious clip package and learn more about it from youtube.

HBK comes out after Y2J. He sells the knee injury. He can barely walk, but I thnk everybody knows what's gonna happen...

As expected, nice little match. Y2J gives a shout-out to Bret Hart by running chest-first into the turnbuckle. Then, a little back-and-forth until HBK superkicks John Morrison behind the ref's back. Y2J hits the lionsault into a pin.

Hmm... is HBK really injured? The mystery continues...

Ok, that match was short, predictable, but enjoyable. So the next match, Randy Orton v. CM Punk, can't possibly involve any interference from Regal...like, for example, putting the lights out in the middle of the match?

Wrong. After Punk and Orton make each other look good in another nice match, Regal cuts the lights and declares no contest.

Insanity.

Am I missing something here? I thought the TV shows are supposed to make the wrestlers look GOOD, not turn the lights off of every decent match. Is Mike Adamle on the writing team, too??

The only thing that would piss me off more is a JBL squash match -- with the lights on.

Shtick Returns, Sober

So RKO is LIVID about getting the lights pulled, and he says he's going to kick the crap out of Regal. I think I'd enjoy watching that...so, it will not happen, of course.

Which brings us to Carlito's Cabana, with guest Rowdy Roddy Piper. Piper puts on a killer promo -- a recap doesn't do it justice. Crowd loves it.

Then, Santino says Piper took 8 years to win his intercontinental belt, but Santino did it in his first night. Piper shoots on Santino's DUI and the crowd starts chanting "D-U-I." Good shtick.

Cody runs in with Cryme Tyme. They clear house, and get the crowd chanting "Rowdy, Rowdy, Yea, Yea."

I don't know what Cryme Tyme has to do with the situation. I guess the writers couldn't think of any better way to go home with the segment. Moving along...

SO, out of nowhere, WWE announces a JBL-Cena match for Judgment Day. And to make us all take JBL seriously, WWE has him flab all over jobber DH Smith. I'm sure his dad, the British Bulldog, is proud. Way to crap all over the Hart family.

Am I the only one who thinks JBL looks pathetic? Seriously, are main eventers allowed to have man-boobs in this day and age?

Vince Buries ECW

Speaking of main events, the Triple H / Double Kennedy v. ECW match is on next. The match starts with Kennedy and Elijah Burke locking up. They go back and forth until Kennedy tags Triple H and Burke tags (ahem) Matt Striker. Triple H beats the crud out of Striker. Striker squirms away and tags Mike Knox (ugh). Knox puts Kennedy down and tags in Chavito (aieee!), who covers for a near fall.

Chavito tags in Kofi Kingston, who works over Kennedy some more, then tags in Tommy Dreamer. And, so far, NOBODY from ECW's side has had a chance to show anything. Each person gets all of three seconds in the ring.

How can anybody get over on the RAW audience with this insanity? Nobody looks good in this match.

As expected, the match degenerates into a schmazz, with ECW infighting and cheap shots all over. Chavito gets a cheap pin on Kennedy, and then more madness ensues.

God, I wish somebody would turn the lights out on THIS nonsense.

And my prayers get answered. As Triple H is whacking each member of ECW with chair, the lights do go out. When they come back on, Orton drops an RKO on Triple H. End of Show.

I suspect Orton is in cahoots with Regal...hmmm...

Raw ReWrite

Mike Adamle.

What is this insanity? I have nothing else to say. Keep him off of RAW. For his sake. For our sake.

Bad enough we have to see the entire ECW roster buried on live TV. Spare us the Adamle nonsense. Don't make us turn the channel in the middle of the show. Half of us won't come back.

Mike Adamle...

Another RAW tonight. Hmmm....

Read the kayfabe RAW preview from WWE. I'll get back to you on that tomorrow.

Hey, Dick Meltzer's Wrestling Observer said RAW head writer Brian Gerwitz cancelled his summer vacation to work on new, more interesting angles. Does that mean we'll get to see more JBL flabbing around the ring?

Actually, last week's overrun did a 4.17 nielsen rating, well above the normal 3.5 or so. Did that rating pop because of a killer main event, or because five million people watched a blank screen?

4/14/2008

I'm a sensible person. With the exception of my bizarre attachment to professional wrestling. Every Monday, I kick my wife out of the bedroom so I can watch WWE Monday Night Raw without interruption on the TiVo (we only have one DVR).

Sometimes, I get so into the show that I will actually jump out of my seat. I get ridiculously into it. Sometimes I'll actually yell at the TV screen. I mark out all the time. My wife almost called the cops when I leaped out of my seat and screamed "Holy XXXX" at the end of the Hardy-Umaga Cage Match on January 7. (Youtube it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM5QSmFchUc&feature=related)

I say that to say this:

Let me give you my recap, predictions, analysis on Raw. I'll also pass along some good links, dish out some backstage news. Hey, if you want, I can also give my take on TNA Impact (but not in this post).

Come back tomorrow and I'll give you the Raw Deal.