By Wes J. Pimentel

            I believe the union between a man and a woman was intended to be a beautiful thing. In our recent history, however, this sacred institution has eroded and mutated into an unrecognizable human farce. It seems our society has moved past the need or even the desire to engage in these lifelong pairings. I, for one, agree that it is outdated, unnecessary and even destructive sometimes.

“Destructive? How?” Have you ever seen a miserable married couple? I have. I’ve seen anger and repulsion between married people at every stage of the game; from the wedding, to the newlywed phase, to just after the first kid, to with kids, to after the kids are gone, and so forth. In fact, how many couples have you known that you can honestly say have that spark, that magic? I’ll bet the answer is hardly any. Seeing that sort of connection is so rare nowadays, it seems almost foreign to most of us. When we do see it, it’s like an event. People turn to each other in amazement like, “Did you see how happy they are?!” We react the same way we would after a really incredible magic trick.

You can’t convince me that living with someone you can’t stand isn’t destructive to both of you. Got kids? Even worse. Children understand abstractions on a deeply intuitive level. When Mommy hates Daddy, they know it way before Mommy expresses it. So, now your miserable union is affecting not only each other, but these little people you’ve brought into the world to supposedly mold into “good” adults. Don’t even get me started on what divorce does to the minds of children.

Marriage was established at a time when men ran everything. That’s pretty much the only environment in which marriage can work. In order for a woman to wholly relinquish control of her life to a man, she must be convinced that to do otherwise would lead to punishment or death. When marriage was established, fathers would give their daughters over to men to “have” just as they had been doing up until that point. The husband was expected to keep her in line. If that meant a little roughing-up, no one minded because it was the norm. Obviously, the wife didn’t dig being hit too much, but she understood, because she related it to how she had to hit the kids to keep them in line.

Those times are long gone. Now, women are out there in the workforce, they can vote and hold public office; they’re constantly being pushed toward “sexual liberation” by the mass-media, and are now told that equality with men should be one of their primary goals. Our society has given to “the weaker sex” what the men have had all along. Great. I say it’s about time. Now that we’ve created these super women though, how can we expect them to submit to the will of a man in their own castles? This ridiculous expectation is like telling a man to go be someone’s wife. Sounds dumb, right? Then, we agree. Marriage is dumb, in America, today.

So, what’s the solution? I don’t know about you, but I know what my idea of the perfect family is. I want to have two live-in girlfriends at all times. They must be bisexual, and they must have at least one major interest each. This hobby, sport, activity, art form, educational goal, or job must a) provide each one with a social network and b) be a HUGE part of each of their lives. That’s it; me and two hot, young chicks at the crib. No kids. I figure the U.S. has three-hundred-million people in it already, so why crowd the place? Besides, I’m so unabashedly self-centered, there’s no way I could care for a kid, much less dedicate my life to it, like you’re supposed to. Furthermore, when kids are anywhere from eight months to two years old, they seem to constantly have drool and/or boogers on their face that tend to get everywhere. I hate that.

You might be wondering why my chicks have to have an activity they’re really into (if you’re wondering why they have to be bisexual, stop reading this immediately because you lack the intellect to comprehend the rest of it). Well, although I love the idea of two hot little nymphs waiting for me at home all the time, I absolutely can’t stand air-heads. I want two fully-formed, active personalities. I want them each to have their own social networks, so they don’t have to depend and rely on me for all of their approval and affirmation. That’s another huge drawback to marriage. When a woman “gives herself to you completely” it’s like you have to constantly baby-sit her self-esteem. An accomplished woman is less apt to need you to tell her she’s pretty all the time. If you weren’t pretty, I wouldn’t have married you, dumbass (don’t try that at home). Plus, I just love a woman with a passion for something.

I know people are going to ask, “Well, are you going to care if they cheat?” Guess what, smart guy. Caring about cheating doesn’t stop it from happening. Neither does marriage or anything else. If a woman wants to have sex with a guy, it’s probably going down no matter what you do. If you want a woman you can control and dominate, go to Saudi Arabia. I don’t want a couple of goody-two-shoes. I want lots of fun sex with two beautiful, well-adjusted, sexually liberated women. If they’re going to be getting a little extra action on the side, then so be it. Crying about it won’t change anything.

Now, I know a lot of you married guys are thinking, if this guy can’t handle the emotional needs of one woman, how’s he going to deal with two? Two words: private quarters. Although there will be a bedroom for all three of us, I will also have private bedrooms for each of us. That way, if any one of us is feeling in need of some nocturnal solitude, we can have it. The same goes for living rooms and dens; one for each. As you can see, my house is already up to at least about 10 rooms. I wouldn’t even be able to afford living space for any kids.

So, there you have it. A happy marriage used to be possible, but now it’s a myth. I say design your own family and go for it. If anyone gives you any shit about it, refer them to me. I’ll have my girls send them a cyber-album of all our wonderful exploits in our 15 room home.