I Hate Cell Phones and Text Messages

A few weeks ago I published an article entitled "things that piss me off." This particular article took off and is currently my most viewed article to date. Apparently I am not alone in my rants and complaints on all things I find irritating; you can view that article by clicking this link http://hubpages.com/hub/Things-That-Piss-Me-Off. Well, for everyone who was a fan of that article, I have a new one that you may or may not agree with that is somewhat on the same level as the previously mentioned article. I look forward to all the comments and opinions so here we go. Caution this article contains explicit language.

One thing that was not included in that list is something that infuriates me on a daily basis and I don't know how it could have escaped my mind and slipped through the cracks. Today, I bring that annoyance to the forefront and release my frustration, vengeance and hatred for the every popular cell phone. Every one has a cell phone, everyone seems to rely on it and everyone seems to over-use it.

I have a cell phone along with the rest of the free world and while most have come to love, rely and enjoy their particular piece of technology; I have come to absolutely despise it. I hate that I am always in contact and communication with everyone all the time. I hate that people assume if you have a cell phone, you are available every second of the fucking day. I hate that you can't just get away for a few hours without getting numerous text messages and voice mails from people irritated that they can't get in contact with you. If I ever assault someone while they are on the phone, be warned, no matter what color or race the person on the end of my foot is, it is indeed a hate crime.

Let me get right into my first irritating fact about cell phones; they make people into horrible drivers. I am so sick of driving to and from work and sitting behind some driving erratically or slow as shit because they are on the fucking phone. I get so frustrated that I seriously ponder the possibility of smashing my car into them suddenly crashing their car or truck into a ditch where their car will be consumed in flames and I can hear the passengers telling their friends or family on the cell phone that they are burning to death. Their ear and hand will melt to the cell phone and they will have to be buried with that fucking phone forever. I will then attend the funeral and promptly call the cell phone from the service and laugh over the voice mail, which would certainly brighten my day.

Oh, I also love the assholes who try to talk and text at the same time. That's not too dangerous is it? Holy shit, I would rather be on the road with a drunk than these pickle-kissing fucks while they try to drive and text their friends about some non-important gibberish. I see people at red lights all the time texting their heart out, not paying attention to the changing light and making me have to blow my horn on my vehicle to get their ass moving. They don't even fucking care either...they continue to drive (slowly), serve and text as they go on their merry way. I think next time I am at a stop light and I witness this act again, I am going to quickly exit my car, walk to the driver in front of me, reach into their car and push their face into the steering wheel over and over again while I take their cell phone, drop it onto the ground and piss on it. Well, I'll be honest with you, that won't happen; I have trouble pissing in front of people.

Next I want to talk about the people who cannot live without their phone for more than ten minutes. Let me make this clear...there is no need for any human being to have to call and text all day. I am tired of all the people who say they cannot do their job / profession and/or career without the phone because that is just a bunch of malarkey. Here are a few professions that I will give a pass to regarding needing a cell phone at all time: hookers, truck drivers, cab drivers and police detectives. Other than that, I say to you folks with a cell attached to the hip, quit being a pussy and act like a fucking grown-up. The world does not revolve around you cock-smokers!

Just the other day I was listening to "The Herd" on ESPN radio. The host; Colin Cowherd, was making his comments on a story in which a golf club banned cell phone use on the coarse. He was livid that cell phones were banned and said it was ridiculous to think people can go 5-6 hours without their cell phone. He said successful people all use their cell phone and need to check emails and voice-mails at least every hour. Are you serious Colin? I seem to remember a lot of rich and successful people were around before the invention of the precious cell phone. I think Donald trump was already a millionaire before he had a cell phone attached to him at all times. There is no need to have to drop everything you are doing to appease some fuckface in a matter of seconds.

Before cell phones were invented and placed in our lives forever, if you called someone's office or home, you left a message and they would eventually call back. Apparently now, we as a society has the patience of an autistic flea and can't seem to grasp the fact that people like me are not willing to be accessible to everyone all the fucking time. When I go to the airport, a restaurant, a Cubs game, the golf coarse or the fucking movie theater, I want to start kicking people in the genitalia when they decide it is absolutely necessary to strike up a phone conversation.

A quick side note, I can't stand it when I go to a Cubs game and I am sitting next to someone talking to one of their friends on the phone that is also at the game in a different section while they try to find where each person is sitting. You are both at the Cubs game, watch the game, who fucking cares where you retarded friend is sitting. Seriously, it has happened on multiple occasions and the next time it does, the grass at Wrigley Field will be getting a close look at that particular phone as I hurl it into the outfield. Since I ma the mayor of Cubby-Town, they will be banned from being a fan from that point on.

How bout those dick-holes and cunts that decide to use the Bluetooth technology and carry on conversation that looks like they are talking to themselves. I hate it when I am at the store and someone starts talking out of nowhere and I think they are talking to me so I quickly respond or ask them if they are talking to me only to get a dirty look. Excuse me for not knowing you have a fucking ear piece in you fucking piece of shit; I am only try to be helpful. They should smile at me and tell me they are on the phone and that they are a self-centered twat that has no respect for other people in their vicinity. If I had a baseball bat I would like to give that ear a home-run swing and permanently lodge the ear-bund into their tiny pea-brain. Can you hear me now dingleberry?

Lastly, I know this is going to get me in some sort of trouble, but my wife has pushed me to my breaking point. Since my wife has gotten a cell phone it has become increasingly apparent that she has some sort of texting addiction along with her sisters. Every day she, her sisters and her friends text hundreds of text back and forth. Now, don't get me wrong, these are very important texts such as "I'm Tired", "Baby Shit Again", "I stubbed my toe", blah blah blah. How could we live without those very important nuggets of information?

It would be one thing if the text amongst each other while I was at work or gone, but nooooo, this lasts from the moment they wake to when they go to sleep; sometimes text come in while they are sleeping. Not twenty minutes goes by without the sound of a text coming into my wife's cell phone. I can't help but get irritated when I am with my family, talking, having dinner or anything else and I watch my wife put on a text-fest right in front of me. No one would stand for someone who continually interrupts a person as they speak, but apparently text messages are not considered interruptions as I see them, but in fact take precedence over anything I may be talking about. When I try to portray this to my wife, I must suddenly change ethnicities and speak in a language she is not familiar with because she never sees what I am talking about and never will.

I can't tell you how many days I thought to myself of how wonderful a feeling it would be to completely destroy my wife's cell phone. Every time we drive together I daydream about snatching the phone out of her hand and tossing it out the window of my car while watching it explode into a million pieces on the pavement. Snap back to reality, and if I did that, it would be like murdering our children, I would be divorced and alone. She always tells me she needs the phone in case someone needs her; sure, whatever makes you sleep better at night.

Anyway, after digging myself an early grave by bringing my wife into this article I want to end on a serious note. I am not saying we should not have cell phones because they are very important when it comes to dealing with emergencies and keeping in contact with your children, but this over-use is getting completely out of hand. You CAN turn the cell phone off for a day; you CAN go on vacation without a cell phone and YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE IN CONTACT WITH EVERYONE ALL THE TIME!