I Have Loved You Ever Since
94
Love is Fleeting
Sometimes when we'd sleep I'd wake up and look down at your tranquil face and wonder how I had deserved such a miraculous gift. You were everything I'd ever wanted and the first time you looked up at me with your sage green eyes I knew, and have loved you ever since. Two years seems like an ocean of time when I think about all that has come between us. We seem separated by a gulf of anger and mistrust that is too far and vast for any man to ever cross. The words we spoke have burnt away the love we started and grew together. Now the blackened burnt out husk of something great stands like the withered bones of some ancient beast, bleached white by the sun and scoured clean by the blowing sand of my deserted heart. Despite the way it started or the terrible way it ended I know that the person I am in love with is a ghost that no longer exists. My feelings are a chain, binding me to a past that will never be again, and will never let me be happy. I have to say goodbye to you Kristen I have to give up, and let go there's nothing left for me in this illusion.
Ever since that night we stood outside my apartment with the snowflakes falling down I have loved you. Ever since the first time I kissed you and felt your lips touch mine, I have loved you. Ever since you laughed at my stupid joke and pretended it was funny. Ever since that time we fell asleep on the couch and you buried your face in my chest and pulled me tight. I have loved you. Two years later my bed is empty, my mind is quiet, my heart is cooled and I wonder about you. I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, if you’re happy and filled with joy, if your heart is healed and laughing once again. I wonder if you have forgiven me for the things I did and have hated ever since. I wonder if I will ever know the feeling you gave me that night when the snow came down. Standing there with you, illuminated by the light of your joy, cradled by your magnificent optimism, and liberated by the binding love of two hearts locked as one, I was free, but I’ve been in chains ever since.
I dream about you still, waking up to what I swear was the sound of your voice. I think about things, about moments lost to time and clouded over by regret. I am always trying to take one more step, one more effort to move ahead. I push and strain against walls and topple them down. I break through barriers and do what I thought I couldn’t, so why can’t I move past you? Two years later I am still a prisoner to your face, enthralled by your memory, enslaved by an idea. I am free in so many ways, walking the world liberated and inspired to overcome, except when it comes to you. My heart is so full of longing and desire to find love again that it drives my every waking thought. How can I let someone in though when you’re still occupying my heart? How will I ever move past you when I am always thinking of the past?
Sometimes I wish you were dead. It’s a horrible thought and selfish, but had you died then at least I could mourn and move on. You’re not though, you’re still alive and out there somewhere with another guy doing the things we planned to do, living the life we planned to live. Here I am stuck in this life though hoping for a new beginning and start. Trying my best to become a better man, I can’t help but wish you could see what I’ve done, know how much I’ve changed, but you won’t. I think I am obsessed with an idea, a fantasy of what could have been. I think I’m in love with a ghost and person that no longer exists. I think I’m hopeless and deluded. I think, and think, and really need to stop. I think what I really need to do is say goodbye and see the truth that I have made for myself. Two years ago our life together ended, and I have been afraid ever since. It’s a terrible thing to live in fear, lost in the dark waiting for the dawn. I want to see the light again, to feel the warmth wash over me. I want another angel, another reason, another reminder. I want to be alive again. I just want something.
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You expressed yourself so eloquently, I can feel your pain, understand your anguish and empathize with your need
A well expressed, deep thoughtful hub. It was an inspiration to read it. Thank you.
I feel for you dude, because this could have easily been copied from within my own head. But do whatever you must to move on and forget ASAP. You'd be surprised at how quickly those two years become six, just sat around wondering what the hell happened, I'd guess that whole life-times could be consumed by such thoughts.
Beautifully written and honest hub, best wishes.
We all have to find our own way.
All the best,
Jess
We all make mistakes, and many of us have found ourselves haunted by a past love who has moved on. I am one of those people. I have finally come to terms with it, though. It took me years, but I did it.
It helps to know that you learned from the experience. The hardest part is letting go when you can't forgive yourself for something you did in the relationship.
My heart goes out to you, and I wish you happiness. It is so hard to move on sometimes when we feel this way, but the world doesn't stop when we want to get off the merry-go-round.
Think of it as one door in your life has closed so that others may open. Face it with an open heart and know that soon, just the right person is going to come into your life and that you have to have a positive attitude or you will scare her away.
Be open to love again. We all need love. It's hard for me sometimes to not feel bitter with the losses I have suffered in the love arena. But I get back up, dust myself off and get right back in that ring.
I will never give up on making my life a happy one. Strive for health, wealth, love and perfect self-expression. I see you are already doing some of that, just add to it!
thanks for this .. i really love my wife..
WOw, very intense, one time in the past i remember I felt these things......it still hurts at times....but then we have to move on....is still very easy thing to say, but hard to do, one step at a time maybe....you love instensely, lost intensely, but sure we can all go beyond that.....wish you all the love you will have in the future....
Acknowledging "we need to move on" and being able to do so are two very different things, aren't they. Sounds like the pain is still pretty fresh, though.
breakfastpop is right, though, it begins with love - and forgiveness. Learning to let go of the past and to forgive oneself is often the hardest lesson but the first step towards true healing.
Honest and haunting - some lovely writing here!
I can certainly empathize with you, Scott. I think I found--no, check that--I KNOW I found the lady that I've been looking for my entire life, but the timing is off on it. But I keep with me my hopes that one day we will be together and when situations arise in which dispel my notions of every being with her, I will BELIEVE. Don't stop believing, my friend. She's right around the corner.
'I Have Loved You Ever Since'
Difficult to forget , if you're still saying it.
Beautiful. True feelings are the hardest to express.
Trying to do the same thing as you...move on .Have a husband now and still thinking of him and wanting to feel again the way He made me feel.
I wish you all the luck.
Thank you everyone that has commented. Moving on is a hard thing when there's nothing else to focus on for sure. Finding someone new is usually the catalyst we need to force those memories from our thoughts and open up to new things. I hope in the year to come to find someone new and began life again. For all of you that have expressed your own pain, I thank you for your honesty and strength. We will be alright.
You are a tremendous writer. Remember me when you go on to fortune and fame. You bared it all here, brother. That takes guts and you've got 'em. I have been in your shoes. It was a long time ago. I decided then I never wanted to get in that deep again—and I haven't. It's simply too painful.
Thank you James, but I don't think fame and fortune will come from writing for me. I've decided to take matters into my own hands and go on to college and a degree. I have ideas and plans that need fleshing out, and it can't go as far as I want it on HP or blogs. I plan to excel in many dimensions.
Scott, again such powerful writing, and such a bittersweet thing to write about.
I Only wish I had your strenght.
So bittersweet and so beautiful!
You've taken the first step just by wanting to be free - don't let anyone tell you it's easy and can be done just by willing it. Time is the only healer - more for some, less for others. I've found 'more' for those who care more deeply. One day, you'll look back and realise just what a lot of beautiful writing this contributed to - till then, here's to new avenues that help your heart heal faster!
Amazingly beautiful hub. Thanks for sharing something so intimate.
My goodness, I really feel your pain. You put it all out there. Thank you for sharing. I wanted to say what came to mind about having loved and lost but it sounded too trite.
Gripping hub. When you're ready and not a minute before, you'll do what makes you feel good.
Thank you guys and gals, I cannot believe how well this Hub has resonated with readers. I've never had an article get so many views in one day. Guess it just shows that love is a universal topic.
This such a beautiful letter the fact that you are writing about it is a step forward so keep on doing what your doing and good luck.
HEARTBREAKING BEAUTIFUL in its honesty, and pain. Been there myself several times, but I quit looking and Love FOUND me in the end. You'll get there eventually! Good luck buddy! I pray that you find HAPPINESS, you'll always have LOVE! Bless you!
Scott I must say this is good stuff.
Very beautiful writing! Love is a great feeling, one of very few that make us feel alive......
Very moving. I love the way you loved and the memories that remind how and why you loved...
You're amazing man. I don't want to call this a hub, but poetry. Its been four years since her and I took on our parallel lives yet i still miss her and still love her. But like you said "we will be alright".
Awesome hub, beautifully written, honest, and inspiring. I hope you find that something you're looking for.
Very powerful, I could feel your emotions rushing through me. Very poetic and descriptive. Good luck to you scott and I hope that you can move on and find another one!
I am truly surprised at how popular this article has been. I only intended it to be a therapeutic way to excise a recent dream I had from mind and to help move past a painful reminder on the anniversary of a tragic month for me. I lost my fiance not even two hours before my mother suffered a lethal stroke and just a few weeks before my grandmother also passed. With the suddenness of our breakup, which was initially just a fight before all the rest happened, I truly felt like she had died also. Standing at my mother's graveside i had never felt so completely alone. My fiancee was my best friend and without her support it was difficult to deal with the events of the winter of 2007, to say the least.
In the months and now years since I have often prayed for her happiness and well being and was somewhat relieved and simultaneously shattered to hear of her engagement this past summer. In my mind i had hoped for an opportunity to at least speak again face to face and go over what had happened and redeem myself to her, but that time has now passed and I am left with no other option but to bury this unfortunate relationship and move on. I am deeply moved to see such an outpouring of response to this article though and to see just how universal heartbreak and loss can be and to see how much so many people have in common and the compassion strangers can show. The comments in this hub by all of you are reminders to me of why I try so hard and care so much about helping people, and wanting to see a better world. Thank you all for your time and comments.
Wow....Scott, this really moved me. Beautifully written and delivered directly to my heart. You took me there and I felt every raw emotion mentally and physically. Wow. You have a great talent... build upon it!!
wow i can sorta relate....hmm
Oh man can I relate to your feelings, chains, and wanting something. I have a ghost from my past and I hope you find what you seek. This is a truly beautiful hub and it is not too often I come across a guy who can write out his feelings like this. They must be intense.
good hub, thx
Scott: Please read "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". It's available on Amazon. Wow, what can I say? I feel your pain. It won't always hurt so bad as time has probably already shown you. I'm so sorry you experienced such loss & grief.
Great writing. Chris
Really moving hub! I loved it. I hope things turn out for you and remember to smile. It makes the pain go away.
Exressed very well.. like your hub and the way you have crafted the hub.. loveis the feeling that cannot be expressed by words but can be conveyd by different ways..
Thanks for sharing this beautiful hub. The way you expressed your feelings with the words you wrote really touched me.
Wow. Your words were soo poetic, and moving. I am sorry for your loss. Perhaps, she helped to mold you into the man, you were meant to be. And there's the perfect woman out there, waiting for you. Only.. you haven't met her yet. :)
Wow! Heartbreaking and touching. I feel for you, but know you are not alone. I wish you peace.
Scott, sometimes when we experience severe trauma, as you did losing your loved ones so close together, it can cause almost a post-traumatic stress reaction. It's as if the pain you experience in that moment imprints on your brain in such a way that you can't stop thinking about it and when you do, the emotions are as raw as the first time you felt them. I hope by writing this article and having the support of this community it is helping you move on. And please don't give up on finding love. If the majority of us who have ever been profoundly hurt by others let that stop us from ever loving deeply again there would be an awful lot of people wandering around very lonely indeed.
Thank you everyone for your comments and support. Once again I am surprised at the popularity of this article. I appreciate all your words and advice.
I like this poem of yours.. it touches my heart. For a woman like me who had been hurt.. it takes a long to heal but when the right person comes.. the past will just part of the memory.. and u will finally say, He or she is the right one.
Very beautiful, eloquent, deep, and touching. . . a story of part of life that resonates deeply with many people, as so many of us have gone through that situation.
I hope you find the peace you seek. Also, keep writing, you really have a wonderful gift for it!
Thanks for sharing such a moving piece of writing. Honesty combined with a powerful sense of words have made it popular. You wrote from your heart with an engaged mind - a powerful combination.
I empathise with your feelings. I've been there myself.
Love and peace
Tony
I'd hate to play the asshole here, but maybe you just need a good two months of inebriation. That should fill that emptiness for a bit; at least it'll undoubtedly keep some of that thinking to a minumum.
Hey it worked for me. I think.
Yes,
at one point or other we get hurt, and it pains a lot but to sit back and feel the pain and cherish those memories will never find a solution for all your sufferings, take a brave step ahead, just one more step forward and you will certainly will find a new heart which will understand you and give everything to you where you will see the worth of it. Very well written, scott.
@ChristianWhy, that seemed like good advice when I first tried it, but eventually the buzz wore off. This piece was just about expelling some old thoughts that were brought up by a dream. @Tony thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your comment, @eswar, all things in time, thanks for your comment.
This was awesome; brought tears to my eyes. To read how emotional a man can get.... wow! Loved it. I hope you can move on and get by. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Not sure of how things are with you now, but I guarantee when you find the right one, you will know. Keep your head up. I would love to read more from you. Fellow writer, bookgyrl.
All the while when I was reading and trying hard to stop my tears, I was wishing that the guy in the scene should not be you ...
If emotions kill you, it's time you kill them, at least for the time being. Enough of mourning, buddy. Make this sad moment the last and find out ways to keep you busy and away from the thought.
I have no word of sympathy for you as it weakens. I have been in such hell, but I tried to come out of it by my own rather than going to a psychiatrist. Your standing back will give you confidence and will show you further path of your life.
All the best.
Very Moving read. When the heart breaks it is unbearable at times. My heart has been torn apart many times. Losing my son was the hardest...a forever grief that peaks its uglyness to crumble me once again. I hope you find true love and a soul mate to share your feelings, your love, your passion and your writings...SD
i love it
I must say you write good. The hub is really an emotional and heart touching hub.
Scott, I hate this hub. I hate that it has to exist. I'm going through the same thing right now, so I know what you feel. And it scares me that you still feel so intensely after two years. (As I was hoping time would heal me.)
I think the pain won't go away until you find new love. Also, self-talk counts a lot. If you keep telling yourself how wonderful she is, her ghost will haunt you forever. I stop here, as I don't want to mess with your head, (which seems to be much cleaner than mine).
U Deserve to be a number one position in HUB ..
I really like ur work.. its outstanding ..
Keep it up
I was so moved by your hub, I had to comment to tell you. You should rent 500 days of summer. It should help you and give you some hope! :)
Best of luck and much love!
Scott, life is tough and art can save us. Expressing yourself is the first step. Good luck and keep writing
breakfastpop says:
2 weeks ago
Beautiful hub. Set yourself free and get out there and live. If you love yourself enough, love will find you and you can truly begin your life anew. I wish you the best and most of all...I wish you love..