Let's get one thing straight: I am a Roman Catholic, and I deeply believe in God.

 When I looked back on the days I was able to regularly attend mass in church, I realized I only went because my Catholic school, as well as society, dictated that I take a day to be with God so that a.) I am a sinner and I attend church to ask for forgiveness, b.) I could celebrate the glory of God and his creations, c.) I would be a better person, d.) etc, etc. Fill in the blanks there for me.

 I found it strange, that people come to church, all claiming what horrible sinners they are, begging for mercy from God. If my religion tells me that my God takes sides and keeps record of every bad deed I've done and warns that I will go to hell because of that record, then everything's a sham. I mean, if I remember correctly, God gave us free will. If you think about it, God doesn't punish or reward us- we punish and reward ourselves.

I would probably go to church to marvel in its solemnity. Yet I never felt God in there. I always found his presence, surprisingly, outside the church. Have you ever drove through a road surrounded by blossoming fire trees, or a neighborhood where you notice someone's yellow bells are in full radiance? It's positively breathtaking, and you know it's Him, smiling. I've only seen a few newborn babies in my life, but they never fail to amaze me: they're indeed a bundle of joy and a laborous miracle that only He could make possible. It's Him giving these newborns a chance to live in earth crammed with heaven. When I lie down on the summer grass, and feel the wind sweep down on me- or when I walk along the shores of the beach while the sun is setting- you suddenly realize that He's been there all along and we just need to drink in these ordinary, harmonious moments to feel His endearing presence.

  On days I'm feeling down, I walk up to a member of the family and ask for hug because I've used up my last one. My little brother usually indulges in my request, and he may not be God, but the very fact I have him to comfort myself makes me thankful that God has given me someone who has no problem giving me hugs.

 My prayers are not long. I am not embarassed to say that they're not filled with Hail Marys, names of saints, Apostles' creed... Everytime I pray, it is the prayer of thanks. I thank him for the big things in my life (family, friends, kind strangers, home, health), as well as the small things (kittens, puppies, chocolate, cake, music, etc.)

 I am also thankful, that he does not let the sun shine and moon glow discriminately. Now that's an example of  forgiveness and universal, unconditional love. If orchards only chose to grow for "deserving people", then both orchard and people will perish.

 The rare moments I felt God in church, was when I'm absolutely filled with gratitude and realizing how abundant the world is. There's this quote I happened to stumble upon, which I found, perfectly describes what I feel.

"She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. They come to church to share God, not find God."

- from Alice Walker's "The Color Purple."