So, you read the title.. That's right, I slept with my ex-husband, again. Honestly, my mind says "why do you do this?" and then replies "You'll always love him. You've got a history together, and you're weak when tempted! duh!"

Then I groan at the truth of it all and take a drag off my cigarette.  The smoke swirling up and irritating my eyes.

So, this is only the second time in the 2 1/2 years we've been separated. That's if you don't count that one incidence of oral. Even now, typing this I shake my head. What the hell was I thinking? Oh ya, I already answered that.

Well, this time was different. It sounds like a cliche, I know but really.. This man that I have known for more than ten years kissed me with a hot passion that I have never seen from him before.

"Wow" I thought. Yet still I resisted. He's in a relationship with another woman. When I brought that up, he said "ya, a relationship that's falling apart." After that it didn't take more than two seconds for me to start tearing his clothes off.

The truth is, I see a glimmer of hope in comments like that, even though he has made it clear more than once that we will never get back together. He's also made it clear that he just wants to get laid, and I have told him again and again "I'm nobody's plaything. I deserve better than that. I won't play second best while you take your girlfriend on vacation." and so on.

I left him, and the truth is he's changed in many ways, but the things that drove me into complete dispair during the last two years of our marriage seem to remain the same. He's completely closed off, emotionally and physically.  Unless he wants to get laid, he will avoid all physical contact.

Near the end I felt as though I was being completely ignored. Even after working all day, I'd return home to silence from him. Not even a hello. I'll never forget, when I confronted him about it he replied "what am I supposed to say?"

Really?!! really?! I couldn't believe my ears. I rattled off every "hey, hello, how was ur day" phrase I could scrape out of my brain.

He told me nothing of his life or work, let alone how he was feeling. Ya right! The kicker was that he refused any type of counseling or help to get us back on track. I tried doing it on my own.. counseling, church, books, marriage seminars, but the fact is, there are two people in a marriage- like it or not, you can't do it alone.

So knowing this, why on earth would I sleep with him and grab on to some glimmer of hope that I know full well is only a fantasy?

Well, if I could put my family back together without hurting my children or losing my sanity, I'd do it in a hot minute. Honestly, all I ever wanted was him but he shut me out so fiercly I couldn't stand the searing pain.

Once I had done everything I knew how to do, everything I could think of to save our marriage- I left. Just lost, and having no idea what else I could possibly do with absolutely no participation from him.

He pushed really hard to get me out of his life, so why does he keep coming around? He keeps tabs on me still, after years apart. He seems to know what I'm doing, who I'm dating, what shift I'm working. Why on earth does he try so hard to seduce me, if he doesn't want to be with me? I'm no slouch in bed, but there ain't magic down there! I mean, come on!

This time was different because of that glimmer of hope I grabbed on to. It's not real, I know. If I open my fist, there will be nothing inside. Still that little glimmer pulled me in as an enthusiastic participant.

Before I had simply given in. I let the situation go far enough that I was all hot and bothered, so I said "ah screw it" (no pun intended) and gave in. I later began kicking myself for it, and have continued ever since. After that experience I've just stayed away from any time alone, or physical contact with him... until last night.

Today I fantasized about showing up in my hottest lingerie next time I got the chance. I briefly thought about what it would be like if we actually did get back together, considering his still being incredibly closed off... and quickly put that out of my mind! Whew, don't want to think about that. Just a little peak tells me, it'd be ugly.

Even now my heart flutters with that imaginary little glimmer of hope and I sit here dreading the moment it sets in... reality. It's gonna hurt like hell.